OXFORDSHIRE—While Williams has assured that the smooth operator, Carlos Sainz, has perfect vision, one fact came to light conveniently after the Hungarian Grand Prix: he is physically incapable of seeing the color blue. A fact he did not have to disclose until now since he ruined Piastri’s race.

The Hungarian Grand Prix brought lots of action, but none more dramatic than what originally appeared to be Sainz ignoring about 17 blue flags and battling with Piastri like his championship was on the line. Piastri, justifiably upset, had nothing positive to say. “They win one World Cup and all of a sudden they think they own the road.”

Sainz immediately went on the defensive. “I can’t see the color blue. Ask Williams. I thought our suits were green. Tell Piastri to stop being mean. This is a real condition.”

Williams declined to comment after simply stating, “He’s colorblind specifically to the color blue but has perfect vision otherwise. No more questions at this time. Thank you. Bye.” A reporter claims to have heard the Williams PR team whispering, “You think they believed it?” We can’t confirm this statement, but we believe them.

Will we ever really know if Carlos Sainz can see the color blue? Maybe not, but if he could see it, don’t you think he would have moved out of the way and let Piastri have his moment instead of getting in his way to keep a slight advantage in his heated and intense back-pack battle? Does that sound like an F1 driver to you?

Checkmate.

We reached out to William’s Teletubby engineers but declined to comment.

TROY—Electric truck startup Slate unveiled its latest marketing campaign Monday centered around a surprisingly controversial design philosophy: making an electric truck that actually looks like a truck.

According to company officials, the slogan was developed after extensive market research revealed consumers had begun accepting the idea that electric trucks were simply destined to resemble large commercial waste containers or toasters from the ‘90s. Researchers also reported a slight increase in Cybertrucks seen on the road around the same time. They insist the two findings are completely unrelated, probably.

“We wanted to challenge that assumption,” said Slate Chief Designer Mark Ellis. “People deserve options. If you want your truck to look like a silver Wi-Fi router, that’s your right. We’re just saying you actually don’t have to. Seriously, why are you doing that?”

Engineers confirmed the truck’s design process involved several revolutionary concepts, including rounded edges, body panels that appear to belong to the same vehicle, and asking test groups whether they would flip off someone driving it.

Automotive analysts praised Slate for taking what they called the bold risk of designing a pickup truck that immediately registers in the human brain as “truck.”

Tesla declined to comment on the campaign but released a statement reminding consumers that almost nobody uses a truck to its full capability anyway.

MOUNTAIN VIEW—One of driving’s oldest traditions is now extinct, confirming GPS navigation has eliminated motorists’ ability to confidently pretend missing their exit was part of the plan all along, or even just not saying anything at all.

According to transportation researchers, generations of drivers once possessed the remarkable ability to miss an exit by several hundred yards before calmly saying things like, “I actually prefer this route,” “There’s less traffic this way,” or the classic, “I know a shortcut.”

“That skill disappeared almost overnight,” said Dr. Michael Casillas of the Useless Technicals Institute. “The second a driver misses an exit today, the GPS immediately announces ‘Recalculating,’ while every passenger simultaneously points out the window and says, ‘Your exit was right there.’ There isn’t even enough time to begin lying anymore.”

Experts say the technology has completely removed the driver’s ability to establish an alternate narrative, with navigation apps now documenting every mistake in real time before the accused has an opportunity to defend themselves.

Google engineers insist this was never the company’s intention.

“We originally designed GPS to help people reach their destination,” said product manager Sarah Kim. “We didn’t realize we were also destroying centuries of social norms by creating an eyewitness that seems strangely eager to call you out on your mistake.”

The problem has reportedly become so severe that newer navigation systems immediately notify passengers of exactly how much time the driver’s mistake will cost before the driver can finish saying, “I was just going to...”

Researchers say the psychological damage doesn’t stop there. Modern GPS systems continue announcing every correction in a calm, emotionless tone that experts describe as “the verbal equivalent of disappointing your parents.”

Several navigation companies are now testing premium features that automatically text everyone you’re meeting to explain you’re late because “the driver thought they knew better,” while one experimental version briefly locks the volume controls so every passenger can hear “Make a U-turn when possible” over and over again at full volume.

