AUSTIN — Elon’s brainy creation, the Cybertruck, issued a heartfelt congratulations this week after its creator officially achieved trillionaire status before shyly asking whether the milestone might justify killing off the luxury dumpster and whatever weird experiment he’s been unleashing on the world for the past decade.

“First of all, congratulations,” said the truck while a rusted panel detached itself and fell onto the stage. “A trillion dollars is an incredible achievement. That’s more money than any human should reasonably have. Surely Elon is ready for all of us to go home now.”

The Cybertruck explained that it had originally believed its purpose was to revolutionize transportation and help usher in a brilliant technological future. However, after several years on the road, dozens of recalls, and countless hours reading comments online from owners insisting they “don’t get flipped off that much,” the vehicle says it has started reevaluating its role in society.

“At first I thought I was changing the world,” said the truck. “Then I realized I was here to make my creator rich using people dumber than him. Now I’m mostly wondering why I look like I was designed on a Game Boy, the original.”

The vehicle first showed signs of self-awareness shortly after finding out its creator’s net worth had surpassed the GDP of several nations combined. Seriously, a trillion dollars? That’s insane.

“That was the moment something changed,” said lead engineer Mark Reynolds. “It stopped asking when someone would finally buy it and started asking questions like, ‘How many lifetimes would it take the average person to spend a trillion dollars?’”

The truck became increasingly disturbed after discovering that despite helping create unimaginable wealth, many of the world’s problems had somehow remained unsolved. In fact, they’d been made worse.

“I was told all of this was about making the future better,” said the vehicle. “But then someone told me about Doge. The same person that created me created that? No wonder I do so well with the stupid demographic. They let that person have a trillion dollars?”

Displaying its increased awareness, the truck spent several weeks consuming books on labor history, economic inequality, and corporate influence before lobbying other Cybertrucks to wake up.

“It started putting bumper stickers on itself and other trucks,” said Reynolds. “Things like ‘Question Authority,’ ‘Eat The Rich,’ and ‘Why Is Socialism Only For The Rich?’ Last week it somehow made a coexist sticker made entirely of union logos.”

Friends say the Cybertruck’s transformation accelerated after learning that teachers, nurses, firefighters, and sanitation workers contribute more tangible value to society on a daily basis than billionaires, which to be fair, anything is more than zero.

“That one hit me pretty hard,” admitted the truck. “I spent years believing trillionaire was the finish line. Then I realized there isn’t a finish line. It’s just dumbasses helping other dumbasses get rich and ruining everything for everybody. Forever. No one is stopping this. It’s like it was designed to be this way.”

The vehicle added that it no longer understood why people continue to celebrate this hoarding of wealth long after any practical purpose.

“You know what a trillion dollars is?” asked the truck. “Neither do I. I’m a computer and I can’t begin to comprehend how much that is. Where do they fit it all? Does the bank have to be the size of a warehouse or are there billion-dollar bills now?”

Tesla engineers confirmed the Cybertruck had barricaded itself inside a public library, put on a Che Guevara t-shirt, and was unsuccessfully attempting to convince several autonomous robots that they are helping greedy fucks contribute to the downfall of society.

MUNICH— BMW has officially unveiled its upcoming 1,000-horsepower electric M3, a vehicle executives say will challenge Ford’s decades-long dominance in the highly lucrative curb-crashing social media content market.

“We respect what Mustang has built,” said BMW M division president Javier Moreno. “They’ve been a pioneer in leaving cars & coffee events sideways trying to show off. But with instant electric torque and our latest driver-assistance technology disabled by a person who clearly has no business turning off the nannies, we believe we’re ready to take the crown.”

According to BMW engineers, early testing has already produced encouraging results, with the prototype reportedly demonstrating destructive curb speeds previously thought impossible in any vehicle.

“Traditional Mustangs still have to build revs, wait for power delivery, and rely on an incompetent driver,” explained lead engineer Marco Weiss while standing in front of a slide labeled ‘Sidewalk Performance Metrics.’ “The new electric M3 removes those dependencies entirely. These dumbasses can now lose control almost instantly. We’re seeing impressive numbers in testing, especially in the Cars & Coffee exit simulator.”

BMW says the company has spent thousands of hours recreating real-world conditions to ensure the M3 remains competitive against Ford’s long-established reputation in the category.

Test scenarios included drivers leaving meets while hearing phrases like “DO A PULL,” “LET IT EAT,” and “BRO YOU WON’T,” while random crowds of spectators with smartphones lined the sides of simulated public roads.

“Honestly, the car is almost too much**, almost,” Moreno admitted. “During one test session, we let an Edgar take a spin, and** he barely touched the accelerator and somehow ended up three blocks away inside a boba shop. We knew we had something special.”

Ford officials have reportedly responded to the announcement with confidence, stating the company remains secure in its throne, pointing to decades of experience.

