Astronomer CEO Caught Cheating Issues Apology from Shaggin’ Wagon

The company that builds data pipelines is now dealing with the biggest HR leak.

BOSTON — The CEO of data tech firm Astronomer, Andy Byron, has issued a formal apology after being caught on camera at a Coldplay concert in what HR experts are calling “a violation of page one of the HR training assigned by the Chief People Officer.”

The devastating footage captured Byron and Astronomer’s Chief People Officer in an awkward embrace before both ducked out of frame, apparently thinking the camera wouldn’t see them if they couldn’t see it.

“This moment doesn’t reflect who I am. Normally I would’ve booked a conference room.”
— Andy Byron, seated on 1970s shag carpet

The apology? Not from a press podium. Not from an office. But from the back of his Sprinter van, which internet sleuths say Byron had proudly christened the “shaggin’ wagon” after spotting LED mood lighting, multiple throw pillows, and what looked like a Bluetooth speaker blasting Super Freak by Rick James.

“I take full responsibility for the distraction this has caused, even though this was Coldplay's fault.”

The now-viral incident took place at Gillette Stadium, where Coldplay was performing and thousands witnessed the moment unfold in real time. Even frontman Chris Martin paused to say:

“Either they’re having an affair, or they’re very shy.”
(Spoiler: both were true.)

Witnesses say the couple’s reaction was less “deer in headlights” and more “deer hit by a train.”

“The only way they could’ve made it more obvious is if they were caught in that shaggin’ wagon,”
— One concert attendee

Back at Astronomer, employees were left stunned.

“This company specializes in data pipelines, but apparently the only thing getting piped lately was leadership.”
— Anonymous staffer

Critics of Byron’s apology video were quick to ask why anyone would issue a public statement from what looked like a creeper van.

“He’s from a different time,” said PR consultant Jenna Li.
“Look at the lava lamp. You can’t blame him, things were different back then.”

Byron’s wife has since removed his last name from her social media and reportedly archived every post that included the phrase “power couple.” Meanwhile, Cabot has yet to comment publicly but is allegedly “working remotely” until further notice. Location undisclosed. Definitely not at the Chief People Officer’s house.

While the Astronomer board has yet to announce consequences, insiders say Slack channels have been going crazy, with one briefly renamed:

#astronomer-more-like-astroboner
(...before being swiftly deleted.)

Reactions across the tech world have ranged from disbelief to popcorn-munching delight.

“I used to work there,” said one former employee.
“This checks out.”

For now, Byron remains CEO. His apology remains livestreamed from a bang bus. And Astronomer remains a company best known not for what it builds, but for its catastrophically horny C-suite.