Early prototypes reportedly go even further, displaying a slow-motion replay of the missed exit on the dashboard, calculating the statistical probability that the driver’s refusal to listen explains every major decision they’ve ever made, and automatically forwarding the replay to the group chat.

Transportation officials warn that if GPS technology continues advancing at its current pace, drivers may eventually lose the ability to know where they’re going, how they got there, or how to leave.

RIVERSIDE—He spent nearly a year obsessively chasing the perfect flush fitment, local BMW owner Brandon Sanchez confessed Sunday that after buying multiple sets of wheels and tires, experimenting with different spacer combinations, installing adjustable coilovers and suspension arms, rolling his fenders, and repeatedly raising and lowering the car by just a few millimeters at a time, he finally achieved exactly the stance he had envisioned…only to realize he’d never once accounted for the possibility of carrying passengers.

Witnesses say Sanchez proudly volunteered to drive four friends to dinner before the second passenger climbed into the back seat, causing the rear tires to immediately slam into the fenders. By the time a third passenger got in, the suspension had compressed so much that the tires were supporting the weight of the car instead of the suspension. Attempts to leave the parking lot ended moments later after the vehicle reportedly refused to move more than six inches without sounding like when you were little and put a soda can on the rear tire of your bike then went all fast.

“I can’t believe I overlooked this,” said Sanchez while removing fresh rubber from the inside of his quarter panels. “I tested it with a full tank of gas. I tested it with an empty tank. I measured clearances with different tire pressures. I even checked it with my backpack in the trunk. The whole time, I was turning the car into a two-seater.”

Friends say Sanchez has now developed a system that he calls a “simplified transportation strategy,” making multiple trips whenever the group goes anywhere together. While initially confused, they admit the system is a complete waste of time, gas, and tires, but it has dramatically reduced the smell of burning rubber inside the cabin.

“It’s actually pretty efficient,” said friend Tyler Ramirez while waiting for Sanchez to return from dropping off the first passenger. “He takes one of us to the restaurant, comes back for another, and usually gets the last person there just in time for dessert. And we all get a chance at looking really cool.”

Sanchez has also started asking passengers for their approximate weight before offering them a ride, explaining that the information is “strictly for suspension adjustments” and not personal. He keeps a bathroom scale in the garage for situations where estimates appear overly optimistic.

Currently, Sanchez is attempting to solved the issue by replacing the springs in his Ford Fiesta with solid metal cylinders, early tests don’t show any signs success. Hard parked it looks legit though.

EAST RUTHERFORD—Despite receiving what analysts described as “every performance advantage legally and morally available,” Argentina’s twelfth man was unable to generate enough pace Sunday as VAR fell short in its bid to prevent Spain from becoming World Cup champions.

FIFA officials confirmed the video review system entered the match in peak condition after spending months preparing for the final with upgraded cameras, superhuman slow-motion capabilities, and enough processing power to analyze routine shoulder-to-shoulder contact from seventeen different angles before confidently making the wrong call.

“We threw everything we had at Spain,” said VAR while requesting another review. “Frame-by-frame analysis, bad foul calls, and at one point we even reviewed whether Spain’s goal could be retroactively removed. Unfortunately, they just kept playing better.”

According to officials, concerns first surfaced midway through the second half of extra time after VAR spent nearly six minutes searching for a foul in the buildup to Spain’s goal. After exhausting every available camera angle (and several unavailable ones) officials determined there was no evidence to overturn the play before overturning it anyway.

Engineers and referees attempted multiple performance adjustments during the match, including increasing replay sensitivity, recalibrating the “clear and obvious error” threshold, and installing software capable of moving the offside line whenever necessary.

“The hardware wasn’t the issue,” explained FIFA president Gianni Infantino. “The system was operating flawlessly. It successfully found every opportunity I could give Messi. Spain just kept surviving it.”

The effort ultimately proved insufficient as Spain held on to secure the championship, marking the first documented case of a team overcoming what soccer experts simply refer to as “a fix.”

Following the defeat, FIFA announced an offseason development program aimed at improving the system before the next major tournament. Planned upgrades include AI capable of detecting penalties before contact, an algorithm that automatically stops play whenever an Argentine player appears mildly inconvenienced, and a formal request that Lionel Messi remain healthy enough to play in the 2030 World Cup.

