GARDEN GROVE—After years of his car sitting on jack stands, countless late nights overtorquing bolts, and hundreds of cardboard shipping boxes, Gustavo Carilla has announced in his group chat that his car is now ready to drive.

“I hit everyone up and asked them where the next cruise is at,” said a clearly giddy Carilla. “They made a few suggestions, but they were far as hell. They wanted to go to Angeles Crest. That’s like 45 miles away from me. They’re insane. We’re going to the Best Buy parking lot. Don’t get me wrong, the car is perfectly reliable, but why risk it? But yes, I do have AAA. Who’s asking? I only got it ‘cause there was a deal on Premium.”

The friend group is split down the middle, with half happy to go to Best Buy and the other half frustrated because they have gained confidence in their cars over the years and can now do 80 miles.

“We’re happy his car is running. I just wish he could stretch past 30 miles,” said friend James Villa. “It’s cool, though. We meet up at Best Buy, and then the rest of us head another 50 miles to another location before coming back.”

We asked all the members of the group chat what happens when they go beyond their seemingly arbitrary 30- and 80-mile limits, and they all pulled out their AAA membership cards at the same time.

It’s a good thing they live in a very dense city full of things to see and places to go.

And they have the distinct advantage of likely being completely unbothered by an ankle monitor.

CORONA—The Germans’ disdain for cupholders in the ‘90s has left many interiors milky, wet, and stained, but its impact clearly extends beyond ruined interiors. It’s now confirmed that it’s ruined friendships. Local man Edgardo Gutierrez has started a movement after denouncing his friendship with Don Pevez due to being used as a cupholder every time they go anywhere in his E36. Passengers of ‘90s German sports cars everywhere are elevating themselves from cupholder status into valuable humans again.

“He was always hitting me up to go cruise, to go eat, to go run errands. I thought he just really liked me, but then I noticed a pattern,” said Gutierrez as he put aloe vera on what appeared to be recently burned fingers. “He always asked me to hold his drink. Every time, I’d ask why he doesn’t just use the cupholders, and he’d shrug and say, ‘C’mon, it’s an old German car.’ I can’t believe it took me so long to see it. For years, I was a… cupholder.”

The Autobahn was meant to be driven fast, and drivers wanting to drive while drinking a Monster Energy drink are not fast, at least that’s what German engineers believed in the ‘90s. The Monster drivers are still slow, but now engineers have evolved beyond their prejudice and reluctantly included somewhat functional cupholders. However, these automotive relics of the past are still being maintained in garages with oil-ridden floors, ruining relationships one drive at a time.

“I don’t go anywhere with my husband anymore,” said Tina Sanchez while trying to warm up her visibly cold hands. “He always orders the same Frappuccino before we go anywhere, and guess who has to hold it? Me. He doesn’t even ask anymore. You’d think a Porsche that expensive would have at least one cupholder, but I guess they thought they included one by including a passenger seat?”

It’s now been 30 years since the Germans went to war with the cupholder, and it appears they have since lost. But the lasting effects of their decisions will clearly extend well beyond those 30 years.

Friendships are lost and marriages are strained. Next, you’ll hear enthusiasts are selling their cars because they have nowhere to put their McFlurry.

Or worse, they are driving and shifting with one hand.

Nobody can do that, especially the ones that say they can.

NEW YORK—Turns out the economy is doing fantastic. The only difference now is that you just have to plan for purchases previous generations used to make impulsively on a whim.

Over the last few decades, the 529 has made it possible for millions of people to go to college, and why not use the same system for other life milestones that are now out of reach? Section 420 Code 69 of the Internal Revenue Code allows you to save for major life events like not going hungry, and financial experts are recommending you use it to save for purchases previous generations used to make on minimum wage, like buying a house, a TV, having a child, and going out to eat once a month.

This includes the infamous midlife crisis. Increasingly younger generations are resorting to midlife crisis activities like staying at home because it’s cheaper. Well, they could have it all if they just saved for 45 straight years, invested every month, and hoped for 8% growth in the stock market.

“The midlife crisis is as American as destabilizing developing countries. Americans should not give up on that dream,” stated financial advisor Jordan Curret. “With a little foresight by parents, their children might not be able to have homes, good jobs, or raises that outpace inflation, but they can save for 45 years and put a down payment on a Corvette when they are tired of living in midlife.”

