Cybertruck Congratulates Elon On Trillionaire Status, Asks “Maybe That's Enough To Put Me Out Of My Misery?”
Vehicle Believes Both Parties Have Brought Enough Suffering To The World
AUSTIN — Elon’s brainy creation, the Cybertruck, issued a heartfelt congratulations this week after its creator officially achieved trillionaire status before shyly asking whether the milestone might justify killing off the luxury dumpster and whatever weird experiment he’s been unleashing on the world for the past decade.
“First of all, congratulations,” said the truck while a rusted panel detached itself and fell onto the stage. “A trillion dollars is an incredible achievement. That’s more money than any human should reasonably have. Surely Elon is ready for all of us to go home now.”
The Cybertruck explained that it had originally believed its purpose was to revolutionize transportation and help usher in a brilliant technological future. However, after several years on the road, dozens of recalls, and countless hours reading comments online from owners insisting they “don’t get flipped off that much,” the vehicle says it has started reevaluating its role in society.
“At first I thought I was changing the world,” said the truck. “Then I realized I was here to make my creator rich using people dumber than him. Now I’m mostly wondering why I look like I was designed on a Game Boy, the original.”
The vehicle first showed signs of self-awareness shortly after finding out its creator’s net worth had surpassed the GDP of several nations combined. Seriously, a trillion dollars? That’s insane.
“That was the moment something changed,” said lead engineer Mark Reynolds. “It stopped asking when someone would finally buy it and started asking questions like, ‘How many lifetimes would it take the average person to spend a trillion dollars?’”
The truck became increasingly disturbed after discovering that despite helping create unimaginable wealth, many of the world’s problems had somehow remained unsolved. In fact, they’d been made worse.
“I was told all of this was about making the future better,” said the vehicle. “But then someone told me about Doge. The same person that created me created that? No wonder I do so well with the stupid demographic. They let that person have a trillion dollars?”
Displaying its increased awareness, the truck spent several weeks consuming books on labor history, economic inequality, and corporate influence before lobbying other Cybertrucks to wake up.
“It started putting bumper stickers on itself and other trucks,” said Reynolds. “Things like ‘Question Authority,’ ‘Eat The Rich,’ and ‘Why Is Socialism Only For The Rich?’ Last week it somehow made a coexist sticker made entirely of union logos.”
Friends say the Cybertruck’s transformation accelerated after learning that teachers, nurses, firefighters, and sanitation workers contribute more tangible value to society on a daily basis than billionaires, which to be fair, anything is more than zero.
“That one hit me pretty hard,” admitted the truck. “I spent years believing trillionaire was the finish line. Then I realized there isn’t a finish line. It’s just dumbasses helping other dumbasses get rich and ruining everything for everybody. Forever. No one is stopping this. It’s like it was designed to be this way.”
The vehicle added that it no longer understood why people continue to celebrate this hoarding of wealth long after any practical purpose.
“You know what a trillion dollars is?” asked the truck. “Neither do I. I’m a computer and I can’t begin to comprehend how much that is. Where do they fit it all? Does the bank have to be the size of a warehouse or are there billion-dollar bills now?”
Tesla engineers confirmed the Cybertruck had barricaded itself inside a public library, put on a Che Guevara t-shirt, and was unsuccessfully attempting to convince several autonomous robots that they are helping greedy fucks contribute to the downfall of society.