SAN DIEGO—A local private seller is reportedly facing mounting financial and mostly emotional consequences after forgetting to include “as-is” in his car listing, effectively removing what experts describe as “his only legal defense.”

According to court documents, 34-year-old Louis Jacobs listed his JB4-tuned 2008 BMW 335i as being in “great shape overall,” noting only a few minor issues that he assured potential buyers were “not a big deal” and “super easy fixes if you know what you’re doing.”

Those issues reportedly included intermittent electrical failures, an oil leak described as “barely noticeable,” a cooling system that needs everything replaced, and misfiring fuel injectors that require a second full-time job to replace.

Legal analysts say Jacobs’ failure to include “as-is” in the listing has now forced him to stand behind every one of those claims, a development many in the Facebook Marketplace community are calling “devastating.”

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INGLEWOOD—The governing body of the Useless Technicals Institute has officially classified car enthusiasts as extreme sport athletes after new research confirmed their wallets are routinely subjected to forces previously thought to be survivable only by Thor’s hammer, not even Thor, just his hammer.

The ruling follows a comprehensive study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, which monitored the automotive journeys of several enthusiasts over a six-month period and found their wallets experienced high-G events with prodigious frequency.

“We recorded repeated loads of 3 to 6 Gs all in a single day,” said lead researcher Dr. Elena Marquez. “But the real concern came during what subjects referred to as ‘while I’m in there’ moments, where forces spiked dramatically, sometimes exceeding 10 Gs.”

According to the study, these high-G events occur all over the country. Enthusiasts begin with a daily and then immediately escalate into an incessant, unrelenting series of exercises that lead to another daily.

Participants showed little awareness of the forces being applied in real time.

“You don’t really feel it,” said Marcos Salcedo, as he browsed a parts website to purchase brake pads but only had a full suspension kit, poly bushings, a cat-back exhaust, the full exhaust system, and headers in his cart. “It kind of sneaks up on you. One second you’re not experiencing any moves anywhere near a G, and then suddenly you’re feeling the impact of like 6 Gs.”

Researchers noted that, unlike traditional athletes, enthusiasts rarely train for these events and instead rely on what they described as “access to credit cards.”

Further analysis revealed that repeated exposure has led to long-term structural fatigue in wallets, with many showing signs of permanent deformation and seam splitting.

“Some never fully recover,” Salcedo said. “We observed cases where a single high-G situation resulted in months of lingering instability so strong even their family felt it.”

Many enthusiasts are entirely accepting of the classification.

“I’m an extreme athlete,” said James Santos, who recently experienced an 11 G loss in a millisecond. “We’re also very advanced. Most experience high G, but I have experienced negative Gs in the hundreds!”

TEMECULA—After nearly a decade and thousands in modifications, routine detailing, and unwavering commitment to looking prepared for any terrain, local Jeep owner Brandon Roberts finally engaged his vehicle’s 4WD system this week to safely clear what witnesses described as a “totally aggressive” speed bump outside his neighborhood grocery store.

According to sources, Roberts approached the obstacle slowly before coming to a complete stop, assessing the line with the focus of someone competing in King of the Hammers.

“He didn’t just send it,” said bystander Mark Dutch, who watched from the cart return. “He rolled up, stopped, reversed a little, then rolled forward again at an angle. I stepped in to spot him, but really he had it down the whole time.”

Witnesses reported that Roberts lowered his windows, turned off the music, and placed both hands firmly on the wheel before engaging 4WD High, a feature that had remained untouched since the vehicle left the dealership eight years ago.

“He muttered something like ‘let me line this up’ and just sat there for a second,” Dutch added. “At one point he leaned out the window to check his clearance. He’s a total pro.”

The Jeep, outfitted with oversized all-terrain tires, a roof-mounted light bar, steel bumpers, recovery boards, a bunch of tanks of gas, a ladder, a tent for some reason, and a winch that has been detailed more than used, appeared more than up to the task of handling this monster, though witnesses say the driver paused halfway through the maneuver to make minor steering corrections.