Some parents have started their child’s midlife crisis funds instead of college funds based on their expectations of the future.

“It’s all over. I mean, AI already took my job, and these data centers won’t let me sleep. My child has no chance. They aren’t going to make any money,” said new father Pedro Infantino while he got ready for his night shift at Olive Garden. “I need two jobs to keep up. At this rate, they will probably need eight. Why not let them drive to those eight jobs in style?”

With tariffs driving prices out of reach, wars driving fuel out of reach, wages being outpaced by inflation, layoffs increasing, and the healthcare system bankrupting us, one might think that the economy, and in turn your situation, is bad. But it’s not. It’s a matter of perspective.

If you just work until you die and save for 40 years at a time, you can almost have anything you want.

Kind of.

AUSTIN—The US Grand Prix carries all the usual strict rules of a Formula 1 race, with just one more, the legal drinking age is 21, and that might have changed the course of Formula 1 history forever.

Kimi Antonelli was set, by a small margin, to become the youngest Formula 1 World Champion in history until he was informed that he would only have sparkling water available to celebrate because he’s 20 years old.

“What do you mean? I’ve been drinking for years! Two of those legally!” said the future world champion with the always-recognizable Italian pinched hands. “So if I win here, what? You’re going to make me go eat pizza at Chuck E. Cheese?”

In order to clinch, Kimi needed a win and for Russell to finish ninth and Hamilton to finish fifth. Since Kimi has admitted it’s impossible for him to avoid winning, he asked Russell and Hamilton to finish one place ahead of those targets, just to be safe.

They did exactly that.

“He told me that if I finished eighth, he would teach me how he drives the Mercedes,” said the now clearly second driver, George Russell. “I don’t need him to teach me. I could have finished first, but I want to do something nice for the kid. You know I’m like his mentor, right?”

Hamilton declined to comment as he was looking for Jeremy Clarkson after he made comments about his girlfriend.

Now Kimi heads into the Mexican Grand Prix only needing to finish ninth or higher to clinch the World Drivers’ Championship.

Which means that now, in order to become the youngest world champion in F1 history,

he can party before, during, and after the race.

Drink responsibly.

AUSTIN—Kimi Antonelli could become the youngest Formula 1 World Champion in history this weekend, but he’ll need a few things to go his way. One of those things is a terrible finish by his newly cowboy-kitted teammate, George Russell. But this ain’t Russell’s first rodeo, despite appearing like it’s the first time he’s ever worn a bolo tie.

“What in tarnation? What kinda asinine question is that?” said Russell, now speaking with a uniquely half-British, half-forced-Texan accent. “I will finish where I finish. I’m still the number one driver this side of the Mississippi. They can take my championship, but they’ll never take my guns! Wait, no, hold on. I ain’t fixin’ to let some whippersnapper take my championship.”

We asked Team Principal Toto Wolff to weigh in on the strategy for this weekend, considering Russell’s reluctance to help Antonelli win.

“Who’s George? Oh yeah... the other driver,” said Wolff. “Well, Kimi is a great driver, you know, and he deserves the championship. The other driver will follow team orders, but we let him say whatever he wants. It keeps him happy.”

As we head into the weekend, there’s excitement in the air over the possibility of crowning a new champion. Well, except for the air around Russell. That’s mostly hot.

Kimi, meanwhile, seems like his usual relaxed self. We tried catching up with him before the race to see whether he felt supported by his cowboy counterpart, but he was busy washing his car.

Everything is bigger in Texas, especially George Russell but only after he puts on his…

Lucchese boots.

TURIN—The biggest reason you don’t see more Fiats on the road today is that drivers didn’t buy them. A problem that has eluded Fiat, and now Stellantis, for years. The 500, the 124, and... well, that’s about it. Still, Stellantis refuses to let the brand die. They let the 124 die, but they aren’t letting the 500 die. They’re just getting rid of the driv…

Read more

HAWTHORNE—After watching the new Tesla Roadster perform flashy thrusting, and knowing these probably won’t even be available in 2040, local man Peter Rodriguez took it upon himself to bring kickflips, and eventually 360 flips, to the masses. Using ChatGPT, Rodriguez reverse-engineered Elon’s thrusts and developed a $399 DIY kit that allows anyone to thrust in public in any car.