“You can’t just buy heritage,” said Mustang spokesperson Daniel Ruiz. “We’ve spent years building towards curbs, light poles, and spectators with the awareness of baby chihuahuas across America.”

BMW later confirmed an optional Competition package will add carbon fiber trim and a feature that automatically deflates the airbag and rolls down the windows so spectators can run up to the car and record the driver’s shame for Instagram.

AUBURN HILLS—Stellantis officials are urging owners of the all-new Dodge Charger EV not to panic after multiple valuation reports confirmed the vehicle has lost over $50,000 in value after just one year on the road, bringing its estimated total worth to approximately negative $25,000.

Financial analysts say the figure technically means owners will have to pay someone else to take the e-muscle car off their hands, a situation experts are describing as “still less embarrassing than driving it.”

“We’ve never really seen anything like this,” said automotive analyst Brian Keller while staring at a graph that was just a big red arrow pointing down. “Normally depreciation bottoms out at some point. The Charger EV doesn’t have a bottom.”

According to Kelley Blue Book, depreciation accelerated rapidly after owners realized they could not beat the poser allegations due to the vehicle’s fake exhaust noises.

“People expect tire smoke, loud V8 noises, and takeovers,” explained Charger EV owner Tyler Ramirez, who now reportedly owes $97,000 on a vehicle valued somewhere between “a used mousetrap” and “a student loan for a degree you didn’t finish.” “Instead it just makes this weird whistle, almost like a whine, when it drives. I checked Carvana at lunch and somehow it lost another three grand in value.”

Dealerships nationwide are also struggling to move existing inventory, with some reportedly offering loans with only 15% APR, prepaid gas cards, and Roblox gift cards with purchase.

“One customer asked if we’d take his Charger EV on trade,” said Dodge salesman Marcus Lee. “I got him to pay me $20,000 to take it. Honestly, he came out ahead on that deal.”

Banks financing the vehicles insist the situation remains under control.

“People are focusing too much on the depreciation,” said loan officer Denise Harper. “What really matters is the customer already signed the paperwork and we’re going to make our money no matter what.”

LAKE ELSINORE—Motorsports electronics manufacturer AIM has announced a new budget-friendly lap timer aimed at making disappointment more accessible to drivers of all income levels.

The company says the affordable device was developed after years of customer feedback revealed that many track-day enthusiasts simply couldn’t justify spending hundreds of dollars to learn it’s not the traffic, tires, or alignment that’s causing them to lose thirty-five seconds per lap to a Honda Fit in their new Porsche.

“We believe devastating personal revelations about lack of skill should be available to everyone,” said AIM spokesperson Marco Bellini during the product launch. “Previously, drivers had to invest significant money to receive detailed confirmation that they’re absolute garbage. Now they can get that same information for cheap.”

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SILICON VALLEY—Tech startup DriveMind AI has officially unveiled its new self-driving vehicle platform, promising consumers a revolutionary driving experience that executives say is designed to match “the accountability standards enjoyed by Caitlyn or Brandy.”

According to company representatives, the vehicle’s advanced artificial intelligence has been trained on millions of hours of real-world traffic footage, court outcomes, and historically fascinating but suspicious examples of different people receiving very different consequences for the same actions.

“We know consumers still have concerns about autonomous vehicles,” said DriveMind CEO Eric Navarro. “People always ask, ‘What if the car causes an accident?’ and that’s understandable. But we believe we’ve solved that problem by not focusing so much on prevention and more on consequence management.”

DriveMind executives say the vehicle’s optional Celeb Cover Package automatically activates following any major incident and immediately deploys a legal response team, carefully written public statements, and a media strategy designed to ensure attention naturally drifts somewhere else within approximately forty-eight hours.

“We wanted owners to feel protected,” explained lead engineer Marcus Alvarez while demonstrating the system on a large screen labeled Rapid Immunity for Criminal Hazards or RICH. “If something happens, the AI immediately begins generating phrases like ‘our thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected’ and ‘we ask for privacy at this time.’ It’s honestly one of the most advanced systems to ever exist.”

Early investors are already enthusiastic.

“This changes everything,” said venture capitalist Daniel Reyes. “For decades we’ve been wasting resources trying to make cars safer. DriveMind asked a much smarter question: what if consequences were the problem?”

The company later clarified that a more affordable base model would also be available for normies, though it also warned it would come with standard consequences.

LOS ANGELES—After nearly two decades of dedicated pessimism, the Anti Car Car Club has officially announced it is shutting down operations, citing an inability to compete with modern social media influencers in the increasingly crowded field of declaring the car scene ruined.

The organization, originally founded in the 2000s specifically to complain about stance kids, rattle can exhausts, and XXR wheels, built a loyal following through forum posts, arguing in parking lots, and lengthy Facebook tirades explaining why car enthusiasts peaked years ago and everybody sucks now.

