5 Dead Giveaways You’re a Car Enthusiast
Because self-diagnosis is part of the hobby.
PHOENIX—If you’ve ever spent more on tools than groceries or considered “jack stands” a valid lifestyle choice, congratulations: you’re a car enthusiast. While the rest of the world drives for convenience, you drive for reasons completely unknown and the unexplainable satisfaction of spending way too much on car parts.
Experts at the Useless Technicals Institute (UTI) have now identified the five clearest signs of this condition, a condition that researchers call Toxic Automotive Relationship Disorder, or TARD. Symptoms are widespread, incurable, and frequently begin with a terrible Facebook Marketplace purchase.
You chose to read this article from the headline. You didn’t even hesitate. You saw “car enthusiast” and thought, finally, something that understands me. You probably clicked this while waiting for parts to ship or while eight hours into a two-hour job with nine car forum tabs open on your browser.
You have unopened boxes with car parts you haven’t installed in months. They’re not parts anymore, they’re décor. You justify it by saying you’re “just one weekend away” from installing them, even though that same weekend has been rescheduled every month since last summer. “They represent hope,” said local enthusiast Marcos Santos. “And by hope, I mean I hope to get to it next weekend.”
Your search history is 90% of a full automotive encyclopedia. Torque specs, compression ratios, wheel offsets, obscure DIY forum posts, you’ve read them all. “I swear, I’ve done enough research to build a car from scratch,” said forum moderator Anthony Diaz. “I’m just waiting on a few more parts and I’m set.”
You bought tools you only used once. Every car enthusiast has this specific tool, like the $180 puller that was never quite the same after the first pull. It now lives in a drawer, waiting for its second shining moment that will never come. “It’s an emotional support puller,” Diaz added.
You’ve driven to a parking lot to stand around with other people who drove to stand around in a parking lot. You call it a “meet.” Normal people call it “loitering.” Yet somehow, you feel more at home there than anywhere else. “We don’t even need to do anything,” said Santos. “We just vibe, compare oil leaks, and pretend that one dude with the mustache isn’t an undercover cop.”
At the end of the day, being a car enthusiast isn’t about speed, power, or even driving, it’s about knowing that one more mod will finally make you happy. OK, it won’t. But you’ll keep doing it anyway, because you can’t quit. You were never in it for the destination. You were in it for the glory. Glory you will be chasing for the rest of your life.