Altima Meet Declared Biohazard Site By Health Department
Officials Confirm Area Contains Elevated Levels Of Erratic Driving, Flying Body Panels, And Unknown Fluids
HUNTINGTON BEACH — Local health officials have declared a Nissan Altima meet an active biohazard site after investigators detected unusually high concentrations of airborne bumper fragments, unidentified fluids (lab results are still pending on whether they’re automotive in origin), and driving behavior typically associated with a .50 blood alcohol content.
“We’ve identified motor oil, coolant, transmission fluid, and at least four liquids we’re currently classifying as ‘Altima-adjacent,’” said health inspector Derek Lawson. “Unfortunately, several samples appear to contain traces of all mystery four fluids.”
Investigators were initially dispatched after nearby residents reported loud yelling, a couple of strange smells, and what appeared to be several vehicles attempting to cut each other off in a single parking lot lane.
“What we found was unlike anything we’ve seen before,” said Lawson. “At first we believed we were responding to a hazardous chemical spill. Then we realized substances we’ve never seen before were actively leaking from a different Altima or at least we think it was the cars.”
Health officials say conditions deteriorated rapidly as the meet continued throughout the evening. Air quality monitors reportedly detected elevated levels of energy drinks, burnt oil, hot cheeto powder, and crack pipes.
“We’ve established that approximately seventy percent of the atmosphere above the gathering was composed entirely of Monster Energy, the white one specifically, and other bad decisions,” said Lawson.
Researchers also noted unusually aggressive behavior among the vehicles themselves, before being reminded by the only car enthusiast researcher that this is normal for them.
“We witnessed one driver cut off a child on a scooter and then yell at an empty parking space,” said a visibly shaken investigator. “We are still attempting to decipher what was said, they just sounded like mad screams. Like someone being chased by a dog.”
The department’s report further noted that nearly every vehicle present appeared to be composed entirely of replacement parts from different colored Altimas.
“We documented a silver Altima with a black hood, white fender, red door, and blue bumper,” said Lawson. “Genetically speaking, it was five separate Altimas.”
Officials became particularly concerned after discovering hundreds of temporary paper license plates dating back several years.
“One of the tags expired during the Obama administration,” said Lawson. “I think it would be dumb of me to think any of these cars should be on the road, or any of these people.”
As a precaution, the CDC has advised residents to avoid prolonged exposure to Altimas and immediately seek shelter if they observe a Nissan approaching with visible bumper damage.