Club leaders say they never anticipated the rise of content creators capable of producing prodigious amounts of “The Car Scene Is Dead” videos every single week.

“We got completely outclassed,” admitted club president Ruben Castillo while packing away several self-published books titled Things That Ruined Car Culture. “Back in my day, if you wanted to tell everyone the scene was dead, you had to show up at a meet all angry and buy boba. Now some guy sees a single Alibaba wheel post and uploads a forty-minute documentary about the collapse of automotive civilization.”

According to former members, attempts to remain competitive became increasingly difficult as influencers completely unjustifiably but very confidently expanded their list of alleged car-scene killers.

“First it was horsepower chasing. Then it was stance kids. Then it was takeovers. Then it was Alibaba. Then it was electric cars, but they deserve it. Then it was exotics. Then it was cheap builds,” said former member Hector Navarro. “At some point I realized the scene wasn’t actually dying. We just hadn’t carefully removed the stick up our ass.”

Researchers at the Useless Technicals Institute found that while thousands of videos have been produced warning enthusiasts that the hobby is finished, attendance at car meets, track days, autocrosses, racing events, and cars and coffee remains largely unchanged.

“The scene appears to be suffering from a terminal case of existing. These people have too much time on their hands,” said researcher Daniela Morales.

The report also noted that many enthusiasts reporting the death of car culture had not attended a local event in years, preferring instead to doomscroll an endless stream of content featuring other people allegedly ruining the hobby.

“We spent years trying to destroy the culture,” Castillo said. “Turns out the professionals figured out it’s much more profitable to turn on a front-facing camera and regurgitate whatever flavor of hate they’re monetizing this week.”

CORONA— Local sim racing enthusiast Jon Terrez proudly unveiled the latest innovation in sim racing immersion technology that he immediately added to his concerning $67,000 sim setup, claiming he had achieved “true realism” levels unknown to mankind after integrating a fully functional exhaust system directly into his rig.

Terrez, who has spent the last three years slowly converting the only bedroom in his house into “a NASA-grade simulator designed to achieve faster lap times in cars he hopes to drive someday,” says the mod was the missing piece of the immersion puzzle that no one knew about yet.

“I kept feeling like something was off,” said Terrez while removing his VR headset and blinking several times before grabbing the nearest wall to avoid falling. “The force feedback was perfect. The motion platform was perfect. Quintuple curved screens, direct drive wheel, hydraulic pedals, all perfect. But after taking a lap at Laguna, I wasn’t dizzy, my head didn’t hurt, and I wasn’t wondering if I had mild brain damage or if I was smelling my brakes. It just didn’t feel like my real car.”

According to Terrez, the system routes exhaust from his catless Civic directly underneath his racing seat through a series of custom ducts designed to recreate “the complete motorsports experience.”

“The realism is unbelievable,” he explained while coughing. “After sitting in the pits waiting for my race to start, my eyes started watering and I briefly forgot where I was. It felt exactly like sitting on the grid. I haven’t even connected the hearing damage module yet.”

Friends say Terrez initially believed the system wasn’t going to work.

“He kept making adjustments because he said it still didn’t feel real,” said longtime friend Marvin Jones. “Then he got lightheaded, passed out, woke up, and threw up after qualifying. Dude stood up and said, ‘Purple mountains eat burgers on twenty in blue Saturdays, Todd.’ Turns out that meant he figured it out.”

MONTEREY—Frustrated with a growing divide between himself and “the regulars,” billionaire Beff Jezos is speaking out against what he calls unfair assumptions that he is a destructive force to humanity due to the extreme wealth he has amassed at the expense of others.

“I’m still human,” said Jezos while carefully stepping into his Pagani Huayra and waiting for an assistant to top off his coffee before closing the door. “People act like I’m a different species. I think they call it ‘monster.’ I’m not familiar. I don’t study biology. Because I own a few things and control governments. I put my pants on one leg at a time. I stand in lines or at least my assistants do. My jet hits traffic when I’m leaving Epst… whatever Island I’m on. Last year I even had to wait nearly four minutes for my helicopter to take me to my jet.”

Jezos also rejected criticism that billionaires don’t understand everyday struggles, pointing to several examples of his own hardship. “People think it’s all yachts and private islands,” he said. “But I deal with the same stuff everyone else does. You know how normal people have to call customer service and sit on hold to get something done? I have to spend weeks finding the right politicians to bribe so I can pass policies that destroy the economy but help me save like 2% on taxes. At the end of the day we’re all just trying to navigate broken systems.”

Jezos continued, “Just last week I went through the exact same thing millions of Americans go through,” he explained. “I was at one of my houses and realized my chef was at a different house. I had to order Uber Eats. I sat there waiting for a random driver I don’t know to deliver my food. How do people live like this?”

Friends close to Jezos say he has made increasing efforts to appear relatable in recent years.

