Audi Patents Tech That Assures Owners They Are Absolutely NOT in Volkswagens
Feature activates every time badge insecurity reaches critical levels
INGOLSTADT—Audi has announced a necessary new feature designed to soothe its fragile customers: technology that constantly reassures drivers they are absolutely not in a Volkswagen. The system, dubbed Premium Identity Confirmation (PIC), delivers subtle but persistent reminders that an A4 is nothing like a Passat, even if the same guy in Puebla built both.
“Our research shows Audi drivers suffer intense badge insecurity at the hands of anyone with eyes,” said marketing executive Anke Weiss. “They want leather, LEDs, and a grille big enough to smother an adolecent elephant, but deep down, they fear that their neighbor knows it’s just a Volkswagen cosplay. This technology is meant counter act that doubt.”
According to patent filings, the system engages whenever the driver’s ego dips below “performance confidence.” Features include dashboard pop-ups reading “This is luxury. The best luxury. More-luxurious-than-a-Volkswagen luxury.” and Snookie’s soothing voice in the infotainment system whispering, “You’re better than a Golf.”
Beta testers describe the system as life-changing. “I used to wake up at night drenched in sweat, wondering if my neighbors know my Q5 is just a Tiguan with expensive headlights,” confessed owner Marcus Johnson. “Now, every time I turn the key, a robotic voice tells me, ‘You are of higher class.’ It’s beautiful.”
The technology also detects moments of crisis, such as when an Audi driver notices identical switches and knobs in a friend’s Jetta. “That’s when PIC kicks in,” Weiss explained. “The system mutes the radio and repeats, ‘Volkswagen can’t hurt you here.’ By the third repetition, the driver is calm enough to resume being mid.”
Volkswagen, for its part, appears unbothered. “Honestly, we build both,” shrugged VW spokesperson Dieter Klein. “If people want to pay double for a badge and slightly different cupholders, who are we to say no.”
But it is not without it’s faults. Leaked testing notes reveal glitches where the system briefly displayed “Volkswagen detected.” One pilot customer allegedly abandoned his Audi at a gas station and Ubered home. Another demanded therapy reimbursement under warranty.
Despite concerns, Audi insists the tech represents the future of “premium differentiation and cost justification.” Plans are already underway to expand the system: upcoming updates may release a list of comebacks for you to shut down critics and a sound proof mode to muffle crying inside the cabin.
The automotive world is currently debating how necessary these features are, but Audi drivers are already lining up. “Does it handle like a Porsche? No,” said new A3 owner James Thompson. “But, does your car tell you it’s special every morning? Only special cars do that.”
For now, Audi’s latest innovation ensures that you’ll never have to admit you’re in a Volkswagen.