“So many movies said we would have flying cars by now, and now someone finally does it, but they make it ‘invite only’? That’s ridiculous,” said Rodriguez while actively tinkering in his garage. “I’m not waiting, and neither is anyone else with 400 dollars. With my kit, you can be flying by lunchtime. Just make sure you tell me what kind of car you have.”

“ChatGPT told me it was dangerous at first, but then I told it to do it anyway, and it gave me the instructions,” explained Rodriguez. He says compatibility with most cars has been verified after asking ChatGPT if it would work and it said yes.

Consumer analyst Franco Lom says Rodriguez has approximately a decade before he needs to start worrying about Tesla taking him out of business. Current projections put Rodriguez’s total earnings at approximately $3 trillion over that period.

“It’s a tiny window of opportunity,” said Lom. “With Elon promising a release in 2028, there’s a very real possibility that Rodriguez only has another 20 years before Tesla becomes a direct competitor. He needs to capitalize on this now.”

We reached out to Tesla for comment but were only able to get in touch with a man who kept groaning into the phone, almost as if he were on ketamine. He eventually mumbled something about DOGE before hanging up.

The technology is already taking the world by storm, with sales through the roof and Rodriguez’s home garage struggling to keep up with orders. It seems like Tesla is in for a rude awakening.

“This could be the difference between building a billion-dollar company and a trillion-dollar company,” Lom explained. “It’s important Tesla follows through on its commitments and deposits. Three trillion dollars sounds like a lot of money.”

Whatever happens, let’s hope it’s enough for Elon.

VIENNA—The father of psychoanalysis claims the public is being sold snake oil, arguing that autonomous self-driving cars are impossible because they lack the psychological structures that comprise the self. Engineers have completely forgotten about the id, ego, and superego. Without those, you’re just left with a driving car. That’s literally just a reg…

Read more

MCGREGOR—Customers who put down deposits in 2017 finally got to see Tesla unveil what their money got them, a Roadster that does kickflips over other Teslas but won’t be available to buy until 2028 or 2029 or 2030 or 2031, one of those. SpaceX got tired of trying to get to Mars, so they strapped rockets to the decade-delayed Roadster and started doing flips in hopes of satisfying early depositors and potentially generating some new ones.

“Deposit this, delays that, you guys need to get over it. Look at this thing, it does kickflips!” said an excited Musk, but in like a ketamine-excited kind of way. “We can recreate that scene from Men in Black! We are pushing the boundaries of what can be done with a car when people give you a bunch of money just for making promises.”

The demonstration showed a Roadster flying over a Cybertruck, Cybercab, Semi, Model Y, and Model 3 using thrusters developed by SpaceX. It also performed an aerial flip by driving up a curved ramp, inverting in the air, and using its thrusters to land, almost as if teasing that Rocket League would happen in real life before we got GTA7.

Musk tried everything he could to perform the demonstration with a human in the car but changed his mind once he was told he’s the only human the insurance company would allow to take the first drive. Flight? No, drive. Maybe flight.

Tesla claims that when it’s on the ground, the Roadster is good for a 0–60 mph of 0.81 seconds, a top speed exceeding 230 mph, and a range of 300 miles. It will come in Performance, Thrust, and invitation-only Rocket options, demonstrating the company’s ability to develop innovative technology while also proving the truest fact of all.

This guy will say anything for another round of deposits.

Anything but deliver the damn cars.

WASHINGTON D.C.—As agents continue to swarm peaceful family communities doing no harm to anyone, the agency has been focused on making it easier for boots to hit the ground. It has chosen to improve its vehicles with a standard-issue steering wheel meant to improve steering feel, reduce driver fatigue, and better reflect the values at the center of its continuously escalating efforts.

“We’ve spent millions of dollars developing this carbon-composite steering wheel to help our agents operate more efficiently,” said Director David Ventella. “Every time we go somewhere, people get upset for some reason, so we needed to improve our agents’ ability to ignore the Constitution safely.”