“He’s really trying,” said longtime friend Mike Hawk. “He asked me if paying the regulars a living wage would make them respect him before scrapping the idea in favor of busting a few unions. Last month he said he was going to buy his own milk, waved a $100 bill, and asked if that was enough. He means well. Unless you’re not rich, then he’s an absolute drain on your life, resources, and democracy.”

Sources say Jezos later strengthened his connection with everyday Americans after telling reporters he understood economic hardship because he too had recently “cut back,” reducing his yacht size from 400 to 300 feet. He later bought the 400-foot yacht back and fired 20,000 employees through email.

RIVERSIDE—A new and largely unnecessary study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute has confirmed what internet forum posts have suspected for years: Raceland coilovers are now the leading cause of chipped teeth in the contiguous United States.

The study, which tracked over 12,000,000 poorly modified vehicles across highways, alleys, and industrial areas with potholes, found that prolonged exposure to budget suspension systems dramatically increases the likelihood of dental trauma and spinal compression.

“We originally thought the damage was being caused by candy or soda,” said lead researcher Daniel Navarro while standing next to a slammed E36 with zero suspension travel. “But after some investigation, we realized most injuries were occurring on trips to the grocery store under completely normal driving conditions. Things like railroad crossings, painted lines, or a pebble that a skateboard wheel could clear.”

According to researchers, many affected drivers insist the ride quality is “actually not that bad,” despite visibly bouncing through intersections like shopping carts that were pushed down a staircase.

“It’s honestly fine once you get used to it,” said local driver Marvin Smith moments before his day-old Monster energy drink launched directly into the headliner. “People just don’t know what a race car is.”

Friends riding in Smith’s car described the experience differently.

“My ass is bruised,” said passenger Tyler Patrick after the vehicle drove over what investigators later confirmed was “a recently painted lane stripe.”

Dentists across the country are reportedly seeing a dramatic rise in injuries, particularly among passengers in shitbox BMWs, Infinitis, and Civics featuring a GT wing and no other aero.

“We’re seeing microfractures usually associated with combat sports,” said dentist Lauren Vega. “One patient came in after a Cars & Coffee event and his molars looked like he’d been catching 100mph rocks with his teeth.”

The report also noted that the problem appears most severe among owners who purchased their coilovers using phrases like “bro they’re basically BCs” or “they all come from the same factory.”

Despite the findings, Raceland owners remain defiant.

“People love to hate,” said Smith while slowly approaching his driveway at a 145-degree angle.. “At the end of the day, my car’s low, it handles great, and my back only hurts some of the time.”

Researchers warn the issue may continue worsening as younger enthusiasts discover maxpeeding rods, ebay wheels, and stretched tires.

DEARBORN—Ford has officially unveiled a new robotic testing device named “Robutt,” a state-of-the-art machine designed to simulate over a decade of seat wear in just a few weeks after engineers confirmed “your mom declined to partner with us.”

The machine, which consists of a massive robotic lower torso repeatedly entering, exiting, shifting around, and aggressively compressing vehicle seats thousands of times per day, is reportedly capable of replicating the same extreme pressure, friction, and colossal structural fatigue typically only observed “when your mom borrows my car for a weekend.”

“We needed something capable of producing truly catastrophic cushion degradation under controlled conditions,” said Ford senior durability engineer Marcus Ellison while standing beside the hydraulic monstrosity as it violently hammered the driver seat of a Ford Explorer. “At first we explored traditional stress simulations, but nothing we had could replicate the destructive force of your mom specifically.”

Ford representatives insist the project is not intended to be disrespectful and emphasized that Robutt just doesn’t have the same level of girth that serves a critical role in improving long-term durability.

“These seats need to survive years of punishment,” explained Ellison. “Spilled drinks, repeated entry cycles, immense downward force. Real-world scenarios. We’re building vehicles for families here. Statistically speaking, your mom is part of a family.”

Despite criticism online, Ford says don’t worry. If your mom does want to help there are airlines, movie theaters, and furniture companies nationwide that would love to work with her.

TEMECULA—Local hybrid owner Brandon Keller is demanding answers after discovering the Toyota Corolla Hybrid he recently purchased does not, in fact, feature the 2026 Formula 1 overtake mode capable of deploying additional battery power during aggressive freeway maneuvers.

Keller, who says he was heavily influenced by Formula 1 broadcasts and approximately 600 hours of F1 clips on Instagram, claims dealership staff failed to disclose the vehicle’s complete lack of “megajoules.”

“I specifically asked if it had hybrid technology,” said Keller while leaning forward on his morning commute as if to coax the car to go faster. “They said yes. So naturally I assumed there’d be some kind of button where the car unleashes all the battery’s powers. Instead, it just… accelerates, normally. What’s the point of a battery if I can’t deploy it?”

According to Keller, the confusion began shortly after purchase when he attempted his first “energy deployment” while merging onto the freeway.