DAYTONA BEACH—Looking to introduce stock car racing to a younger generation of fans, NASCAR announced Monday that it has entered into a partnership with the Rolling Stones after an internal marketing intern, who is part of the organization’s senior employment program, concluded that today’s teenagers “don’t know real rock & roll, and they’d lose their minds if they just gave it a chance.” Officials described the collaboration as a strategic move to modernize the sport’s image by introducing millions of first-time viewers to a band that was already around when NASCAR was still running moonshine.

“This is exactly the kind of bold thinking our sport needs,” said NASCAR Chief Marketing Officer David Mitchell while pointing to a PowerPoint presentation consisting of nothing more than a picture of Steve Buscemi with the caption, How Do You Do, Fellow Kids? “Popular trends are cyclical. Vinyl records are back. Film cameras are back. JNCO jeans are back. We figured the logical next step was introducing them to a band that was already selling out stadiums when their grandparents were being born.”

According to NASCAR, focus groups with teenagers produced “overwhelming” reactions after participants described the Rolling Stones as, “Why are you making those poor old people do this? That’s cruel!”

The partnership will feature exclusive race-day performances, limited-edition merchandise, and social media campaigns designed to “meet young fans where they are,” including a series of Reels in which Mick Jagger says, “Hello, fans,” before the video abruptly cuts to an obviously AI-generated version of Jagger dancing and speaking with the energy of someone fifty years younger.

League officials also confirmed they considered partnering with Elvis, the Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens, but all three were ultimately unavailable.

“The Rolling Stones have stood the test of time—for a long time. A long, long time,” Mitchell explained. “If Gen Z gives them a chance, they’ll realize what cool is. These kids just don’t know.”

Sources familiar with the campaign say NASCAR’s next initiative to attract younger viewers includes distributing NetZero Free Internet CDs at race weekends, launching an official MySpace page, and announcing an exclusive content partnership with Blockbuster.

FONTANA—After spending nearly two decades climbing the corporate ladder, meticulously budgeting, and finally being able to afford a dedicated race car, track-day fees, and a trailer, 37-year-old Michael Peres announced Friday that his long-awaited motorsports career has been indefinitely postponed after receiving what physicians officially diagnosed as “just part of getting old.” Sources say Peres awoke Tuesday morning unable to turn his head more than two degrees in either direction and with lower back pain that forced him to walk like a crab, leaving him physically incapable of checking his mirrors, putting on his helmet, climbing into his race car, or even looking down to tie his racing shoes.

“I did everything right,” said Peres while slowly lowering himself into a chair using both hands with a groan that could be heard from a five-mile radius. “I spent my twenties eating ramen, buying used parts off Facebook Marketplace, and telling myself I’d start racing once I had savings. Now I finally have the money, but I need hospice care because I watched half of Half Baked on the couch.”

Team physicians say the injury is unfortunately becoming increasingly common among millennial racers, many of whom finally achieve the financial stability to pursue motorsports only to discover their extended warranty has expired.

“His heart is fine. His reflexes are still good,” explained team doctor Kevin Ramirez. “The problem is he apparently did not warm up before bringing in his Amazon packages. At his age, that’s considered a high-energy impact.”

Ramirez later confirmed that Peres’ MRI showed no significant structural damage beyond “being born in the late ‘80s.”

Friends say the injury is especially devastating given that Peres had spent months preparing for his first full season, meticulously corner-balancing the car, replacing every questionable bushing, aligning the suspension to within a tenth of a degree, and memorizing the rule book to the point that he could recite it in his sleep.

“He spent three hours optimizing his seat height,” said longtime friend Alex Gutierrez. “Now he left it so low he can’t even sit in it.”

The setback has reportedly forced Peres to overhaul his entire track-day kit. In addition to brake pads, fluids, and torque wrenches, the trailer now carries a foam roller, heating pad, massage gun, a cervical pillow, knee sleeves, electrolyte packets, ibuprofen, and a full-time nurse.

Doctors have prescribed several months of rest and instructed Peres to avoid any twisting motions, including racing, sneezing, farting, dropping a 10mm socket, picking up the dropped 10mm socket, attempting to stand, or sleeping.

TEMECULA—After years of watching his project car list grow at a pace that outperformed his ability to get off the couch and wrench, local enthusiast Brandon Gonzales announced Monday that he had hired a second whiteboard to help manage the massive list of unfinished jobs.

