9 Out of 10 Dentists Agree Raceland Coilovers Are the Leading Cause of Chipped Teeth
The 10th Dentist’s Patients Are Still on Cut Springs
RIVERSIDE—A new and largely unnecessary study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute has confirmed what internet forum posts have suspected for years: Raceland coilovers are now the leading cause of chipped teeth in the contiguous United States.
The study, which tracked over 12,000,000 poorly modified vehicles across highways, alleys, and industrial areas with potholes, found that prolonged exposure to budget suspension systems dramatically increases the likelihood of dental trauma and spinal compression.
“We originally thought the damage was being caused by candy or soda,” said lead researcher Daniel Navarro while standing next to a slammed E36 with zero suspension travel. “But after some investigation, we realized most injuries were occurring on trips to the grocery store under completely normal driving conditions. Things like railroad crossings, painted lines, or a pebble that a skateboard wheel could clear.”
According to researchers, many affected drivers insist the ride quality is “actually not that bad,” despite visibly bouncing through intersections like shopping carts that were pushed down a staircase.
“It’s honestly fine once you get used to it,” said local driver Marvin Smith moments before his day-old Monster energy drink launched directly into the headliner. “People just don’t know what a race car is.”
Friends riding in Smith’s car described the experience differently.
“My ass is bruised,” said passenger Tyler Patrick after the vehicle drove over what investigators later confirmed was “a recently painted lane stripe.”
Dentists across the country are reportedly seeing a dramatic rise in injuries, particularly among passengers in shitbox BMWs, Infinitis, and Civics featuring a GT wing and no other aero.
“We’re seeing microfractures usually associated with combat sports,” said dentist Lauren Vega. “One patient came in after a Cars & Coffee event and his molars looked like he’d been catching 100mph rocks with his teeth.”
The report also noted that the problem appears most severe among owners who purchased their coilovers using phrases like “bro they’re basically BCs” or “they all come from the same factory.”
Despite the findings, Raceland owners remain defiant.
“People love to hate,” said Smith while slowly approaching his driveway at a 145-degree angle.. “At the end of the day, my car’s low, it handles great, and my back only hurts some of the time.”
Researchers warn the issue may continue worsening as younger enthusiasts discover maxpeeding rods, ebay wheels, and stretched tires.