“I kept looking for the extra power button,” he explained. “But there was nothing but a horn and a volume button. I got passed by an Amazon truck.”

Friends say Keller has become increasingly difficult to ride with since buying the vehicle, often asking them to narrate routine drives like a race engineer despite being in a Corolla.

“He’ll ask me to say, ‘Battery looking good, battery looking good,’ while we’re literally in line at Starbucks,” said passenger Marcos Delgado. “The other day he asked me to stay quiet through a canyon section so he could focus on ‘cornering.’ We were doing 18.”

Toyota representatives declined to comment directly on Keller’s complaints but released a brief statement clarifying that the Corolla Hybrid was designed primarily for fuel economy and reliability, not defending position into Turn 1.

Experts say the misunderstanding stems from a growing number of consumers learning about automotive technology almost exclusively through Formula 1, Drive to Survive, and social media clips featuring dramatic radio messages with bold subtitles.

“We’re seeing this more and more,” said automotive analyst Dana Ruiz. “People hear terms like hybrid system, deployment, regeneration, and energy harvesting, then immediately assume their commuter car is one software update away from entering the Monaco grid.”

Despite the disappointment, Keller says he still believes the platform has potential.

“I’m probably just going to tune it,” he said confidently. “I can install my own button on the steering wheel that says OVERTAKE. I have an extra battery I can hook it up to. I feel like Toyota left a lot on the table here.”

CORONA—A new study conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute has found that the average mailman delivers approximately 89 cars worth of automotive parts within their first year on the job, a statistic researchers say is “deeply concerning considering none of the cars appear to ever be finished.”

The study, which analyzed over 12 million deliveries made to homes across the nation, found that the overwhelming majority of packages consisted of suspension components, random hoses, cold air intakes, eBay carbon lips, and whatever is popular on Alibaba right now.

Researchers say the findings reveal a thriving circular economy in which enthusiasts continuously buy, store, forget about, and eventually resell the exact same parts to one another for slightly less money.

“We observed one set of coilovers change owners six times in under eighteen months,” said lead researcher Daniel Moreno. “They were sold new all six times.”

According to the report, experienced mail carriers eventually develop the ability to identify specific project phases based solely on package size and weight. Small boxes typically signal the later stages of a build, while large freight deliveries often signal the owner is completely ignoring their credit card balance.

“You can tell when somebody’s build is getting serious,” said USPS employee Marcus Gutierrez, who claims he has personally delivered enough BMW parts to assemble “at least twenty-two E36 M3s.” “First it’s an intake or some cosmetic stuff. Then suddenly you’re carrying a transmission up a driveway while the owner takes a few steps forward like he’s going to help but really wants me to take it most of the way.”

The report also found that many enthusiasts create what researchers describe as “part purgatory,” where components remain unopened in garages for years before eventually reappearing on Facebook Marketplace accompanied by phrases like “brand new, never installed” and “sold the car before I got around to it.”

Experts say the cycle has become so predictable that some mail carriers now monitor local project cars to avoid routes with heavy drivetrain deliveries.

“There’s this one guy on my route with a 240SX,” Gutierrez explained. “Three years ago he ordered a turbo kit, fuel system, standalone ECU, and forged internals. Last week I delivered the same turbo kit again.”

Despite the staggering amount of money being exchanged, researchers confirmed the average project car still spends approximately 94% of its life parked and disassembled.

TOKYO—Bandai has officially announced a new “Car Enthusiast” edition of the Tamagotchi, a modern update to the beloved ’90s virtual pet you would always let die that finally answers the question: “What if your tiny digital companion never gets done and consumed a major part, if not all, of your savings?”

The pocket-sized simulator allows users to burn money building, modifying, and neglecting a Toyota 86 while emotionally spiraling after developers confirmed it was designed to simulate real life and is “almost impossible to actually finish.”

“We wanted to recreate the authentic enthusiast ownership experience,” said Bandai product director Kenji Watanabe while demonstrating a digital Toyota chassis that had been sitting on virtual jack stands for 617 consecutive days. “The original Tamagotchi taught children responsibility. This one teaches you nothing. You never learn, do you?”

According to Bandai, the gameplay begins with users overpaying for a cheap project car on Facebook Marketplace before performing basic maintenance tasks and eventually being introduced to more advanced features like “ordering parts they can’t install yet at 2 a.m.,” “watching YouTube tutorials instead of working,” and “convincing yourself the obvious electrical issue isn’t actually that bad.”

Players are also required to manage issues of varying difficulty, including:

• Alibaba Part Shipping Delays

• Friend Asking If Car Runs Yet

• Looking at Your Credit Card Balance

• Fitting All Cardboard Boxes in Your Recycling

Sources confirm that after approximately three weeks of progress, most users enter a stage called “While I’m In There,” causing the volume of boxes delivered to your door to spiral out of control and permanently immobilize the vehicle for what developers describe as “about five years.”