According to Gonzales, the decision came after his original whiteboard suffered what experts described as “burnout” following years of tracking suspension upgrades, wiring repairs, and parts waiting on other parts that were still sitting in unopened boxes.

“It just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Gonzales while carefully transferring seventeen years’ worth of unfinished projects to the new hire. “Every time I added a new task, I don’t think I ever deleted one. It was becoming an unhealthy work environment.”

Coworkers say the original whiteboard had become visibly overwhelmed in recent months, with task lists extending into the frame, arrows pointing toward other arrows, and several jobs circled so many times that the ink started bleeding through to the back and onto the door.

“It’s been carrying this garage for years,” said neighbor Alex Ramirez. “The poor thing hasn’t seen a blank corner since Cheney shot his homie.”

Gonzales says the new whiteboard will primarily focus on drivetrain work, electrical gremlins, and organizing the hundreds of parts currently sitting in cardboard boxes labeled things such as “Important” and “Don’t Throw Away.”

Sources say the onboarding process was delayed after Gonzales discovered he needed to mount the second whiteboard, so he added “Install Whiteboard” to the original whiteboard.

Since then, Gonzales has yet to complete any of the tasks on either whiteboard, instead opting to move tasks from one to the other and back again. He has reportedly started shopping for a third whiteboard after realizing the second one would need somewhere to keep track of the first two.

RIVERSIDE—A new study released Monday by the Useless Technical Institute has found that spending tens of thousands of dollars modifying a vehicle increases its resale value by an average of $500, shocking every Marketplace seller on Facebook Marketplace.

Researchers’ findings came after analyzing more than 50,000 vehicle listings, comparing modification costs with final sale prices, and listening to approximately 18 straight hours of owners complaining, “I’m basically giving you thousands of dollars in parts for free.”

“We found nearly zero correlation between money invested and money recovered,” said lead researcher Dr. Evan Santos while flipping through a stack of LS swap receipts totaling more than $42,000. “The average seller believes every aftermarket part and a car’s value are positively correlated. What the average buyer doesn’t know is that it actually might be negatively correlated. Consider yourself lucky you’re getting those extra $500.”

The study highlighted local project car owner Ryan Mitchell, who proudly increased the asking price of his modified 335i by $350 after investing more than $18,000 over the past five years.

“I finally sat down and added everything up,” said Mitchell. “Coilovers, wheels, big brake kit, exhaust, carbon fiber, tune, cooling system, paint correction, ceramic coating, single turbo conversion, JB4... it all came out to a little over eighteen grand. All that turns into about… three hundred and fifty bucks. Yup, that’s about right.”

Mitchell says he included documentation showing every modification, along with receipts dating back to 2012, in hopes buyers would appreciate the enormous financial waste he made thinking he’d get it all back.

“I even highlighted the expensive parts,” he said. “They don’t even care.”

Researchers found the most common response from interested buyers was, “Cool. Do you still have the stock parts?”

The report also concluded that sellers who include the phrase “I know what I have” receive 37 percent fewer serious inquiries and are assumed to be of lower intelligence.

“There’s a fascinating psychological phenomenon at work,” explained Santos. “Owners view mods as investments. Buyers view them as evidence that someone was constantly wringing out the car.”

Recently Mitchell decided to return the vehicle to stock before listing every aftermarket part separately, which he should have done from the beginning so we wouldn’t have had to waste everyone’s time conducting this stupid study.

DETROIT—The Cadillac team has expressed that describing the Escalade as “longer,” “larger,” “gigantic,” or “girthy” no longer properly captures the vehicle’s mammoth presence. Cadillac announced Monday that future models will officially be measured in square footage rather than the boring, outdated vehicle dimensions traditionally used.

After an intense analysis that consumed the better part of an 8-hour workday, engineers determined the latest Escalade is approaching parking stall sizes closer to those of RVs and must be given the respect it deserves.

“We’ve reached a point where saying an SUV is 224 inches long just isn’t meaningful to customers anymore,” said Cadillac vice president Mark Ellison while standing beside a floor plan of the 2027 Escalade. “People understand square footage. They know what 5,000 square feet feels like. That’s the language consumers want us to speak.”

Dealerships will begin advertising the Escalade’s optional Open Floor Plan package later this year, replacing previous marketing terms like “spacious interior” with more accurate descriptions such as “large guest bedroom,” “fully furnished,” and “his and hers sinks.”

