Billionaire Feels Misunderstood, Says He Gets Into His Pagani Huayra One Leg at a Time Like Everyone Else

Insists Being Wealthy Has Its Challenges, Stating “People Just Stigmatize Me Because I Underpay and Overwork a Few Thousand Employees Here and There.”

MONTEREY—Frustrated with a growing divide between himself and “the regulars,” billionaire Beff Jezos is speaking out against what he calls unfair assumptions that he is a destructive force to humanity due to the extreme wealth he has amassed at the expense of others.

“I’m still human,” said Jezos while carefully stepping into his Pagani Huayra and waiting for an assistant to top off his coffee before closing the door. “People act like I’m a different species. I think they call it ‘monster.’ I’m not familiar. I don’t study biology. Because I own a few things and control governments. I put my pants on one leg at a time. I stand in lines or at least my assistants do. My jet hits traffic when I’m leaving Epst… whatever Island I’m on. Last year I even had to wait nearly four minutes for my helicopter to take me to my jet.”

Jezos also rejected criticism that billionaires don’t understand everyday struggles, pointing to several examples of his own hardship. “People think it’s all yachts and private islands,” he said. “But I deal with the same stuff everyone else does. You know how normal people have to call customer service and sit on hold to get something done? I have to spend weeks finding the right politicians to bribe so I can pass policies that destroy the economy but help me save like 2% on taxes. At the end of the day we’re all just trying to navigate broken systems.”

Jezos continued, “Just last week I went through the exact same thing millions of Americans go through,” he explained. “I was at one of my houses and realized my chef was at a different house. I had to order Uber Eats. I sat there waiting for a random driver I don’t know to deliver my food. How do people live like this?”

Friends close to Jezos say he has made increasing efforts to appear relatable in recent years.

“He’s really trying,” said longtime friend Mike Hawk. “He asked me if paying the regulars a living wage would make them respect him before scrapping the idea in favor of busting a few unions. Last month he said he was going to buy his own milk, waved a $100 bill, and asked if that was enough. He means well. Unless you’re not rich, then he’s an absolute drain on your life, resources, and democracy.”

Sources say Jezos later strengthened his connection with everyday Americans after telling reporters he understood economic hardship because he too had recently “cut back,” reducing his yacht size from 400 to 300 feet. He later bought the 400-foot yacht back and fired 20,000 employees through email.