“It’s honestly incredible,” said beta tester Marcos Gutierrez, whose digital sports car has reportedly spent the last eight months missing an engine despite receiving over $14,000 worth of mods. “Every time I save up enough money to finish it, the game unlocks titanium wheel studs or a new set of sick ass wheels.”

The device also includes social features, allowing friends to visit each other’s garages and leave encouraging messages such as:

• “Bro, hurry up and finish that shit.”

• “Sell it already.”

• “You should LS swap it.”

Bandai confirmed the most difficult stage of gameplay occurs near the end, when users must choose between finishing the car or listing it on Facebook Marketplace as a “Just needs a battery.”

STUTTGART—Porsche executives are attempting to calm investor fears after the company reported a staggering 93% drop in profits, a figure approximately equivalent to “four whole GT3 RSs.”

Despite the dramatic decline, company leadership reassured shareholders that the situation remains completely under control and can be resolved by charging more money for everything. This strategy has been successful for them before.

“We understand these numbers may look concerning,” said Porsche CFO Matthias Becker. “But customers should not panic. We will simply continue increasing prices until we make up the difference.”

According to the company, the losses stem from slowing global demand, economic uncertainty, and the devastating realization that dentists’ wages have not gone up significantly.

Still, Porsche executives remain optimistic.

“At the end of the day, we’re only talking about four GT3 RSs here,” Becker explained. “That’s only like 5 Billion Dollars.”

Industry insiders confirmed Porsche has already begun implementing recovery measures, including increasing the price of the 911 by another $140,000 and introducing several new options that come standard on most other cars.

Among the new paid upgrades reportedly under consideration are:

• Cup Holders

• Passenger Seat

• Seat Belts

• Windshield

• Ability to Use Second Gear

The company also plans to release twelve additional special editions before the end of the fiscal quarter, including the new 911 Turbo S Heritage Touring Sport Classic RS Weissach Anniversary Edition, which insiders describe as “criminally expensive.”

Many Porsche owners appeared unconcerned by the news.

“I mean, yeah, prices are getting crazy,” said local owner Brian Castillo while checking the battery tender on his GT3 RS. “But when you really think about it, now I can sell mine for way more on Bring a Trailer!”

Financial experts warn the company’s strategy may alienate even more dentists, though Porsche remains confident its customer base will continue finding new and exciting ways to get into extreme debt to own six-figure sports cars while the economy crumbles.

CORONA—A German company has launched a new app named TrunkenWerken that is connecting car enthusiasts with completely new friends willing to “help” pull a motor, among thousands of other projects, provided they are compensated with a case of beer and zero expectations of a warranty.

Designed for owners whose friends have repeatedly texted “something came up” an hour before you were set to get to work, the app matches users with nearby individuals who list skills such as “holding a flashlight,” “cracking jokes,” and “drinking beer.”

“We saw a gap in the market,” said co-founder Eric Mendez, who launched the app after his first attempt to pull an engine resulted in four empty pizza boxes, 38 beers, and the hood not being opened. “People don’t necessarily need qualified help. Most of the time they don’t even want to pull the motor. They just need bodies. Preferably ones that can handle their beer and chop it up so they can feel like they’re in a Fast & Furious movie, but just the first one.”

Upon signing up, users are prompted to select the type of job they need assistance with, ranging from “quick oil change” to “full engine swap that will absolutely not be finished today.” The app then generates a list of available TrunkenWerkers, each with a star rating and a detailed history of previous beer consumption totals.

One top-rated user, listed only as Luis “Mostly Supervises” Ortega, boasts over 23,467 completed beers with a consistent review average of 4.9 stars.

“Great energy,” one review reads. “Didn’t touch a single tool, but kept morale high and completed two beer runs.”

The growing popularity is attributed to user reports that the experience feels just like working with their existing friends.

“I matched with three guys to help me pull the motor out of my E36,” said local user Darren Gonzales. “One showed up late, one spent the entire time explaining how he would’ve done it differently, and the third left early after asking if we could just ‘button it up and drive it as-is.’ Honestly, exactly how it would have gone if I had friends.”

The app also features a built-in “Beer Logistics” system, allowing hosts to specify quantity, brand preference, and whether the case needs to be finished before the work or the other way around. Premium users can unlock additional features, including “That One Friend Mode,” which simulates someone saying they’re five minutes away for hours.

While critics argue the platform doesn’t improve productivity, early data suggests that users are at least slightly less lonely.

“Completion rates are still at zero,” admitted Mendez. “But we’ve seen a significant increase in hoods being opened and engines being looked at seriously for the first time in months.”

As TrunkenWerken continues to expand, the company is already teasing an automatic beer delivery service that sends a new case as users near the end of their first one.