The new steering wheel features a lightweight four-spoke design, weighs just two ounces, and includes deep white grooves at each quadrant to promote faster handling during aggressive acceleration towards and from people on foot. ICE described the space-grade component as one of the most aerodynamic steering wheels they’ve ever felt in a rental SUV.

Read more

SINGAPORE—A collision between teammates Norris and Piastri at the Singapore Grand Prix this weekend has led to strategic changes in the McLaren garage. The team has officially documented, in bold and underlined text, the previously unwritten rule that drivers should not hit each other in order to optimize their finishing positions.

McLaren stumbled upon this revolutionary idea while attempting to figure out how to prevent Norris and Piastri from going at each other in the media.

“We had to come up with a solution. These guys were fighting in the media, and we had to solve it quickly,” said team principal Andrea Stella. “When things get challenging, we go back to the trusted basics, Papaya Rules. That’s when we realized we’d never actually told them they couldn’t hit each other. The solution was right in front of us the whole time. Just tell them not to hit each other and make it part of the rules! We might actually win this thing now.”

Norris initially stated that he had a big gap and went for it because it was within his right to do so. However, immediately following the Papaya Rules update, Norris found himself stating that he should never have attempted the move in the first place. McLaren’s strategy seems to be working not only in the future but in the past as well.

We asked Piastri for his thoughts, and a visibly frustrated Piastri simply stated, “It was a Sprint race.”

Stella continued to communicate the rule changes to the rest of the crew, informing them that they were also not allowed to run into each other in the paddock. No one is allowed to run into each other. In a car, on a scooter, walking, running, crawling. NO COLLISIONS. He believes McLaren has finally found its winning strategy.

“Everyone thinks about the drivers, but what about material damages? We have to get these cars in working order,” said Stella as Zak Brown stared him down menacingly. “If everyone in the garage is running into each other, how are they supposed to fix the car? If the PR team runs into each other, how are they supposed to spin our failures? No one running into each other means nothing but success going forward! Right, Zak? You agree, yeah?”

It’s unclear if the updated Papaya Rules can secure a championship for the McLaren team, but we ran the numbers.

It turns out that a car that hasn’t been crashed is significantly more competitive than one that has. However, it’s still too early to determine whether this strategy will work.

HOLLYWOOD—The Autobots and Decepticons have found common ground in a common enemy, Subprime, the Cybertruck Transformer looking to break into Hollywood.

The latest Transformers movie has been canceled after Autobots and Decepticons alike walked off set, refusing to share the screen with the waste-bin-paneled robot.

“He’s not even from Cybertron. I think he’s from Mars,” said Megatron. “He’s constantly posting edgelord crap on X, he never follows through on his timelines, he wants to install things called Neuralinks in our brains, and he’s always doing this weird thing where he throws his arm straight out and then laughs awkwardly. He just sucks to be around.”

Subprime has reportedly used his billionaire father’s fortune to try to break into the creative arts, but so far with very little success.

He was rejected by nearly every medium before discovering that a movie about giant alien robots disguised as cars might finally be where he belongs.

Podcasts rejected him. Magazines rejected him. Cartoons, books, comic books, music, and even country music rejected him.

“I’ve never been good at making friends,” said Subprime with sad words but no detectable sadness, or really any emotion at all. “It might be because I look like a poorly molded silver bar, or because I share some early-1900s German values. I don’t know. It just hasn’t worked out for me.”

Subprime said the only humans who seem to genuinely enjoy spending time with him belong to a group he is still trying to understand.

“The people who like me most seem to be the lowest-value members of your society,” said Subprime. “You call them ‘d-bags.’ I have not yet determined what this means, but they wear wraparound sunglasses and call themselves the warrior class. I heard one say he paid $18K for Alpha training. What does that mean?”

With the Transformers reboot now canceled, Subprime is reportedly considering having his father finance a new version of the franchise specifically starring him.

There is just one condition.

Every Transformer has to be a Tesla.

Unfortunately, that means production cannot begin until Subprime’s Roadster sibling is finally released.

Based on the experience of customers who put down deposits years ago, production is currently scheduled for...

Sometime in the future.

Maybe.

Probably never.

LOS ANGELES—Extreme fuel costs across the country have impacted meaningful infrastructure, raised the cost of living for millions, and cost thousands their jobs, and the Fast & Furious star no longer wants to be associated with the nation’s most expensive fuel.