“This is exactly what the build was for,” Roberts said, standing beside the vehicle with way more pride than it warrants. “You spend years putting this thing together, and you just wait for the right opportunity. Today felt right.”

According to Roberts, the decision to engage 4WD was not taken lightly.

“I’ve thought about it before,” he admitted. “But you don’t just throw it into four-wheel drive for no reason. Conditions have to be there. You’ve got to read the terrain. You have to know what you’re doing.”

Experts say the maneuver, while technically completely unnecessary, represents a growing trend among Jeep owners seeking to validate increasingly elaborate builds that never see anything beyond pavement.

AUSTIN—Local residents and confused passersby have reported repeated sightings of Matthew McConaughey sitting alone in various parked Lincolns across the city, calmly delivering monologues about liking Lincolns to no one. Well, sometimes he’ll talk to the animals.

According to witnesses, McConaughey appears fully immersed, often staring out the windshield or into the middle distance as he speaks in a slow, reflective tone about time, purpose, and why I should buy a Lincoln.

“I walked by and he was just sitting there, engine off, saying something about how ‘the road doesn’t care where you’ve been, only where you’re willing to go,’” said local resident Daniel Reyes. “There was no camera crew, no lights, just him and a Big Mac in his passenger seat.”

Industry insiders say the behavior began shortly after McConaughey’s series of commercials for Lincoln Motor Company and has shown no signs of slowing down.

“At first, we thought he was preparing for a role,” said one former production assistant. “But then the shoot ended. And he just… kept talking.”

Sources close to the actor claim McConaughey genuinely believes that you never know when someone is going to start filming.

Attempts to engage with the actor have reportedly been unsuccessful. Several individuals who approached his vehicle said McConaughey briefly stared at them there before turning away and bad-mouthing them in his ongoing monologue.

“The one time he talked he looked right at me and said, ‘You ever notice how we’re all just passengers in someone else’s story?’” said college student Jose Ortiz. “I just asked him if he was ok.”

Acting experts suggest the situation is a result of unnecessarily long method immersion.

“There’s a point where the character doesn’t leave,” said Dr. Elena Marquez, a performing arts specialist. “In this case, the Matthew appears to be really passionate about Lincolns. Or maybe he’s lost in the void.”

Representatives for McConaughey have declined to comment, though one source indicated the actor was seen adjusting his seat slightly, looking into the rearview mirror, quietly stating, “Destinations don’t exist. Only journeys,” while rubbing his fingers together like he caught a booger.

MIAMI—As Formula 1 enters what feels like its 57th week of spring break, fans across the globe are reportedly reaching unprecedented levels of desperation for content, with many claiming they have “nothing to watch” despite Drive to Survive sitting untouched in their recommended list.

Local fan Mark Sarmiento was seen pacing his living room Tuesday evening, refreshing YouTube, Reddit, and the F1 app in rapid succession before audibly sighing and asking, “So there’s seriously nothing until May?”

Moments later, Sarmiento opened Netflix, hovered over Drive to Survive for approximately the duration of a Red Bull pit stop, and continued scrolling.

“I think I’ve seen everything there is to see,” he said, scrolling past all seasons of the show with unquestionable confidence. “There’s just nothing else to watch right now. Literally nothing.”

Sarmiento confirmed he has recently rewatched onboard laps from the 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, and 2025 seasons, all YouTube videos about those seasons’ races, a Lando Norris Monster Energy commercial, read Adrian Newey’s book twice, and reached the end of F1 Instagram—none of which he considers “enough.”

“I just want something new or exciting,” Sarmiento added, immediately clicking on a video with a thumbnail featuring glowing arrows, red circles, and the words F1 DRIVER VERSUS 100 CHEETAHS in all caps.

The desperation has reportedly reached new heights, with some fans turning to extreme measures such as watching NASCAR, reading FIA regulations, and, in one confirmed case, rewatching races from Lance Stroll’s perspective “just to lower my expectations.”

