Audi Mechanic Finally Identifies Mysterious Problem as the Owner

Turns out it wasn’t the car all along.

SCOTTSDALE—After months of head-scratching, part-swapping, and eighteen diagnostic scanners, local Audi mechanic Derek Mendez has finally pinpointed the root cause of a customer’s endless vehicle issues: the owner.

“I’ve never seen an A4 this abused without being in a demolition derby,” Mendez said, shaking his head while standing over the open hood. “The guy thinks ‘regular maintenance’ means taking a photo for Instagram every six months. I could replace the entire engine and it would still run like a wet fart because, well, he’s still gonna be the one driving it.”

The owner in question, 34-year-old marketing consultant and self-proclaimed “car guy” Bryce Hammond, brought the car in complaining about “a weird noise, a shudder in the steering, and, like, a bad vibe.” After thousands in diagnostics and repairs, Mendez realized the problem wasn’t mechanical—it was human.

“The first problem is it’s an automatic. This man shifts from Drive to Reverse while still rolling forward. He thinks quattro means he can do neutral drops without consequence,” Mendez explained. “At some point, you stop fixing the car and start questioning how this guy’s survived this long without chewing through his own seatbelt.”

Bryce, however, sees things differently. “I’m a performance driver,” he said, sipping an $8 matcha tea in the waiting area. “I push the car to its limits. If something breaks, that’s just proof I’m driving it right. And yeah, I miss oil changes sometimes, but I read on TikTok that synthetic lasts forever.”

Friends confirm this is a pattern. “He’s totaled three Audis in the last ten years, and none of them have even been in a crash,” said longtime acquaintance Kelly Tran. “In every case, he blamed the car.”

Mendez has now placed Bryce on what he calls the “do not fix” list. “I can’t in good conscience keep working on a car when the driver is a bigger hazard than a cracked timing chain,” he said. “He needs less horsepower and more adult supervision.”

As Bryce drove away from the shop—with the engine light glowing and suspension creaking—onlookers reported hearing the faint sound of his Audi crying.

“It wasn’t the car all along,” Mendez said, watching him disappear into traffic. “It’s him. It’s always been him.”