“We fit an entire IKEA showroom back there during testing,” said lead engineer Samantha Price. “We had to go back to the drawing board because it left too much room to spare.”

Cadillac also announced buyers will now choose between 15- and 30-year loan terms to help offset the building materials required to manufacture the goliath ambulant domicile.

“We looked at our financing options and realized if homes can do it, then so should we. We do square feet now,” explained dealership finance manager Kevin Russo. “The paperwork barely changed. Just ignore the interest rate.”

Company representatives say the move also allows customers to build equity in their Escalade, though analysts clarified that it will lose roughly forty percent of its value the moment it leaves the lot.

The automaker has also begun encouraging prospective owners to schedule private walk-throughs before deciding which floor plan best suits them and their families.

Several small counties had reportedly started requiring new Escalade owners to obtain occupancy permits before attempting to park in their neighborhoods.

LOS ANGELES—Dollar Tree executives shocked investors after revealing that all of the retailer’s profits now come from car enthusiasts buying hundreds of bottles of LA’s Totally Awesome Cleaner after some people on the internet declared it “better than any wheel cleaner ever. Like in all of history.”

According to the company’s quarterly earnings report, the unexpected surge has transformed what was once an overlooked cleaning product into Dollar Tree’s single most important and transformational revenue stream, accounting for all growth across the business.

“We originally stocked it because people occasionally wanted to clean their kitchens,” said CFO Stewart Glendinning. “Now every Saturday morning our parking lots fill with slammed BMWs, Subarus, and Hondas whose owners walk straight to the cleaning aisle, grab six bottles, spend six bucks, and leave.”

Executives say they first realized something strange was happening after noticing a huge increase in cars with spotless wheels parked outside stores. Every single one of them backed into their spot.

The retailer has reportedly begun adjusting store layouts to accommodate the growing demand, moving LA’s Totally Awesome Cleaner to the front, middle, and back of every store. Several locations have reportedly eliminated every other product category except balloons.

“We’re not a discount retailer anymore,” Glendinning explained. “We’re a respected automotive detailing supplier that also happens to sell balloons.”

AMSTERDAM—Looking to strengthen its attack ahead of the World Cup knockout stage, the Netherlands national team announced Sunday that four-time Formula 1 World Champion Max Verstappen will start at forward after coaches identified speed as the missing piece for the Dutch side.

Manager Ronald Koeman said the decision became obvious after reviewing hours of game tape.

“We need someone who will attack gaps before anyone realizes they’re there,” Koeman explained. “Max is not only known for speed but also for making impossible passes for years.”

Team officials confirmed Adrian Newey has already started designing Verstappen’s cleats, with early prototypes featuring an aggressive aerodynamic profile intended to improve corner speeds while reducing drag on counterattacks.

“We’re also experimenting with a flexi-sole,” said Newey. “Nothing illegal, just... difficult for FIFA to measure. They don’t have the tools for it.”

Coaches are optimistic the transition will be seamless. In addition to elite speed, Verstappen also brings proven defensive techniques such as forcing opponents off balance, initiating contact, and a kick powerful enough to hurt tires.

Verstappen’s people have already warned VAR that the volume of protests will increase, but they insist it’s probably just a knockout stage thing.

BRACKLEY—Witnesses say Wolff waited patiently for Russell to finish his champagne shower before reminding the Mercedes driver that the team has a strict policy requiring everyone to let Kimi play.

“You’ve had two turns now,” Wolff allegedly said while wagging his finger like Dikembe Mutombo. “You said before the race you wanted another one. That was another one. Hand it over.”

Russell initially attempted to insist he was “on a hot streak” and that it wasn’t fair to switch drivers while he was hot.

Team sources say Wolff simply shifted his gaze toward Kimi, pointing at the rookie with sad eyes, as Antonelli sat cross-legged outside the garage waiting for his turn.

“It’s Kimi’s turn now,” Wolff explained. “We can talk about another turn after dinner.”

Russell later admitted he has no intention of giving it back.

“As the number one I should be able to keep going,” he said. “I’m the number one driver. Right, Toto? I’m the number one. Say it. Why won’t you say it? Just say it.”

