Charger Owner Refuses to Sell Because He Only Has 81 Monthly Payments Left

Local man insists he’s “basically debt-free."

PHOENIX—Local Dodge Charger owner Miguel Stevens has proudly declared he will not part ways with his beloved 2021 Scat Pack, citing the fact that there are “only 81 payments left.”

“I’ve already knocked out 39 of them,” Stevens said, leaning on the hood of the car while trying to wipe away curb rash on his wheels. “That’s like… almost halfway. I got a really good deal. I hustled that bank hard.”

Friends say Stevens has repeatedly turned down offers to sell the car, despite its depreciating value and sky-high insurance. “I told him he could get out clean and start fresh,” said longtime friend Javier Ortiz. “But he just laughed and said, ‘Why would I quit when I’m winning?’”

Dealership insiders agree. “We see this all the time,” said finance manager Karen Smith. “Customers take out a 120-month loan, skip a couple payments, refinance, and suddenly they’re in a permanent relationship with a supercar-priced Dodge. At that point, the Charger isn’t just a car, it’s a money fire.”

Stevens insists he is in a strong position. “People always ask me if I regret buying it,” he explained. “But when you spread the payments out long enough, it’s like you’re not even paying. It’s basically free. The way I see it, after seven more years, this thing is mine. Completely, 100 percent mine.”

Neighbors report that the Charger has already had three different sets of tires repossessed, though Stevens denies this. “That’s just weight reduction,” he said confidently. “Less rotating mass equals more speed. Dodge engineering. Perfect for takeovers.”

Stevens remains optimistic about the future. “In 2032, I’ll be cruising payment-free in this beauty while everyone else is stuck in electric pods,” he said. “They’ll see who the real genius is.”

When asked if he had considered how much interest he would ultimately pay, Stevens shrugged. “Interest is for losers. I only look at the monthly.”