Despite Blind Spots Getting Worse, Altima Driver Still Hitting Exact Same Number of Things

“It's as if they were never looking,” says crash analyst.

PHOENIX — A new study from the Useless Technicals Institute has revealed that, despite blind spots growing dramatically over the past 25 years thanks to ballooning vehicle sizes and thicker roof pillars, one group of motorists has remained completely unaffected: Nissan Altima drivers.

“They weren’t looking in 2003, and they’re not looking now.”
— Dr. Karen Holloway, lead researcher

“The data is very consistent,” said Dr. Karen Holloway, lead researcher. “As visibility has gone down, Altima drivers continue to collide with curbs, shopping carts, other cars, parking structures, and occasionally pedestrians at the exact same rate. It’s like the blind spots don’t even matter to them.”

According to the study, modern cars now have blind spots roughly the size of a studio apartment. Backup cameras, blind spot monitors, and parking sensors have all become standard features to help mitigate the issue. But Altima drivers, researchers say, do not engage with any of these tools—primarily because they appear to operate using a different set of principles entirely.

“They weren’t looking in 2003, and they’re not looking now,” said Holloway. “In fact, several test subjects exited the dealership parking lot during our study by jumping a median and cutting off a firetruck. We hadn’t even discussed the study yet.”

Veteran Altima owner Daniel Soto confirmed the findings. “Look, I don’t need mirrors. I drive by faith in G.O.D.,” he said, climbing out of his third Altima in two years. “If I can’t see it, that’s the other's drivers problem. God's got me.”

Insurance providers have taken note, too. One adjuster described Altima claims as “a monthly subscription to chaos.” “You could put a 360-degree camera system on that car,” he said, “and the driver would still make a U-turn across four lanes while texting his baby momma.”

The unchanged collision rate has baffled automakers, who have tried repeatedly to improve safety tech. “We gave them lane departure warnings, but they turned it off because ‘the beeping was annoying,’” said Nissan spokesperson Rachel Inoue. “One guy replaced the blind spot monitor with an extra tweeter.”

Experts now believe Altima drivers may be operating on instinct alone. “They’re not distracted,” Holloway clarified. “They’re just… undomesticated.”

Despite the chaos, Altima sales remain strong. Nissan is rumored to be working on a special “Altima Blackout” edition with no mirrors, no rear window, headlight eyelashes, and brake lights tinted completely black.

“We’re just giving them what they want,” said Inoue. “After all, they were never going to look anyway.”