Amazon, Concerned Public Image Is Improving, Launches Hertz Used Rental Car Sales
Because what better thing to sell than beat-on used cars from the AI-scanning company.
SEATTLE—In case you’ve forgotten that it’s still one of the world’s most villainous corporations, Amazon, led by villainaire Jeff Bezos, announced it will begin selling used Hertz rental cars through its platform. Executives say the partnership will “expand consumer choice,” though critics note it mostly expands the chances of ending up stranded after a thousand-dollar purchase.
“Our public perception was getting dangerously positive,” admitted Amazon cue ball Jeff Bezos. “We had to pivot back. Selling ex-rental V6 Chargers with cigarette burns and inexplicable odors was the right move.”
According to Hertz, the cars come with “full transparency” on their history, which in this case means a laminated card reading “Definitely not a takeover car. Trust.” Buyers can also expect unique amenities such as glove compartments, seats, and a pleasant unidentifiable rattle.
Early customers are already skeptical. “The listing said ‘like new,’ but my Malibu came with 187,000 miles and a DUI court summons,” said Orlando resident Miguel Herrera. “It didn’t arrive in two days. At least shipping was free.”
Consumer advocates warn the move could be Amazon’s most dystopian venture yet. “When you buy a used rental car, you’re not just buying a vehicle. You’re buying the blood, sweat, and tears of every corporate shill, bachelor party, spring break, and gig worker in the United States,” said watchdog analyst Linda Meyers.
Hertz, for its part, insists the partnership makes sense. “Nobody can lose public trust quite like us and Amazon together,” said Hertz rep David Klein. “It’s a perfect marriage of two companies people already hate. Especially after the AI stuff.”
Industry insiders expect the partnership to flourish. For now, the only question is how fast customers will add these cars to their carts, and how much Febreze it will take to make them drivable.