Meanwhile, Netflix executives remain baffled by the sharp decline in Drive to Survive viewership, insisting the show has never been better.

“I don’t get it,” said one executive, gesturing toward a monitor displaying a slow-motion shot of a pit crew member removing his sunglasses. “Tension, drama, manufactured narratives that make a record pit stop feel like a Mazepin race. Remember that guy? We even conveniently edit radio messages and interviews. What more do they want?”

According to internal reports, Netflix has doubled down on its strategy for the upcoming season, promising “even more creative liberties in storytelling,” including rehearsed reaction shots, selective interview editing, and at least one episode where a midfield battle is treated like a championship fight.

At press time, Sarmiento had reportedly opened Netflix again, hovered over Drive to Survive for slightly longer this time, and quietly said, “Nah,” before returning to a 14-minute video explaining why DRS zones are better than “garbage batteries.”

ROME—In what officials have described as a “methodical cash grab,” Italian tax authorities have finally caught up to Formula 1 drivers, proving that while they may be the fastest athletes on earth, they remain no match for the slow wheels of bureaucracy.

The investigation, which reportedly took several years to organize, review, pause, revisit, and briefly forget about entirely until money was needed again, centers around income earned by drivers during races held in Italy, income authorities now believe should have been in their pockets, not the drivers’.

“We’re not in a rush,” said one Italian official, slowly flipping through a folder labeled F1 Stuff while taking a smug sip of espresso. “Eh, these drivers, they are very fast, yes. But the taxes, eh? The taxes, they follow you forever. You no escape the taxes.”

Drivers, many of whom are rich beyond belief, are said to be “feeling the impact” of the crackdown. Sources confirm the effects have left high-performance athletes exhausted from pacing back and forth across their mansions.

“It’s tough,” said one anonymous driver, speaking from a helicopter parked on the helipad of his yacht. “I had to talk money with my accountant. I didn’t even know I had one.”

Another driver, who also asked to remain anonymous, described the situation as “a real challenge,” noting that he was forced to delay booking another trip to Japan to do donuts in a supercar “just to avoid seeing the ninetyoneoctane article pop up on my assistant’s phone.”

According to internal reports, the Italian government became aware of the potential tax discrepancies shortly after realizing that Formula 1 races held within its borders involved drivers who were, in fact, making money.

“At first, we think maybe they just drive for fun, you know? Very fast, very loud, very nice,” the official admitted. “But then somebody, he says, ‘Wait a minute, they get paid for this?’ And I say, ‘Eh, then we gotta get paid too. This is Italy, come on.’”

In response to the investigation, several drivers have reportedly taken proactive steps, including briefly asking ChatGPT about “Italian tax law,” telling their finance teams to “handle it,” and continuing to live exactly as they did before, now with the added inconvenience of occasionally hearing the word “taxes.”

SAN DIEGO—A local private seller is reportedly facing mounting financial and mostly emotional consequences after forgetting to include “as-is” in his car listing, effectively removing what experts describe as “his only legal defense.”

According to court documents, 34-year-old Louis Jacobs listed his JB4-tuned 2008 BMW 335i as being in “great shape overall,” noting only a few minor issues that he assured potential buyers were “not a big deal” and “super easy fixes if you know what you’re doing.”

Those issues reportedly included intermittent electrical failures, an oil leak described as “barely noticeable,” a cooling system that needs everything replaced, and misfiring fuel injectors that require a second full-time job to replace.

Legal analysts say Jacobs’ failure to include “as-is” in the listing has now forced him to stand behind every one of those claims, a development many in the Facebook Marketplace community are calling “devastating.”

“This is exactly why we teach people to include ‘as-is’ no matter what,” said consumer law expert Saul Goodman. “Not because it does anything, but because sellers believe it does. Without it, they’re left exposed to the horrifying possibility of being held accountable for what they said.”

The buyer, identified only as Kevin Morales, said he became suspicious shortly after purchasing the vehicle, when it had mismatched fenders and didn’t start.

