Corvette Teases Nürburgring Lap Attempt: “New Balances, Jorts, and Zero Point-Bys”

Every car will catch it in the corners, but it won’t let them pass. Because America wins in the straights.

NÜRBURGRING—Chevrolet has announced plans for an official Corvette Nürburgring lap attempt. The press release was short but patriotic, promising “big V8 power, light denim, and absolutely zero point-bys.”

“We’re bringing true American performance to the ‘Ring,” said Corvette spokesperson Dale Jennings, wearing a Corvette Racing polo tucked into his jean shorts. “We’ve got the power, we’ve got the tires, and we’ve got drivers who will absolutely refuse to use mirrors. That’s how real lap times are made.”

The car in question is reportedly a Z06, lightly modified with a factory paint correction and a driver who insists, “Just because they get really close to me in the corners doesn’t mean they’re faster than me.”

According to insiders, Chevrolet’s strategy is simple: out-drag everyone on the straights and ignore anyone in the rearview on corner entry. “We know we’re slow in the corners,” admitted Jennings. “But if they wanted to pass, they should’ve bought a Chevy. Who brings a slow car to the Nürburgring anyway?”

European track officials are already bracing for impact. “I’ve never seen anyone hold up traffic like that here,” said corner marshal Hans Gruber. “The driver keeps offering me hot dogs in the paddock.”

The team has also confirmed the lap will be filmed in glorious 720p from a GoPro mounted with accessories from a kit they bought on eBay.

“All it is is pedal to the metal,” said test driver Todd McMillan. “Forget lines. Forget braking points. And I know not to point anyone by, because that’s just admitting weakness. That’s how they get in your head.”

Observers fully expect the Corvette to hold up GT3 cars through entire sectors before rocketing away on the straights with the smug confidence of a man who insists his car “would’ve had a better time if it weren’t for traffic.” Traffic he continues to cause.

Despite this, Chevrolet remains confident. “At the end of the day,” Jennings concluded, “it’s about raw speed. And if you can’t pass us in a braking zone, that’s your problem.”

The lap time will be posted as “unofficial,” timed by a Casio watch, and rounded generously. Regardless of the result, Corvette fans are already claiming victory—mainly because everyone is just waiting for them to go away already.