Dom Toretto Gets Family Together for One Last Ride: To Steal the Epstein Files

“We ride at dawn. For family… and for answers,” says Toretto before launching a Dodge Charger into a federal data center.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Both MAGA and Hollywood are nervously clutching their pearls. Dominic Toretto has reportedly assembled his crew for one final, seemingly impossible mission (their specialty): stealing the Epstein files.

The announcement came via a cryptic Instagram video posted at 3 a.m., showing Toretto standing in front of a Dodge Charger with a bald eagle perched on the hood and an American flag waving in slow motion.

“We’ve taken down drug lords, tanks, submarines, gravity, and spaceships,” Toretto growled. “Now we’re taking down the deep state... the real deep state... not the fake one Trump was talking about. You know what I mean.”

Sources close to the situation say the team was recruited with the usual formula: a menacing glare and nod from Dom, with a quiet but firm mention of “family.” Roman, Tej, Letty, Ramsey, Han (resurrected yet again), and even Brian — played via a confusing mix of CGI and Paul Walker's brother's cousin's Uber driver — have all reportedly signed on.

“I don’t even know what’s in the files,” said Roman, loading an RPG into the glovebox of a bright orange Lambo. “But if it pays me to get it, then yeah, I want it. Pockets are currently empty, cuh.”

Tej, the team’s hacker who can now code in 14 languages, including Spanish, and launch satellites with a AAA battery, explained the plan:

“We’re gonna backdoor into the CIA mainframe using a 1997 Compaq Presario and NOS. It’s science they’ll never see coming.”

The mission will allegedly take place during a high-speed chase through Washington D.C., involving black helicopters, corrupt senators giving themselves tax breaks, and a scene where Dom wheelies over the Lincoln Memorial and dies but immediately comes back to life because, well, family.

FBI officials still think we're stupid.

“We’re not saying there is anything to hide,” said one unnamed agent. “But we’re not not saying it. We mean something completely different when we say ‘keep it in the family.’ So yeah, we’re... concerned.”

Political analysts, meanwhile, are unsure whether this is a guerrilla operation, a marketing stunt, or both.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past Universal Studios to drop a Fast X: Redacted trailer after this,” said media expert Tanya Wu. “It’s either satire, prophecy, or both.”

The climax of the operation is rumored to involve Dom driving a Dodge Charger up the side of the Pentagon while a bald eagle screeches the national anthem.

“There’s a USB drive with everything on it,” said Dom. “I’ll know it when I see it. It'll probably be gold and have Trump’s face on it.”

Critics have raised concerns about the legality of such a mission.

“You can’t just steal classified government files,” said legal expert Dan Rodriguez. “Unless... wait, unless you have family.”

No word yet on mission details, but sightings of Toretto doing donuts around a now-defunded FEMA camp suggest phase one has begun.

When asked what’s next, Dom simply whispered,

“Impeachment.”