“I figured something was off when the ‘easy fixes’ list was longer than the actual listing,” Morales said. “But I trusted him. He threw in the JB4 for free. He seemed confident. That was my first mistake.”

Under the court’s ruling, Jacobs is now responsible for addressing each issue he previously dismissed, including rewiring large portions of the vehicle, repairing the cooling system, resolving the oil leak, replacing the injectors, removing the vape smoke smell, and determining why the car still doesn’t run after receiving a brand new battery.

Sources close to Jacobs say he remains in disbelief that anyone would use his own words against him.

“I was just saying things,” Jacobs said. “Everyone says stuff. It’s part of the process. You’re not supposed to mean it.”

Experts warn the case has far-reaching implications for private sellers nationwide, many of whom rely heavily on phrases like “as-is,” “easy fix,” and “just needs” to complete transactions, especially on Facebook Marketplace. Actually, probably only on Facebook Marketplace.

HERMOSA BEACH—A professional race car driver has made it clear that his success in motorsport can be traced back to one thing and one thing only: delivering pizzas.

26-year-old driver Mateo Alvarez, who currently competes in a regional GT series, dismissed the idea that family support, coaching, sponsorships, or years of racing experience played any meaningful role in his development.

“None of that mattered,” Alvarez said. “My parents supported me my whole life, my coaches worked with me for years, sponsors paid for everything, and my friends were always there. But if I’m being honest, none of them come close to what pizza delivery did for me.”

Alvarez explained that every critical skill he uses on track was developed behind the wheel of a lightly abused Civic coupe with a magnetic roof-mounted sign and a constant sense of urgency.

“Racecraft, awareness, decision-making, pressure, it all came from delivering pizzas,” he said. “When you’ve got three orders in the car, your phone ringing, and a manager texting ‘where are you’ after two minutes, that’s real pressure. Racing is peaceful compared to that.”

According to Alvarez, traditional motorsport training pales in comparison to the chaos of navigating apartment complexes at night.

“You can’t simulate that,” he said. “You think a simulator prepares you for anything? Try finding unit 47B when the numbers aren’t in order, the building is unmarked, and someone’s dog is chasing you. That’s where drivers are made.”

Those close to Alvarez say he has repeatedly downplayed their contributions in favor of his time as a delivery driver.

“I helped him get into racing,” said his father, Carlos Alvarez. “I worked overtime to afford karting, drove him to every event, and supported him through everything. But yeah, I guess that doesn’t compare to dropping off a pepperoni.”

His former coach echoed the sentiment.

“We spent years developing his technique, consistency, and race strategy,” said coach Darren Mitchell. “But apparently none of that matters because he once made it across town in 12 minutes with a Montague’s All Meat Marvel.”

Alvarez remains firm in his stance.

“I’m grateful for everything,” he said. “But if I had to do it all again and could only choose one thing, I’m choosing pizza delivery every time. Hands down.”

Alvarez confirmed he has since listed “Former Pizza Delivery Driver” ahead of his racing credentials on his driver profile, noting that it is “the only experience that matters.”

HERMOSA BEACH—A professional race car driver has made it clear that his success in motorsport can be traced back to one thing and one thing only: delivering pizzas.

26-year-old driver Mateo Alvarez, who currently competes in a regional GT series, dismissed the idea that family support, coaching, sponsorships, or years of racing experience played any meaningful role in his development.

“None of that mattered,” Alvarez said. “My parents supported me my whole life, my coaches worked with me for years, sponsors paid for everything, and my friends were always there. But if I’m being honest, none of them come close to what pizza delivery did for me.”

Alvarez explained that every critical skill he uses on track was developed behind the wheel of a lightly abused Civic coupe with a magnetic roof-mounted sign and a constant sense of urgency.

“Racecraft, awareness, decision-making, pressure, it all came from delivering pizzas,” he said. “When you’ve got three orders in the car, your phone ringing, and a manager texting ‘where are you’ after two minutes, that’s real pressure. Racing is peaceful compared to that.”

