Car Enthusiasts Officially Declared Extreme Sport Athletes Due to Forces Experienced by Driver Wallets
Wallets reportedly subjected to repeated high-G maneuvers, some upwards of 10 Gs
INGLEWOOD—The governing body of the Useless Technicals Institute has officially classified car enthusiasts as extreme sport athletes after new research confirmed their wallets are routinely subjected to forces previously thought to be survivable only by Thor’s hammer, not even Thor, just his hammer.
The ruling follows a comprehensive study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, which monitored the automotive journeys of several enthusiasts over a six-month period and found their wallets experienced high-G events with prodigious frequency.
“We recorded repeated loads of 3 to 6 Gs all in a single day,” said lead researcher Dr. Elena Marquez. “But the real concern came during what subjects referred to as ‘while I’m in there’ moments, where forces spiked dramatically, sometimes exceeding 10 Gs.”
According to the study, these high-G events occur all over the country. Enthusiasts begin with a daily and then immediately escalate into an incessant, unrelenting series of exercises that lead to another daily.
Participants showed little awareness of the forces being applied in real time.
“You don’t really feel it,” said Marcos Salcedo, as he browsed a parts website to purchase brake pads but only had a full suspension kit, poly bushings, a cat-back exhaust, the full exhaust system, and headers in his cart. “It kind of sneaks up on you. One second you’re not experiencing any moves anywhere near a G, and then suddenly you’re feeling the impact of like 6 Gs.”
Researchers noted that, unlike traditional athletes, enthusiasts rarely train for these events and instead rely on what they described as “access to credit cards.”
Further analysis revealed that repeated exposure has led to long-term structural fatigue in wallets, with many showing signs of permanent deformation and seam splitting.
“Some never fully recover,” Salcedo said. “We observed cases where a single high-G situation resulted in months of lingering instability so strong even their family felt it.”
Many enthusiasts are entirely accepting of the classification.
“I’m an extreme athlete,” said James Santos, who recently experienced an 11 G loss in a millisecond. “We’re also very advanced. Most experience high G, but I have experienced negative Gs in the hundreds!”