Cities Begin Testing Traffic Lights That Shoot Lasers at Drivers Who Honk As Soon as Lights Turn Green
Officials say system calibrated to detect even slight movement toward the horn
LOS ANGELES—Transportation officials are calling it “the greatest invention since Wendy’s square patties,” as several major U.S. cities have begun testing a new generation of traffic lights equipped with precision laser systems designed to vaporize drivers who honk the instant a light turns green.
The system, developed in partnership with Dr. Evil and his sharks, uses a combination of motion sensors, cabin monitoring, and cameras installed to remove whatever remaining illusion of privacy you have left to identify what they refer to as “premature horn”, or PORN for short.
“We’re not interested in people who honk after a reasonable amount of time,” said program director Elaine Taylor. “This is about a very specific type of driver. You know the one. We all know that asshole.”
According to Taylor, the system allows for a “plenty generous human reaction window.” Early documentation shows that window to be “long enough for any normal person to wait as long as they’re chill.”
Once a potential honk is detected, the system evaluates a range of indicators, including hand positioning, quantity of rage in eyes, and bumper stickers to assess level of intelligence.
Initial trials have already produced extremely encouraging results, with test intersections reporting a near-total elimination of immediate honking, along with a 100% reduction in douchebags and douchebag associates. Vibes at these intersections are immaculate.
“We had one subject who began reaching for the horn approximately 0.1 second after the light changed,” said lead systems engineer Daniel Cho. “The system responded accordingly, and traffic proceeded normally after that.”
Cho declined to elaborate on what “responded accordingly” meant but stated, “You know what I mean…” and confirmed the system is “highly accurate.”
Not everyone is convinced. Some drivers have raised concerns about who is being punished here.
“I think it’s the person asleep at the wheel who should be lasered,” said local commuter Mark Chapelton. “Now you’re telling me I have to wait for these slow pokes to move without doing anyth—” Mark was somehow lasered mid-interview.
City officials dismissed claims about Mark being lasered, noting that the system is calibrated to detect “douchebags driving, not douchebags giving interviews.”
Transportation departments across the country are already expressing interest in expanding the program, with several citing the potential for broader behavioral correction.
“This isn’t about policing or punishment,” Taylor said. “It’s about encouraging better habits. Giving people the space to exist at a green light without immediately being judged and harassed. Unless you’re a douchebag honker. Then you’re judged and lasered.”
Officials confirmed they are working on a future update that would allow the system to identify drivers who sigh loudly, throw their hands up, or aggressively inch forward before the vehicle ahead has had time to move, though those features would likely require “a more powerful solution.” They also noted there’s nothing you can do, the cameras and lasers will be going up.