Analysts Find Stellantis, Which Sells 670HP Sedans with Exploding Airbags, Is Somehow Struggling Financially

“We can’t figure it out,” says one Stellantis rep while replacing his 757th airbag.

AUBURN HILLS — Analysts are stunned to discover the obvious: Stellantis, a company best known for Dodge Chargers, surprise recalls, and the opposite of quality control, is experiencing significant financial losses.

The confusion is widespread. “They sell 670-horsepower sedans with airbag erosion to people. Trucks with defective brake and transmission systems to more people. Their marketing team works overtime to build the least reliable car image possible. So how are they losing money?” asked Stellantis strategist Brent Finley, before being struck in the face by a spontaneously deploying Chrysler 300 airbag.

According to Stellantis, the financial dip has nothing to do with the mild inconvenience of recalling over a million vehicles for things like random rollaways, melting battery packs, and seats that turn into projectiles.

“These are isolated incidents,” said spokesperson Carla D’Amico, holding a clipboard that looked like it was falling apart. When asked about the clipboard, she confirmed it was made in-house. “We remain committed to quality, safety, and whatever else our legal department tells us to say.”

Meanwhile, Dodge continues to build Hellcats with the precision of a sledgehammer and the subtlety of a Fourth of July mortar smuggled from Nevada. “We’ve perfected the art of selling without quality,” said Dodge marketing VP Trey Coulson. “Every car is a mystery. Sure, sometimes the mystery ends with smoke coming from the dash, but that’s just part of the thrill.”

Customers seem divided. “My Charger R/T has like, a lot of horsepower. A lot. And Bluetooth,” said longtime owner Marcus Smith. “None of the buttons work anymore, and it sometimes just shuts off and rattles. Like while idling. At a Wendy’s drive-thru. But look, it’s fast. What else do you want?”

Industry insiders suggest the brand’s problems might stem from a business model that prioritizes... (our writers couldn’t figure out what they prioritize. There has to be something, right?). “It’s like if Waffle House ran an automaker,” said one analyst. “Insane energy, barely functional, and it’ll punch you in the face when you least expect it—but it tastes really good.”

Still, Stellantis executives remain confident. “We’re not worried,” said CFO Luc Moreau. “Customers want performance. And statistically, our cars only explode a little.”

As quarterly losses mount and investors ask tougher questions, Stellantis appears to be doubling down on what it does best: making the loudest, fastest, occasionally flammable vehicles on the market. After all, why improve quality when you can just slap another badge on the hood and call it a Ghoul Banshee or something?