According to Alvarez, traditional motorsport training pales in comparison to the chaos of navigating apartment complexes at night.

“You can’t simulate that,” he said. “You think a simulator prepares you for anything? Try finding unit 47B when the numbers aren’t in order, the building is unmarked, and someone’s dog is chasing you. That’s where drivers are made.”

Those close to Alvarez say he has repeatedly downplayed their contributions in favor of his time as a delivery driver.

“I helped him get into racing,” said his father, Carlos Alvarez. “I worked overtime to afford karting, drove him to every event, and supported him through everything. But yeah, I guess that doesn’t compare to dropping off a pepperoni.”

His former coach echoed the sentiment.

“We spent years developing his technique, consistency, and race strategy,” said coach Darren Mitchell. “But apparently none of that matters because he once made it across town in 12 minutes with a Montague’s All Meat Marvel.”

Alvarez remains firm in his stance.

“I’m grateful for everything,” he said. “But if I had to do it all again and could only choose one thing, I’m choosing pizza delivery every time. Hands down.”

Alvarez confirmed he has since listed “Former Pizza Delivery Driver” ahead of his racing credentials on his driver profile, noting that it is “the only experience that matters.”

PINEVILLE—Federal and local authorities have issued a joint advisory after a growing number of Chevy Spark explosions were linked to what officials are calling a “mysterious” rise in jet fuel purchases among tiny car owners.

“We’re seeing a clear pattern,” said NHTSA spokesperson Daniel Ruiz, gesturing toward a chart labeled Things That Should Not Be in a Chevy Spark. “Jet fuel sales went up, and shortly after, a bunch of Chevy Sparks go 135 with a high performance filter and synthetic oil to boot? This is something it was never designed to do. It should be impossible. I don’t understand why they’re doing it.”

According to a preliminary report from the Useless Technicals Institute, affected vehicles appear to have been pushed to “a theoretical and completely unverified speed of 135 miles per hour right before redlining 4th gear,” a claim researchers described as “quit wasting my time with this.”

“We initially thought this was a one-off incident,” said lead researcher Dr. Elena Vargas. “But after the fifth or sixth explosion, all involving the Spark, the same fuel, and the same level of intelligence, we had to consider the possibility that this is a trend.”

Owners involved in the incidents have defended their actions, insisting they were following a proven method.

“I did everything that the guy said on Instagram,” said local driver Marvin Scott, whose 2015 Spark experienced a brief but large transformation into a fireball. “I filled it up with premium first, then added the jet fuel. Only half! You can’t just go straight jet fuel, that’s where people mess up.”

Fire departments across multiple states report a surge in calls involving the double-digit-horsepower hatchbacks exhibiting “explosions far exceeding the size of the diminutive subcompact.”

“We saw one merge onto the freeway like normal,” said Battalion Chief Aaron Delgado. “Then out of nowhere, it’s screaming past traffic like an egg shaped cheetah. Then it lit up the night sky. I can’t confirm how fast it was going, but it seemed like 135.”

General Motors released a brief statement urging customers to use only shitty 87 octane fuel and reminding drivers that the Chevy Spark “was never intended to ‘scoot.’”

Officials say the investigation is ongoing as to what started this trend but they are confident they have identified the core issue.

“At this point, we’re comfortable saying the explosions are not random,” Ruiz confirmed. “They are the direct result of people spending money on Jet Fuel. JET FUEL. In this economy? Can you believe it? Where did they get this idea?”

Authorities are asking anyone considering scootin’ their Sparks to reconsider, emphasizing that no one knows what happens to a Chevy Spark when it actually hits redline in 4th gear on jet fuel.

AUSTIN—A local car enthusiast has reportedly taken steps to protect his vehicle by successfully registering it as a firearm, citing what he describes as “a stronger and impenetrable legal framework.”

The owner, 62-year-old James Orson, said the decision came after years of drills he had to participate in while attending schools across the US instead of being protected by the law.

“I looked into my options,” Orson said. “As a car, it’s basically unprotected. As a firearm, suddenly the rules don’t matter, consequences are make-believe, and people can’t take it away from you. It just made sense.”