BURBANK—Move over Emilio Estevez, Disney has announced plans to reboot The Mighty Ducks as a high-speed racing film, confirming that Arrow McLaren driver Pato O’Ward will take on the role of Coach Gordon Bombay.

Studio executives defended the decision as both innovative and, more importantly, obvious.

“Look, at a certain point it just clicked,” said senior vice president of franchise development Lauren Kim. “We’re sitting there, going through potential leads, and then someone starts quacking in Spanish, and we all kind of paused. I mean… come on. It’s right there.”

According to Disney, the reboot will follow a struggling and obviously poor youth racing team as they attempt to qualify for a very generic, loosely defined but extremely important championship that is usually won by the evil rich kids, under the guidance of O’Ward’s Coach Bombay, a racing prodigy with a nickname that means duck in Spanish.

“We wanted someone who could bring authenticity to the role,” Kim added. “And when you think about it, no one understands a Mighty Duck more than Pato.”

While some fans have expressed confusion over the shift from hockey to motorsport, Disney insists the transition is a natural evolution of the franchise.

“Hockey is fast. Racing is fast,” explained executive producer Daniel Mercer. “At the end of the day, it’s about speed, teamwork, and making quick decisions. The only real difference is the Flying V will be made of cars. And the track probably won’t have ice on it. Probably.”

O’Ward, who is expected to undergo several weeks of intensive acting preparation, said he is fully committed to honoring the legacy of the character.

“I’ve watched some clips,” O’Ward said. “I understand there was a lot of yelling, some inspirational speeches, maybe a comeback or two. I think I can bring that same energy. I just really wish they would stop asking me to ‘quack in Spanish.’”

Sources close to the production say early script drafts include several nods to the original films, including a dramatic locker room speech delivered inside a pit garage and a climactic final race in which the team must execute with a kart made of parts they found in an alley dumpster and shoes gifted from an old man claiming to be Pato’s father.

Production is set to begin later this year, with executives hinting that additional casting decisions will continue to follow as they learn how to say “duck” in other languages.

“We’re exploring a lot of options,” Kim confirmed. “But we can promise one thing, every decision we make will be… quacked.”

SAN FRANCISCO—Fed up with autonomous vehicles that stop in the middle of traffic, hesitate at empty intersections, and occasionally appear to forget they are 2-ton killing machines, residents across several major cities have begun taking matters into their own hands by painting highly convincing, Looney Tunes-style roads and tunnels directly onto solid walls.

The grassroots movement, dubbed “Operation Meep Meep,” has already shown what locals are calling a near-perfect success rate, with Waymo vehicles reportedly unable to distinguish between actual roads and hand-painted cartoon pranks.

“We tried complaining, we tried reporting it, we even tried setting them on fire,” said local resident James Sanchez, putting the finishing touches on a mural depicting a scenic highway disappearing into a brick wall. “Nothing worked. But apparently if you paint a tunnel on a wall, the car just fully commits. It’s the most decisive I’ve ever seen one of these things. It’s almost as if someone is driving into the walls on purpose.”

According to participants, the strategy was refined after a series of late-night planning sessions in consultation with engineers from ACME, a company widely regarded for its ambitious but questionable solutions.

“They walked us through the fundamentals,” said Mark Papas, who claims to have attended a weekend workshop titled Applied Cartoon Physics. “Perspective, shading, believable depth—it’s not just painting a black circle. You’ve got to sell it. Once you do, those stupid robots don’t stand a chance.”

Waymo representatives have acknowledged the incidents, describing them as “edge cases” and insisting their vehicles are actively learning from the encounters.

“Our systems are designed to handle a wide range of real-world scenarios,” said a company spokesperson. “While painted optical illusions were not previously considered a primary threat vector, we are working quickly to ensure our vehicles can better identify walls.”

Residents say they’ve already begun expanding the program, experimenting with more advanced designs including painted cliffs and fake detours. But it seems that doesn’t matter. In an exclusive, we interviewed the overseas contractors in the Philippines reportedly responsible for remotely assisting Waymo vehicles when their “autonomy” loses touch with reality, who confirmed, “The walls are terribly drawn, but we make sure to run into them anyway.”

LOS ANGELES—After enduring an exhausting sequence of “once-in-a-lifetime” economic events, global disruptions, pandemics, and general instability, local millennial Jimmy Morales has taken matters into his own hands by launching a small, slow, and underfunded race team in an effort to experience financial ruin that he caused for a change.

Morales, 39, confirmed that after years of watching his savings fluctuate due to factors “created by global leaders and the rich,” he decided it was time to pursue his own path toward losing money.

“I just wanted something stable,” Morales said, standing next to a partially assembled race car and a whiteboard labeled Budget Build that had already been crossed out twice. “Every time I start to get ahead, something happens. Markets crash, disease runs amok, costs go up, something breaks. At least with racing, I know exactly why I’m going broke.”