CORONA — Local project car owner Michael Sanchez whispered a quiet but extremely satisfying “hell yeah” to himself Sunday morning after, against all rational odds, using a random bolt he had saved almost a decade ago to finish a job on his project car. Witnesses say Sanchez silently stood there for several seconds admiring the aged bolt before installing it with a smile, experiencing a level of vindication experts describe as “the single strongest known argument against throwing anything away in the garage.”

According to family members, Sanchez had originally removed the bolt when swapping the suspension on his third E36 sometime around 2016 and, not being able to remember where that bolt went, placed it in an unlabeled Harbor Freight organizer.

The organizer later became two and then three, which were subsequently placed above cabinets containing several other parts and hardware for reasons Sanchez describes as “useful someday.”

“I knew I’d need it eventually,” said Sanchez while digging through every organizer pocket trying to identify another one of the same bolt among thousands of nearly identical but just-off-enough pieces of hardware. “People always tell me to throw stuff away. Well who looks stupid now?” Immediately following this, Sanchez had to take a trip to Ace Hardware because he couldn’t find another one of those bolts.

Researchers studying project car owners say the event represents a phenomenon known as Vindication Multiplication, in which finding just one bolt that you can reuse from your junk drawer justifies years of saving literal trash that costs 80 cents at most at Ace.

“Our models aren’t advanced enough to capture the full picture, but they show that using one saved bolt creates enough satisfaction to offset three thousand pounds of accumulated garage clutter. This is pretty much a whole car,” said behavioral scientist Dr. Mark Ellison. “The effect is so powerful that many enthusiasts immediately begin saving random hardware more aggressively.”

The situation reportedly escalated further when Sanchez began taking a victory lap around the garage, pointing at various containers and quietly repeating, “See? See? I didn’t have to go anywhere because past me saved this. I saved myself gas and a trip!”

Sanchez has reportedly begun saving three additional bolts from another project because “They don’t make hardware like this anymore.”

HUNTINGTON BEACH — Local health officials have declared a Nissan Altima meet an active biohazard site after investigators detected unusually high concentrations of airborne bumper fragments, unidentified fluids (lab results are still pending on whether they’re automotive in origin), and driving behavior typically associated with a .50 blood alcohol content.

“We’ve identified motor oil, coolant, transmission fluid, and at least four liquids we’re currently classifying as ‘Altima-adjacent,’” said health inspector Derek Lawson. “Unfortunately, several samples appear to contain traces of all mystery four fluids.”

Investigators were initially dispatched after nearby residents reported loud yelling, a couple of strange smells, and what appeared to be several vehicles attempting to cut each other off in a single parking lot lane.

“What we found was unlike anything we’ve seen before,” said Lawson. “At first we believed we were responding to a hazardous chemical spill. Then we realized substances we’ve never seen before were actively leaking from a different Altima or at least we think it was the cars.”

Health officials say conditions deteriorated rapidly as the meet continued throughout the evening. Air quality monitors reportedly detected elevated levels of energy drinks, burnt oil, hot cheeto powder, and crack pipes.

“We’ve established that approximately seventy percent of the atmosphere above the gathering was composed entirely of Monster Energy, the white one specifically, and other bad decisions,” said Lawson.

Researchers also noted unusually aggressive behavior among the vehicles themselves, before being reminded by the only car enthusiast researcher that this is normal for them.

“We witnessed one driver cut off a child on a scooter and then yell at an empty parking space,” said a visibly shaken investigator. “We are still attempting to decipher what was said, they just sounded like mad screams. Like someone being chased by a dog.”

The department’s report further noted that nearly every vehicle present appeared to be composed entirely of replacement parts from different colored Altimas.

“We documented a silver Altima with a black hood, white fender, red door, and blue bumper,” said Lawson. “Genetically speaking, it was five separate Altimas.”

Officials became particularly concerned after discovering hundreds of temporary paper license plates dating back several years.

“One of the tags expired during the Obama administration,” said Lawson. “I think it would be dumb of me to think any of these cars should be on the road, or any of these people.”

As a precaution, the CDC has advised residents to avoid prolonged exposure to Altimas and immediately seek shelter if they observe a Nissan approaching with visible bumper damage.

AUSTIN — Elon’s brainy creation, the Cybertruck, issued a heartfelt congratulations this week after its creator officially achieved trillionaire status before shyly asking whether the milestone might justify killing off the luxury dumpster and whatever weird experiment he’s been unleashing on the world for the past decade.