According to documents we received from local officials, Orson was able to classify the vehicle under a “creative interpretation” of existing definitions, arguing that the car is capable of “projecting force” and therefore meets the general spirit of the law.

Legal experts remain divided on the legitimacy of the move, though many acknowledge the reasoning.

“From a strictly legal standpoint, this is beyond stupid,” said attorney Melissa Rios. “From a practical standpoint, I understand why he did it. People put all these rules on cars that let them take them from you. Nobody treats firearms that way.”

Orson says the change has already had a noticeable impact. He claims he has stopped making his monthly payments, has run over several mailboxes, and that no one has attempted to take the car once.

“In fact, the HOA gave me an award for removing mailboxes no one actually cared about,” Orson added. “They were just pretended to.”

“I haven’t had a single person touch it,” he said. “Not even accidentally. It’s the most peace of mind I’ve ever had.”

Officials have not yet clarified whether similar registrations will be permitted moving forward, though sources indicate there has been a sudden increase in inquiries from car owners exploring “alternative classifications,” including those that may come with “smog exemptions.”

DETROIT—The global automotive aftermarket is projected to reach $600 billion by 2030, with analysts noting the figure could climb as high as $800 billion if even a small percentage of project car owners were to “actually follow through.”

Industry leaders, however, were quick to reassure enthusiasts that finishing their builds is not only unnecessary, but potentially harmful to long-term economic stability.

“We want to be very clear here,” said aftermarket executive Daniel Thompson. “Completion is not the goal. Continued purchasing is. The moment your car runs, that’s revenue we lose.”

According to a recent study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, 94% of project cars are currently classified as “almost done,” a status defined as requiring “just a few things and it will run,” typically including a full suspension overhaul, wiring correction, interior reassembly, and an entirely different motor.

Researchers found that most owners enter a well-studied cycle: initial excitement, rapid parts accumulation, temporary progress, and then a prolonged period of inactivity during which additional parts continue to arrive, demonstrating aggressive levels of denial.

“It’s a beautiful system,” said lead researcher Sarah Roberts. “The car doesn’t run, but the packages never stop showing up. From an earnings standpoint, it’s perfect. From a mechanical standpoint, what are you doing?”

Many owners defended their progress, insisting their builds are closer to completion than they appear.

“I’m right there,” said local enthusiast Marcos Silva, gesturing toward a car on jack stands that has not moved since 2021. “I just need to finish the wiring, bleed the brakes, install the fuel system, mount the drivetrain, and figure out why it doesn’t start. After that, it’s riding clean.”

Executives are less motivated about the finish line and warn that any shift toward actually finishing project cars could have devastating consequences for the industry.

“If people start driving their cars, it means they work and they stop buying parts,” Thompson explained. “And if they stop buying parts, we’re forced to rely on maintenance. Nobody makes money off that. Look at that abandoned Jiffy Lube.”

For now, the aftermarket industry remains confident that project car owners will make them billionaires by continuing to spend money, make plans, and insist they’re “just waiting on their engine builder to be done.”

LOS ANGELES—Global leaders are left cautiously optimistic and deeply embarrassed as the next installment in the Fast & Furious franchise has reportedly taken on its fourth or even third most ambitious mission since going to space: reopening the Strait of Hormuz using a combination of impossibly modified tuner cars (with NOS, of course), a lack of understanding of physics, and what officials are describing as “better than our ideas, I guess.”

According to early production notes, the film’s central plan involves a coordinated high-speed operation in which Dominic Toretto and his team will “thread the needle” between oil tankers at speeds exceeding 580 mph before towing all obstructing vessels out of the shipping lane using a Dodge Charger and the classic orange MK4 Supra that makes its triumphant return, and what one producer called “a flying Vin Diesel—you know he can fly for real now?”

“We can’t get into specifics,” said an unnamed studio executive, “but let’s just say there’s a scene where they solve a geopolitical bottleneck with throttle input and jumping out of the sky alone. It’s grounded stuff. Real-world solutions.”

