DHS and Indiana’s New “Speedway Slammer” to Debut Hugo Boss Racing Suits, Measure Lap Times in Civil Rights Lost
Officials have confirmed they do not know what due process is.
WASHINGTON—As is now tradition, the U.S. Government has provided another bubbly metaphor for authoritarianism. The Department of Homeland Security and the state of Indiana have announced the “Speedway Slammer,” a 1,000-bed ICE detention facility tucked neatly inside the Miami Correctional Center. Just like quaint on property bed & breakfast, just without the bed, or breakfast, or rights, or due process, or respecting the Constitution, or… you get it.
“This is about efficiency,” said DHS Secretary and avid dog killer Kristi Noem, flanked by Governor Mike Braun and a suspiciously tall security guard wearing what appeared to be a vintage Hugo Boss suit. “We’re merging speed with precision. When it comes to removing the worst of the worst, we want to get from decent people with no criminal background, to the deportation podium as fast as possible.”
The Hugo Boss attire, according to officials, is part of a “heritage line” celebrating the history. That's all they said, the history. When asked about the resemblance to certain historical figures, a DHS spokesperson insisted it was “pure coincidence,” before reminding reporters that “it’s all about respecting their fearless leader.”
The partnership, enabled by the so-called One Big Beautiful Bill, comes with the promise of “pit crew-level turnaround times” for detainee processing. State officials boasted that the facility’s intake procedure now features synchronized clipboard checks, mandatory Roman salutes, and head-shaving before lights out. It is worth mentioning there was no indication of checks for any previous offenses of any kind. The priority is moving toward fascism with speed.
Critics argue the “Speedway Slammer” is less about efficiency and more about normalizing a prison-industrial complex wrapped in the spectacle of sport. “It’s fascism in a fire suit,” said one civil rights attorney. “You slap a number on—” We regret to report the critic disappeared without a trace mid-sentence. Phone pings tracked his last location to Alligator Alcatraz, but his whereabouts could not be confirmed.
The branding seems very deliberate. Promotional renderings show a race-ready ICE IndyCar, while a glossy brochure promises “VIP box seating” for visiting authoritarian officials. In one mock-up, a pit vehicle painted in a suspiciously Wehrmacht-adjacent shade of gray is seen pacing a chain-link perimeter.
Governor Braun, however, dismissed any historical parallels. “We’re just here to keep America safe,” he said. “If it happens to look like your rights are being stripped away, change your mind, or you can come visit us here at the marvelous Speedway Slammer.”
Despite the pushback, construction is already underway. Uniform suppliers are reportedly sourcing materials for a “retro” line of detention jumpsuits, complete with vintage typography and period-accurate armbands. It is also reported they are learning German to be able to communicate within the cells freely, keeping incarcerated individuals entirely in the dark.
For DHS, the message is clear: buckle up. “In racing, every second counts,” Noem said. “And here at the Speedway Slammer, we’re going for a personal best in democratic collapse.”
Judging by the lap times they’re aiming for, America’s civil liberties may soon be left eating dust.