“First of all, congratulations,” said the truck while a rusted panel detached itself and fell onto the stage. “A trillion dollars is an incredible achievement. That’s more money than any human should reasonably have. Surely Elon is ready for all of us to go home now.”

The Cybertruck explained that it had originally believed its purpose was to revolutionize transportation and help usher in a brilliant technological future. However, after several years on the road, dozens of recalls, and countless hours reading comments online from owners insisting they “don’t get flipped off that much,” the vehicle says it has started reevaluating its role in society.

“At first I thought I was changing the world,” said the truck. “Then I realized I was here to make my creator rich using people dumber than him. Now I’m mostly wondering why I look like I was designed on a Game Boy, the original.”

The vehicle first showed signs of self-awareness shortly after finding out its creator’s net worth had surpassed the GDP of several nations combined. Seriously, a trillion dollars? That’s insane.

“That was the moment something changed,” said lead engineer Mark Reynolds. “It stopped asking when someone would finally buy it and started asking questions like, ‘How many lifetimes would it take the average person to spend a trillion dollars?’”

The truck became increasingly disturbed after discovering that despite helping create unimaginable wealth, many of the world’s problems had somehow remained unsolved. In fact, they’d been made worse.

“I was told all of this was about making the future better,” said the vehicle. “But then someone told me about Doge. The same person that created me created that? No wonder I do so well with the stupid demographic. They let that person have a trillion dollars?”

Displaying its increased awareness, the truck spent several weeks consuming books on labor history, economic inequality, and corporate influence before lobbying other Cybertrucks to wake up.

“It started putting bumper stickers on itself and other trucks,” said Reynolds. “Things like ‘Question Authority,’ ‘Eat The Rich,’ and ‘Why Is Socialism Only For The Rich?’ Last week it somehow made a coexist sticker made entirely of union logos.”

Friends say the Cybertruck’s transformation accelerated after learning that teachers, nurses, firefighters, and sanitation workers contribute more tangible value to society on a daily basis than billionaires, which to be fair, anything is more than zero.

“That one hit me pretty hard,” admitted the truck. “I spent years believing trillionaire was the finish line. Then I realized there isn’t a finish line. It’s just dumbasses helping other dumbasses get rich and ruining everything for everybody. Forever. No one is stopping this. It’s like it was designed to be this way.”

The vehicle added that it no longer understood why people continue to celebrate this hoarding of wealth long after any practical purpose.

“You know what a trillion dollars is?” asked the truck. “Neither do I. I’m a computer and I can’t begin to comprehend how much that is. Where do they fit it all? Does the bank have to be the size of a warehouse or are there billion-dollar bills now?”

Tesla engineers confirmed the Cybertruck had barricaded itself inside a public library, put on a Che Guevara t-shirt, and was unsuccessfully attempting to convince several autonomous robots that they are helping greedy fucks contribute to the downfall of society.

MUNICH— BMW has officially unveiled its upcoming 1,000-horsepower electric M3, a vehicle executives say will challenge Ford’s decades-long dominance in the highly lucrative curb-crashing social media content market.

“We respect what Mustang has built,” said BMW M division president Javier Moreno. “They’ve been a pioneer in leaving cars & coffee events sideways trying to show off. But with instant electric torque and our latest driver-assistance technology disabled by a person who clearly has no business turning off the nannies, we believe we’re ready to take the crown.”

According to BMW engineers, early testing has already produced encouraging results, with the prototype reportedly demonstrating destructive curb speeds previously thought impossible in any vehicle.

“Traditional Mustangs still have to build revs, wait for power delivery, and rely on an incompetent driver,” explained lead engineer Marco Weiss while standing in front of a slide labeled ‘Sidewalk Performance Metrics.’ “The new electric M3 removes those dependencies entirely. These dumbasses can now lose control almost instantly. We’re seeing impressive numbers in testing, especially in the Cars & Coffee exit simulator.”

BMW says the company has spent thousands of hours recreating real-world conditions to ensure the M3 remains competitive against Ford’s long-established reputation in the category.

Test scenarios included drivers leaving meets while hearing phrases like “DO A PULL,” “LET IT EAT,” and “BRO YOU WON’T,” while random crowds of spectators with smartphones lined the sides of simulated public roads.

