CarZam App Promises to Identify Exactly Which G35 Is Backfiring Through Your Neighborhood
Because not every loud bang is a shootout, sometimes it’s just a clapped-out Infiniti.
SYLMAR—Tired of false police calls and neighborhood app threads longer than your mom’s body count, tech startup CarZam has released an app promising to detect and identify every shit-tuned car detonating its way through your cul-de-sac.
“It’s revolutionary,” said CarZam founder Michael Ibarra. “For years, people have asked, ‘Was that fireworks, gunshots, did anyone hear that?’ Now we can answer that with 98% accuracy. Spoiler: it’s Edgar.”
The app works by combining microphone input from your phone with a massive database of abused and poorly maintained Nissans, Infinitis, and BMWs. Once it hears the familiar pop-bang-stall, it sends a push notification: Relax. It’s not a drive-by. Just another idiot with a straight pipe.
Local residents have already begun praising the service. “Every night I thought I was in a war zone,” said suburban mom Karen Mitchell. “I’d post on the neighborhood app: ‘Did anyone else hear gunshots by Maple and 3rd?’ Now CarZam tells me it’s just a clapped-out E46 trying to leave Taco Bell.”
The app doesn’t just identify the car, it provides personalized shit-talking. One user screenshot showed a notification: Backfire detected. Source: 2004 Infiniti G35, owned by Edgar. HP gain from straight pipe: zero. Douchemeter: It’s over 9000.
Not all reactions have been positive. Enthusiast owners argue the app unfairly targets them. “It’s discrimination,” complained local Nissan 350Z driver Kevin James. “I’ve spent thousands making my car sound like it’s about to break, and now people are hating on me with an app. It’s the app’s fault. I bet you they loved it before this marketing push against us.”
CarZam insists it is not anti-car, merely anti-annoyance. “We’re not here to judge,” Ibarra explained. “We’re here to confirm that the Fourth of July is not happening in February outside your window. We’ve even added premium features, like automatically drafting sarcastic replies to neighborhood app posts. When someone writes, ‘Shots fired near Oak Street?’ CarZam will instantly respond, ‘No, Beverly, it’s just James’ nearly dead 350Z.’”
Future updates promise even greater accuracy. Beta testers report the app can already distinguish between a G35 backfire, an E46 misfire, and the sound of an Altima hitting a median. “Our ultimate goal,” Ibarra said, “is to save people from posting stupidity on the neighborhood app and give more attention to these exploding aluminum cans. Ideally, owners will be so embarrassed they’ll uninstall their own mufflers—and maybe even themselves from the neighborhood.”
Until then, residents can sleep easier knowing the only firefight outside is between a BMW 335i and basic maintenance.