Altima Meet Declared Biohazard Site By Health Department

Officials Confirm Area Contains Elevated Levels Of Erratic Driving, Flying Body Panels, And Unknown Fluids

HUNTINGTON BEACH — Local health officials have declared a Nissan Altima meet an active biohazard site after investigators detected unusually high concentrations of airborne bumper fragments, unidentified fluids (lab results are still pending on whether they’re automotive in origin), and driving behavior typically associated with a .50 blood alcohol content.

“We’ve identified motor oil, coolant, transmission fluid, and at least four liquids we’re currently classifying as ‘Altima-adjacent,’” said health inspector Derek Lawson. “Unfortunately, several samples appear to contain traces of all mystery four fluids.”

Investigators were initially dispatched after nearby residents reported loud yelling, a couple of strange smells, and what appeared to be several vehicles attempting to cut each other off in a single parking lot lane.

“What we found was unlike anything we’ve seen before,” said Lawson. “At first we believed we were responding to a hazardous chemical spill. Then we realized substances we’ve never seen before were actively leaking from a different Altima or at least we think it was the cars.”