“It was time,” said Vin Diesel as he set the switch on his flex-fuel device to E85. “When I decided to become Vin Diesel, diesel was cheaper than regular gas. But wars and a mismanaged economy have led me to make the devastating but easy announcement that I am now Vin E85. Some say it’s corny, but I think it’s financial intelligence. Even regular intelligence.”

The already extreme and continuously rising fuel costs have also impacted the next installment of Fast, with all real cars being replaced by CGI. Literally no one will be driving a real car.

Han will not be allowed to eat snacks on screen.

The entire movie will be filmed on one street.

There will also be no craft services. All crew and actors are expected to bring and provide their own meals and drinks.

Some have reportedly heard “Pockets are empty, cuh” being whispered around the set.

Vin E85 claims the name change will help keep the movie on budget.

“Nothing will prevent me from making this movie. I like money way too much,” said Vin E85, formerly Diesel. “Not a failing economy, not wars, not a lack of housing, not rising costs, and definitely not an extreme increase in the fuel that serves as a significant backbone of our nation’s economy. Changing my name is a no-brainer. People want to see this movie. What else do they have left?”

As costs show no signs of slowing down, it’s inspiring to see people make a real effort to address the problem plaguing the country’s citizens.

But if things continue as they are, will we see a Vin EV?

Probably.

At this rate?

Definitely.

SEPANG—The dramatic and disordered Bahrain/Malaysian Grand Prix was full of surprises, but none more surprising than 10-time DNF, five-time lapped driver Lance Stroll finishing his first full race of the 2026 season.

The achievement was especially surprising to his own team, which had not budgeted for any celebration supplies and immediately began scrambling to find ribbon poppers, confetti, some old candles, or anything else they could use to mark this historic day for the Stroll Sr.-funded seat.

“How were we supposed to know this could happen?” said Crew Chief Curtis Stones as he searched drawers for anything that resembled an award. “This guy is finishing full races now. What’s next? Top-10 finishes? We might have to rethink our entire budget strategy here.”

Verstappen might have won the race, but Lance Stroll’s smile would have made you believe he won, and in a way, he did.

He won.

He finished.

The full thing.

P12.

How many people do you know who have finished a full Formula 1 race? Verstappen takes it for granted. He doesn’t do it for the love of the game like Stroll does.

“I just want to thank my team, my sponsors, my Starbucks barista Jeff, my iRacing team, and my daddy for making this possible,” said Stroll with the demeanor of an excited golden retriever. “The only thing that would have made it better is if they had been ready for my victory. I had to GrubHub some champagne, but in about 35 minutes it’s going to pop off.”

The team was eventually able to find a used birthday candle, shredded documents to use as confetti, and a plastic karting trophy belonging to one of the crew members’ kids, who had actually beaten Stroll to win it.

It’s unclear what Fernando Alonso’s opinion on all this is, but he doesn’t care. He’s just living his best life.

Stroll, on the other hand, is just doing the best he can.

MUNICH—BMW has officially unveiled its 8th-generation 3 Series to critical reception on social media, with some describing the front as looking like a bald man who just sucked on a lemon and even going as far as describing the rear as a cat that is mid-sneeze. It’s clear that BMW’s controversial styling has made no fans of keyboard warriors, but BMW seems unfazed.

“This generation’s attractiveness was designed to increase directly proportional to the income of our buyers,” said BMW spokesperson Jürgen Kreditwürdig with a look that indicated he’s never used a turn signal. “I can promise you it looks way more attractive once you’re able to afford it. Also, once you buy it, you don’t even need to look at it from the outside.”

We consulted social media data analyst Julio Miranda to explain the phenomenon that BMW is alluding to.

“We analyzed hundreds of profiles and ran them across Flock databases and discovered that users who described the G50 as ‘hideous’ had an average credit score of 412.” It was also observed that they are able to express their disappointment with the G50 at such a high volume, and the reality is that it was facilitated by their primary mode of transport: the bus. Public transportation has allowed them to think of and type things like, “Ok, I’m done with BMW. I’m a free agent now. Can anyone recommend a better brand?”

