Authorities Link Chevy Spark Explosions to ‘Mysterious’ Rise in Jet Fuel Sales
Officials urge public to stop doing 135 mph runs in 4th gear using aviation-grade fuel
PINEVILLE—Federal and local authorities have issued a joint advisory after a growing number of Chevy Spark explosions were linked to what officials are calling a “mysterious” rise in jet fuel purchases among tiny car owners.
“We’re seeing a clear pattern,” said NHTSA spokesperson Daniel Ruiz, gesturing toward a chart labeled Things That Should Not Be in a Chevy Spark. “Jet fuel sales went up, and shortly after, a bunch of Chevy Sparks go 135 with a high performance filter and synthetic oil to boot? This is something it was never designed to do. It should be impossible. I don’t understand why they’re doing it.”
According to a preliminary report from the Useless Technicals Institute, affected vehicles appear to have been pushed to “a theoretical and completely unverified speed of 135 miles per hour right before redlining 4th gear,” a claim researchers described as “quit wasting my time with this.”
“We initially thought this was a one-off incident,” said lead researcher Dr. Elena Vargas. “But after the fifth or sixth explosion, all involving the Spark, the same fuel, and the same level of intelligence, we had to consider the possibility that this is a trend.”
Owners involved in the incidents have defended their actions, insisting they were following a proven method.
“I did everything that the guy said on Instagram,” said local driver Marvin Scott, whose 2015 Spark experienced a brief but large transformation into a fireball. “I filled it up with premium first, then added the jet fuel. Only half! You can’t just go straight jet fuel, that’s where people mess up.”
Fire departments across multiple states report a surge in calls involving the double-digit-horsepower hatchbacks exhibiting “explosions far exceeding the size of the diminutive subcompact.”
“We saw one merge onto the freeway like normal,” said Battalion Chief Aaron Delgado. “Then out of nowhere, it’s screaming past traffic like an egg shaped cheetah. Then it lit up the night sky. I can’t confirm how fast it was going, but it seemed like 135.”
General Motors released a brief statement urging customers to use only shitty 87 octane fuel and reminding drivers that the Chevy Spark “was never intended to ‘scoot.’”
Officials say the investigation is ongoing as to what started this trend but they are confident they have identified the core issue.
“At this point, we’re comfortable saying the explosions are not random,” Ruiz confirmed. “They are the direct result of people spending money on Jet Fuel. JET FUEL. In this economy? Can you believe it? Where did they get this idea?”
Authorities are asking anyone considering scootin’ their Sparks to reconsider, emphasizing that no one knows what happens to a Chevy Spark when it actually hits redline in 4th gear on jet fuel.