MUNICH—BMW has officially unveiled its 8th-generation 3 Series to critical reception on social media, with some describing the front as looking like a bald man who just sucked on a lemon and even going as far as describing the rear as a cat that is mid-sneeze. It’s clear that BMW’s controversial styling has made no fans of keyboard warriors, but BMW seems unfazed.
“This generation’s attractiveness was designed to increase directly proportional to the income of our buyers,” said BMW spokesperson Jürgen Kreditwürdig with a look that indicated he’s never used a turn signal. “I can promise you it looks way more attractive once you’re able to afford it. Also, once you buy it, you don’t even need to look at it from the outside.”
We consulted social media data analyst Julio Miranda to explain the phenomenon that BMW is alluding to.
“We analyzed hundreds of profiles and ran them across Flock databases and discovered that users who described the G50 as ‘hideous’ had an average credit score of 412.” It was also observed that they are able to express their disappointment with the G50 at such a high volume, and the reality is that it was facilitated by their primary mode of transport: the bus. Public transportation has allowed them to think of and type things like, “Ok, I’m done with BMW. I’m a free agent now. Can anyone recommend a better brand?”
While you might think that someone riding the bus might be interested in the release of a new mode of personal transport, believe it or not, it is actually much easier to hate on the new G50 from behind the yellow line of a 40-foot people mover. A fact that is obviously not lost on the German automotive manufacturer, who is clearly unbothered in matters of design.
“Look, we make cars for drivers, drivers with money, but drivers, and if you’re a driver, you will see the beauty in our ugly car,” said the now-frustrated Kreditwürdig. “0–60 in 3.9 seconds, 437 horsepower, and Drift Moment, but you’re worried about what it looks like? People with money don’t look at price tags and definitely not exteriors. If you want something closer to what we used to design, go buy one of those from Facebook Marketplace.”
It’s clear BMW learned from their adventure with the G80 M3 and will force-feed their customers a design whether they like it or not, and like a well-oiled machine, the customers will buy it and make BMW a ton of cash, completely justifying their decision and rendering all the comments and memes powerless.
You know what’s not powerless? The new G50.