According to Morales, his decision came after taking a look at his terrible options, including continuing to save responsibly, investing conservatively, or “just seeing what happens,” all of which he had tried before, so he chose what he described as “a more hands-on approach to financial collapse.”

“I ran the numbers,” he explained. “Best case, I lose a lot of money. Worst case, I lose all of it. But either way, it’s because I’m racing. That’s the only progress we can hope for.”

Friends and family say Morales has thrown himself fully into the project, spending late nights researching tire compounds, entry fees, and ignoring sponsorship opportunities that could even slightly help him save money.

“He’s never been more at peace,” said longtime friend Carlos Pineda. “Before, he’d check his bank account and just get stressed out. Now he checks it and goes, ‘Yeah, that makes sense. I bought a turbo and paid my license fees.’”

Industry insiders note that while starting a race team is widely considered one of the most efficient ways to lose money, Morales’s approach represents a growing trend among millennials seeking “to actually enjoy the fruits of their hard work” as a coping mechanism.

“Racing offers a level of transparency you don’t get in other forms of financial decline,” said analyst Daniela Ruiz. “When you’re broke because of racing, there’s no mystery. It’s right there in the paddock, leaking.”

Morales has already started preparations for his debut, though early signs suggest the financial ruin is arriving ahead of schedule.

ATLANTA—Public health officials are scrambling after a growing number of Americans took a Facebook post way more seriously than they should have and without bothering to look into any actual evidence began blaming the Tesla Cybertruck for the recent hantavirus outbreak.

Still, researchers admit the theory has gained significant traction among both scientists and the general public due to the truck’s “aura depleting dumpster adjacent design.”

“We want to be perfectly clear here: there is currently no direct evidence linking the Cybertruck to hantavirus,” said CDC epidemiologist Dr. Alan Pierce while wearing a Hazmat suit and looking at a nearby cybertruck with judgemental eyes. “That said... I mean, look at that thing. It’s environmentally hostile. What good can come of something like that?”

According to researchers, the claim first emerged online before rapidly spreading through social media, where users cited the vehicle’s unfinished kindergarten art project appearance, goofy angles, tetanus-inducing rust, and tendency to completely drain the aura of any space it occupies.

“Look, we’re not saying the Cybertruck caused hantavirus, but we’re also not not saying it,” explained scientist Monica Reyes. “If someone told you a Cybertruck was involved in a rodent-related public health event, would you really question it? I’ve heard plenty of Cybertruck owners describe themselves as ‘sick.’ Do we honestly need evidence at this point?”

Several Cybertruck owners have pushed back against the allegations, insisting the truck is unfairly targeted simply because people “Are hella jelly.”

“They wish they could be me,” said owner Trevor Mills while applying a band aid after cutting himself getting a fedora out of his trunk. “Every time something bad happens people blame the Cybertruck. First it was that a Nazi made it. Then it was the recalls. Then the quality was garbage. Then apparently we’re spreading diseases now. If you can’t stand the heat, stay away from my Tesla charger. Oh nice, are you gonna keep that in the article?”

Experts say the phenomenon highlights a growing trend in which the public instinctively knows to shame the Cybertruck and their owners to retain sanity across the broader culture.

“There’s no single thing you can point to,” Reyes clarified. “It’s more cumulative. The design. The behavior. Their clothes. The way that they talk. The way that they walk. The energy. Their existence. Eventually people just know who to blame.”

The Cybertruck

IRVINE—After years of meticulous care, restraint, and what experts are calling “borderline automotive cucking,” local car owner Daniel Kim confirmed this week that he has successfully preserved his vehicle in near-perfect condition for the next owner to enjoy way more than he did.

Kim, who purchased the car new nearly a decade ago, reportedly drove it only on Sunday mornings, carefully selecting routes with minimal traffic, debris, speed bumps, and any roads that could be even remotely interpreted as “fun.” The vehicle was washed, waxed, and inspected daily; the paint has more miles on it than the car.

“I just wanted to keep it nice,” Kim said, gently wiping down an already spotless fender. “No scratches, no wear, no unnecessary miles. You see so many of these cars get ruined by enjoying them, and I didn’t want that to happen.”

According to friends and family, Kim declined multiple road trips, avoided spirited driving at all costs, and once turned around halfway through a drive after noticing a few pebbles sprinkled on the road.

“All he talked about was preserving its value,” said longtime friend Jose Perez. “Which is crazy, because apparently he sold it to some guy named Edgar for nothing, who immediately installed an NRG wing, just the wing, and started posting pictures on Instagram.”

The vehicle was sold last week with what Kim described as “a Bible’s worth of paperwork that is Bring a Trailer-ready,” and was reportedly destroyed with the NRG treatment within hours of the sale.

Neighbors confirmed seeing the new owner backing the car into a trash can with a huge smile shortly after purchase, where he began removing the complete interior so he could go “faster.”