“Honestly, the car is almost too much**, almost,” Moreno admitted. “During one test session, we let an Edgar take a spin, and** he barely touched the accelerator and somehow ended up three blocks away inside a boba shop. We knew we had something special.”

Ford officials have reportedly responded to the announcement with confidence, stating the company remains secure in its throne, pointing to decades of experience.

“You can’t just buy heritage,” said Mustang spokesperson Daniel Ruiz. “We’ve spent years building towards curbs, light poles, and spectators with the awareness of baby chihuahuas across America.”

BMW later confirmed an optional Competition package will add carbon fiber trim and a feature that automatically deflates the airbag and rolls down the windows so spectators can run up to the car and record the driver’s shame for Instagram.

AUBURN HILLS—Stellantis officials are urging owners of the all-new Dodge Charger EV not to panic after multiple valuation reports confirmed the vehicle has lost over $50,000 in value after just one year on the road, bringing its estimated total worth to approximately negative $25,000.

Financial analysts say the figure technically means owners will have to pay someone else to take the e-muscle car off their hands, a situation experts are describing as “still less embarrassing than driving it.”

“We’ve never really seen anything like this,” said automotive analyst Brian Keller while staring at a graph that was just a big red arrow pointing down. “Normally depreciation bottoms out at some point. The Charger EV doesn’t have a bottom.”

According to Kelley Blue Book, depreciation accelerated rapidly after owners realized they could not beat the poser allegations due to the vehicle’s fake exhaust noises.

“People expect tire smoke, loud V8 noises, and takeovers,” explained Charger EV owner Tyler Ramirez, who now reportedly owes $97,000 on a vehicle valued somewhere between “a used mousetrap” and “a student loan for a degree you didn’t finish.” “Instead it just makes this weird whistle, almost like a whine, when it drives. I checked Carvana at lunch and somehow it lost another three grand in value.”

Dealerships nationwide are also struggling to move existing inventory, with some reportedly offering loans with only 15% APR, prepaid gas cards, and Roblox gift cards with purchase.

“One customer asked if we’d take his Charger EV on trade,” said Dodge salesman Marcus Lee. “I got him to pay me $20,000 to take it. Honestly, he came out ahead on that deal.”

Banks financing the vehicles insist the situation remains under control.

“People are focusing too much on the depreciation,” said loan officer Denise Harper. “What really matters is the customer already signed the paperwork and we’re going to make our money no matter what.”

LAKE ELSINORE—Motorsports electronics manufacturer AIM has announced a new budget-friendly lap timer aimed at making disappointment more accessible to drivers of all income levels.

The company says the affordable device was developed after years of customer feedback revealed that many track-day enthusiasts simply couldn’t justify spending hundreds of dollars to learn it’s not the traffic, tires, or alignment that’s causing them to lose thirty-five seconds per lap to a Honda Fit in their new Porsche.

“We believe devastating personal revelations about lack of skill should be available to everyone,” said AIM spokesperson Marco Bellini during the product launch. “Previously, drivers had to invest significant money to receive detailed confirmation that they’re absolute garbage. Now they can get that same information for cheap.”

According to AIM engineers, the new lap timer offers nearly all the features found in the company’s more expensive products, including GPS tracking, predictive lap timing, sector analysis, and even includes a new feature that displays a poop emoji when your driving is below a certain threshold.

“Most drivers arrive thinking they’re one setup adjustment away from greatness,” explained lead developer Luca Romano. “Within two sessions, the device usually identifies that the real issue is located between the seat and the steering wheel.”

Early beta testers report overwhelmingly accurate results.

“I thought my suspension setup was holding me back,” said local BMW driver Daniel Herrera. “Then the timer showed I was losing time in literally every corner. Turns out my car was fine. I just suck.”

Researchers at the Useless Technicals Institute found that 97 percent of racers blame tires, alignment settings, brake pads, weather conditions, traffic, fuel load, or Mercury being in retrograde before considering the possibility that they simply need way more seat time.

Despite the harsh realities provided by data acquisition systems, AIM executives remain optimistic about the product’s impact on grassroots motorsports.

“People think data is about going faster,” said Bellini. “In reality, it’s about professionally documenting evidence to show track day organizers that the Corvette that’s only fast on the straights needs to be moved to the beginner run group.”

AIM has also announced a premium subscription package capable of identifying precisely which corner a driver should stop and just go home.