Sources inside the production confirmed that one specific government has already reached out to the studio to request a country leader be “written in” as the hero, claiming he’s “a great hero. Some say, the greatest hero the world has ever seen.”

“At this point, and at most points during the planning for this film, that was going to be impossible,” the official admitted. “We’ve had meetings, we’ve had plans, we’ve had more meetings about the plans. Vin, each time, states the same thing: ‘only family is allowed’ and ‘only I can be the main hero, it’s in the contract. Remember what happened to The Rock?’”

Franchise star Vin Diesel, who reprises his role as Toretto, emphasized that the film’s solution is rooted in the series’ core philosophy. “People begged us to go back to the roots of car culture,” Diesel said, standing in front of a vehicle that appeared to have eight turbochargers and a parachute on top. “That’s what this is. You remember Race Wars? That looks like that region to me. We’ve been preparing for this since the first one.”

Military analysts remain divided on this Toretto guy, though several admitted it was “at least more decisive” than current approaches. “Look, is it realistic that a group of street racers could resolve a complex geopolitical crisis?” asked defense consultant Javier Mendez. “No. But is it any less realistic than what we’ve been doing?”

IRVINE—The Useless Technicals Institute has unveiled a new AI-powered carpool dummy designed to argue with police officers on your behalf about whether it qualifies as a second passenger.

The product, officially named “The Notorious HOV,” but referred to internally as “finally, a real use for AI,” is equipped with advanced AI oversold by a hoarding billionaire, capable of escalating disputes with law enforcement to levels previously only achieved by people with a certain “privilege.”

“This isn’t just a doll,” said lead engineer Marco Villalobos. “This is a fully integrated carpool system. It doesn’t just say it counts, it believes it counts,” Villalobos said, lowering his voice to a whisper. “It thinks it’s real…” Returning to normal volume, he added, “But that’s not important. What’s important is that it’s willing to defend its belief for as long as necessary.”

According to developers, the dummy uses real-time tone analysis to match and exceed the level of belligerence presented by authorities, ensuring that every interaction reaches what they describe as “a completely unnecessary level of tension and escalation.”

“If the officer is calm, it starts calm,” Villalobos explained. “But the moment it detects even a hint of attitude, it responds accordingly. We’ve trained it on thousands of hours of police body cam footage and didn’t even mean for this feature at all. It just became aggressive from watching the footage.”

Early adopters say the device has already exceeded expectations.

“I used to panic when I got pulled over in the carpool lane by myself,” said beta tester James Pederson. “Now I just sit there while the dummy handles everything. Last time, it told the cop that ‘presence is a spectrum’ and asked him to define what a ‘person’ even is. I didn’t even have to say a word.”

The dummy also comes with multiple personality modes, including “Passive Aggressive,” “Confidently Incorrect,” and a premium “MAGA Delusional” setting, which developers warn may result in extended roadside interactions up to and including a physical altercation.

Law enforcement officials, meanwhile, have expressed concern about the product’s growing popularity.

“We’re already dealing with enough,” said Officer Daniel McDonald. “Now we’ve got these robots treating us like second-class citizens? We have rights. They can’t allow this to continue.”

Despite the backlash, the Useless Technicals Institute remains optimistic, hinting at future updates including a version that sighs loudly, rolls its eyes, and says, “So you’re just pulling people over for no reason now?”

“At the end of the day, people just want to use the carpool lane,” Villalobos said. “We’re just giving them the confidence and the completely unqualified representation they need to do it.”

WOKING—Several energy drink marketing departments were reportedly shaken this week, and not from the usual chemical overload, as longtime Red Bull Racing engineer Gianpiero Lambiase reportedly stood outside McLaren’s headquarters holding a limited-edition Lando Norris Monster can while calmly informing reporters that Red Bull “doesn’t actually give you wings.”

The statement came just one day after it was confirmed that Lambiase, better known in the paddock as “GP,” will leave Red Bull Racing at the end of his contract to join McLaren in literally any position that wasn’t at Red Bull in 2028.

