Dollar Tree Earnings Reveal Car Enthusiasts Buying LA's Totally Awesome Cleaner Responsible for All of Its Profits
Retailer Reports Sharp Increase in Cars With Immaculate Wheels Hardparked Outside Stores
LOS ANGELES—Dollar Tree executives shocked investors after revealing that all of the retailer’s profits now come from car enthusiasts buying hundreds of bottles of LA’s Totally Awesome Cleaner after some people on the internet declared it “better than any wheel cleaner ever. Like in all of history.”
According to the company’s quarterly earnings report, the unexpected surge has transformed what was once an overlooked cleaning product into Dollar Tree’s single most important and transformational revenue stream, accounting for all growth across the business.
“We originally stocked it because people occasionally wanted to clean their kitchens,” said CFO Stewart Glendinning. “Now every Saturday morning our parking lots fill with slammed BMWs, Subarus, and Hondas whose owners walk straight to the cleaning aisle, grab six bottles, spend six bucks, and leave.”
Executives say they first realized something strange was happening after noticing a huge increase in cars with spotless wheels parked outside stores. Every single one of them backed into their spot.
The retailer has reportedly begun adjusting store layouts to accommodate the growing demand, moving LA’s Totally Awesome Cleaner to the front, middle, and back of every store. Several locations have reportedly eliminated every other product category except balloons.
“We’re not a discount retailer anymore,” Glendinning explained. “We’re a respected automotive detailing supplier that also happens to sell balloons.”