BMW to Replace Carbon Fiber With Natural Fiber Composites Because You Idiots Put It on Everything and We Ran Out

“There’s none left. You used it on license plate frames,” says BMW engineer.

MUNICH—BMW has confirmed it will begin replacing carbon fiber components in its production vehicles with “sustainable natural fiber composites”—because, in their words, “you morons used it all.”

“We wanted to save weight. You wanted carbon fiber cupholders,” said BMW materials engineer Lutz Kruger. “Now we’re out. Not just us. Everyone. There’s a global shortage. Somebody laminated their bathroom tiles in it. We’re finished.”

The automaker’s new natural fiber composites—made from flax, hemp, and the broken dreams of M car owners—will begin rolling out across the lineup in 2026. BMW insists the new materials are just as strong and even more sustainable, though insiders admit it’s mostly because the aftermarket scene hoarded all the real stuff.

“Carbon fiber was supposed to be used strategically,” Kruger explained. “Hood vents. Roof panels. Maybe a mirror cap or two. But instead, you animals started carbon-wrapping your wallets. You made toilet seats out of it. We found a dude on Etsy selling carbon fiber toothpicks.”

BMW says the final straw came after an internal audit revealed over 12% of global carbon fiber production was going toward cosmetic uses—none of which contributed to performance, safety, or even good taste.

“We saw a customer who added 40 pounds of carbon fiber accents to a 3 Series,” Kruger said. “It was like watching someone put racing slicks on a Rascal scooter.”

Despite online backlash from purists, BMW remains committed to the change. “It’s lighter, greener, and—most importantly—unavailable in fake versions from Amazon… yet,” said sustainability officer Clara Weber. “You’ll just have to find another way to make your car look fast while still always being slower than a minivan through a school zone at 3 p.m.”

The company will continue offering limited real carbon fiber parts on high-performance models but warns supplies are “critically low” and may be subject to a clout tax.

Meanwhile, aftermarket manufacturers are reportedly scrambling to adapt, with one supplier already offering “carbon-fiber-look” burlap overlays for side skirts and spoiler lips.

“It’s the same vibe,” said one vendor at a recent tuner expo. “Just... organic.”

As the industry transitions to more sustainable materials, one thing is clear: carbon fiber didn’t run out because of engineers—it ran out because Chad needed a weave pattern on his vape pen.

“We tried to warn you,” Kruger said. “But no, you had to carbon-wrap your Weber grill.”