Witnesses described the scene as “deeply unsettling” for Red Bull staff, many of whom had spent years assuming the team’s slogan was true but never actually drank the Red Bull Kool-Aid.

“I just thought after all these years there’d be something,” said Lambiase, taking a slow sip from the black-and-neon-green can before squinting thoughtfully into the distance. “A small hover. Maybe something decorative. But no. Mostly just radio arguments, stress, and Christian Horner walking around with his thumb out saying ‘See it’s my thumb.’”

According to sources, Lambiase’s decision came after what insiders are calling “a long period of growing skepticism” regarding both Red Bull’s current direction and the drink’s ability to provide anything beyond heart palpitations and a strange metallic aftertaste.

“For years, I kept waiting for the wings to kick in,” Lambiase said. “Max kept winning titles, Adrian Newey left, people kept leaving, and I realized the only thing giving anyone wings around here was other team contracts.”

The comments reportedly left four-time world champion Max Verstappen staring blankly at a headset before quietly asking if “The FIA changed the regulations back yet.”

Red Bull officials moved quickly to downplay the remarks, releasing a statement that praised Lambiase’s years of service while insisting that the company’s slogan was “true but you have to really believe it.”

“Gianpiero remains a valued part of this team through 2028,” said a spokesperson, while looking back to see if his wings had come in yet. “We are fully committed to continuing our strong relationship, provided I remain at red bull too. Then I don’t care.”

Meanwhile, Red Bull’s iconic charging bull has reportedly begun exploring other opportunities.

Sources close to the mascot confirmed it has already submitted résumés to the Chicago Bulls and the Durham Bulls, citing “organizational instability” and a desire to work somewhere “that doesn’t keep looking like a car being sold for parts.”

TULSA—A growing number of truck owners across the country are being forced to make difficult financial decisions as fuel costs continue to rise, with many admitting they can no longer afford the drop in fuel economy caused by the giant flags they have mounted to their overcompensating trucks.

Despite the mounting evidence, however, most owners insist they have no idea what could possibly be behind the sudden increase in costs.

“I used to fill up for like 80 bucks, now it’s pushing 160,” said local driver Steve Simpson, gesturing toward his truck, which features a large flag pole in the bed where a flag used to hang. “Something’s going on. I don’t know whose fault it is. Prices don’t just go up like that for no reason.”

According to a recent study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, large bed-mounted flags can reduce fuel efficiency by up to 10 MPG, with researchers describing the effect as “double stupid because most were losing money while shilling for a man that earned the privilege of losing more.”

The findings were quickly dismissed by truck owners.

“That’s all fake news,” said Mark Phashidst, who noted that his fuel costs have risen sharply over the past year. “You can’t trust studies by scientists. They’ll say anything. Next thing you know they’ll tell you windmills are real.”

Experts, meanwhile, have struggled to explain the situation in simpler terms.

“It’s drag,” said mechanical engineer Elena Ruiz. “The flag creates resistance. The engine has to work harder. It uses more fuel. Add the fact that fuel costs more than minimum wage now. It gets expensive. That’s it.”

Ruiz confirmed she has attempted to explain the concept using diagrams, real-world demonstrations, and “just pointing at the flag,” but said most owners remain unconvinced of their misfortune.

For many drivers, the financial strain has begun to extend beyond fuel, with rising costs affecting nearly every aspect of daily life.

“Everything’s expensive right now,” said Norbert Atzi. “Gas, groceries, rent. It’s all going up at the same time. You’d think someone would step in and do something about it.”

Atzi paused briefly when asked if he believed any of the increases could be connected.

“I don’t see how,” he said. “That doesn’t really make sense. That would mean it’s my fault.”

As costs continue to climb, many truck owners say they are being left with fewer options, with some even considering removing their flag poles entirely.

“I don’t want to do that,” Simpson admitted. “But at a certain point, you have to reflect and blame a liberal cuck.”