Cybertruck Responsible for Hantavirus, Scientists Unsure How But Agree “It Feels Right”
Researchers Confirm Truck Has “Strong Plague Energy”
ATLANTA—Public health officials are scrambling after a growing number of Americans took a Facebook post way more seriously than they should have and without bothering to look into any actual evidence began blaming the Tesla Cybertruck for the recent hantavirus outbreak.
Still, researchers admit the theory has gained significant traction among both scientists and the general public due to the truck’s “aura depleting dumpster adjacent design.”
“We want to be perfectly clear here: there is currently no direct evidence linking the Cybertruck to hantavirus,” said CDC epidemiologist Dr. Alan Pierce while wearing a Hazmat suit and looking at a nearby cybertruck with judgemental eyes. “That said... I mean, look at that thing. It’s environmentally hostile. What good can come of something like that?”
According to researchers, the claim first emerged online before rapidly spreading through social media, where users cited the vehicle’s unfinished kindergarten art project appearance, goofy angles, tetanus-inducing rust, and tendency to completely drain the aura of any space it occupies.
“Look, we’re not saying the Cybertruck caused hantavirus, but we’re also not not saying it,” explained scientist Monica Reyes. “If someone told you a Cybertruck was involved in a rodent-related public health event, would you really question it? I’ve heard plenty of Cybertruck owners describe themselves as ‘sick.’ Do we honestly need evidence at this point?”
Several Cybertruck owners have pushed back against the allegations, insisting the truck is unfairly targeted simply because people “Are hella jelly.”
“They wish they could be me,” said owner Trevor Mills while applying a band aid after cutting himself getting a fedora out of his trunk. “Every time something bad happens people blame the Cybertruck. First it was that a Nazi made it. Then it was the recalls. Then the quality was garbage. Then apparently we’re spreading diseases now. If you can’t stand the heat, stay away from my Tesla charger. Oh nice, are you gonna keep that in the article?”
Experts say the phenomenon highlights a growing trend in which the public instinctively knows to shame the Cybertruck and their owners to retain sanity across the broader culture.
“There’s no single thing you can point to,” Reyes clarified. “It’s more cumulative. The design. The behavior. Their clothes. The way that they talk. The way that they walk. The energy. Their existence. Eventually people just know who to blame.”
The Cybertruck