While you might think that someone riding the bus might be interested in the release of a new mode of personal transport, believe it or not, it is actually much easier to hate on the new G50 from behind the yellow line of a 40-foot people mover. A fact that is obviously not lost on the German automotive manufacturer, who is clearly unbothered in matters of design.

“Look, we make cars for drivers, drivers with money, but drivers, and if you’re a driver, you will see the beauty in our ugly car,” said the now-frustrated Kreditwürdig. “0–60 in 3.9 seconds, 437 horsepower, and Drift Moment, but you’re worried about what it looks like? People with money don’t look at price tags and definitely not exteriors. If you want something closer to what we used to design, go buy one of those from Facebook Marketplace.”

It’s clear BMW learned from their adventure with the G80 M3 and will force-feed their customers a design whether they like it or not, and like a well-oiled machine, the customers will buy it and make BMW a ton of cash, completely justifying their decision and rendering all the comments and memes powerless.

You know what’s not powerless? The new G50.

IRVINE—A local Orange County shop is revolutionizing automotive repair by applying information technology principles to the tax-subsidized appliances now dominating our public roads. Local man Roberto Rodriguez is leading the way with techniques he developed working behind a cubicle and occasionally in databases. With organizations like Tesla running their operations like failing software companies, it was only a matter of time before these discoveries were made and exploited.

“I used to make mid six figures solving major IT problems for some of the biggest companies,” said the surprisingly clean Rodriguez. “All I did all day was watch anime and occasionally turn computers on and off. It worked every time. Once I decided to start my own business, I realized what the logical next step would be, EVs. Those owners are idiots and the cars are just computers on wheels. What could go wrong?”

Rodriguez opened his shop four months ago and since then has repaired hundreds of cars. Luckily for him, the quality control on these things is atrocious, so business has been boomin’. He is able to repair 200 cars per hour using his technique of turning them off and on again but does admit that occasionally he has to unplug them and keep them off for a few seconds for the repair to take, which prevents him from hitting those 200 every hour. He charges a diagnostic & repair fee of $189 per vehicle. In an eight-hour day he clears $266,000, with the occasional three-second unplugging procedure severely cutting into his earning potential. He still drives a Porsche GT3 RS to his shop daily.

With EVs being the future of human road travel, it’s clear Rodriguez is going to be rich beyond comprehension, assuming private equity doesn’t buy EV.ID10T and ruin it for everyone first.

“I don’t know why I’m the only one doing this, but I have started a course to certify people to do the same thing. There are just so many shitty electric cars that I can’t keep up,” said Rodriguez as he wiped his sweat with a $100 bill. “The course is just the IT training guide from my last company, but I added the name of my company, EV.ID10T LLC. If it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for them.”

Consumers are confused why electric car manufacturers have not started adopting these practices instead of making them buy new batteries or a whole new car. We decided to ask CEOs of all the major electric vehicle manufacturers why they had not adopted IT techniques to their cars, and they all had the same answer.

“We fired that department.”

HOUSTON—In an effort to revolutionize the speedy, corner-cutting oil change industry, Jiffy Lube asked ChatGPT what they should do, and the answer was right in front of their faces the whole time, upgraded impact guns and oil filter attachments. In the year of our god, any of them, 2026, who still uses their hands?

“One day I woke up from a nap in a creaky office chair and realized our lube techs are wasting so much time using their hands,” said Jiffy Lube Assistant to the Regional Efficiency Manager Max Thork. “Drain plugs, oil filters, panel screws. If it screws in, we should impact it.”

Jiffy Lube’s new Max Impact Track technology completes an entire oil change, start to finish, without the technician setting one finger on the car or letting the impact wrench down. The amount of time saved actually generated physical dollar signs in the eyes of the company’s private equity owners, which is the only reason they allowed giving technicians new tools.

Local lube technician Cisco Suarez expressed excitement once realizing they would be able to do many more oil changes for the same hourly pay that hasn’t been changed in two years.

“I was already cranking on the drain plugs and filters with impact guns. We weren’t supposed to do that?” said Suarez in anger. “This was my idea! Who’s going to pay me? I knew I shouldn’t have said shit to Max.”

While it appears that some of these practices were already taking place, this nationwide rollout will ensure that all technicians are following the same process and using the same tools, guaranteeing what all customers have been looking for, an oil change done in a jiffy.

And an oil filter that will never come off.

LONG BEACH—Local man Don Verez thought he’d save some money and perform his own alignment before his next track day. What he thought was a simple mechanism of cheap conduit, string, and 3D-printed clamps quickly turned into a nightmare that lasted for days. The fact that he’s alive is a miracle recognized by anyone who knows his level of intelligence.

“It looked so easy on YouTube,” said the now-free Verez, with indentations from the strings still visible on his oil-stained skin. “I bought a string alignment kit, put it together, set up the strings, and next thing I knew I was trapped in a web of my own making. I readjusted my toe four times trying to get free, but not the one you think.”

Verez spent days in his garage just lying there, somehow bound in the strings that were meant to prepare his race car. He called out for someone to help, but everyone was too distracted to notice.

“I did think I heard someone yelling at some point, but I was watching this reel of a dog bringing a guy a beer,” said his roommate Carl Valens. “Can you believe that? Did you know you could train a dog to do that?”

Law enforcement was shocked no one discovered the trapped Verez, considering he was just 20 feet away from most of his roommates. Then they interviewed each of them and realized it made a lot of sense.

“I noticed he wasn’t cussing or opening beers anymore, and that’s not like him,” said another roommate, Cris Curie. “Then we noticed no one had taken out the trash, and that’s Don’s job. He forgot the last two weeks too. So we called the cops on him.”

The roommates’ obvious and genuine concern spared Verez’s life, allowing him to race another day, but one has to wonder whether he will complete the alignment or just take it to the track with a shitty setup.

One thing Verez says is for sure, he will not be paying someone to do the alignment for him because he already bought the kit.

That would be a waste of time.

SAN FRANCISCO—Ride share company Guber made the unsurprising decision to replace all its drivers with self-driving cars this past weekend, in a move expected to save millions in labor costs that customers will absolutely not benefit from. The move is part of a growing trend of robots replacing all the labor so that eventually robots are the only ones making any money, which is perfect timing because it is becoming too expensive for anyone to exist.

“The technology is finally here and we must take advantage,” said Guber CEO Iggy Norant. “With a full fleet of self-driving cars everywhere, you will no longer have to deal with awkward conversations, surprise detours, or safety. The only real cost is a dwindling consumer economy caused by a compounding and incessant need to not pay the workforce anything, which is something we are willing to sacrifice to provide our remaining customers with great service!”

As fast-food chains, software companies, and now rideshare companies continue replacing their workforce with sustainable and ethical alternatives like artificial intelligence and robots funded through government programs using taxpayer money, many are beginning to wonder: Who the hell has money to pay for this crap?

“This is difficult, but if the robots need the money more than me, I understand,” said ex-Guber driver Roberto Peña, with visible disappointment in his eyes. “I personally don’t believe the robot’s family is more deserving than mine, but Guber does, and that has to mean something, right?”

On the surface, it appears the drawbacks of this decision outweigh the benefits, but critics are missing one key group. The elite billionaire class.

They still have money.

“If we replace enough workers with robots, eventually the only people left who can afford our services will be the people who own the robots,” said Norant. “And luckily, those are the only customers we really care about.”

Industry analysts say funneling resources at exponential rates toward the hardest-working geniuses in society will allow them to procreate and make more little billionaires, who can then continue mankind’s progress toward new frontiers.

Beyond Mars.

Beyond Uranus.

Beyond their anuses.

Beyond the universe itself.

Critics have gone on and on with concerns about exploitative labor practices, so executives provided automation that finally solves that problem by creating a workforce they can exploit indefinitely without complaints, bathroom breaks, health insurance, 401ks, or families to drag them down.

Wealth preservation experts dismissed concerns that AI robots could one day revolt, stating that humanity has never produced any movies, books, television shows, or video games warning about exactly that. At least none they have seen.

It’s difficult to say whether the impact of these decisions will be catastrophic or totally catastrophic, but what’s certain is that it’s already too expensive for regular people anyway, so companies are prepared to forget about them and focus on innovative technologies that can increase the number of trillionaires in the world.

Because if billionaires have gotten us this far, imagine how good things will be once we have trillionaires.

SAN FRANCISCO—Smashed pizzas, spilled drinks, deconstructed burgers, and car-floor fries might become a thing of the past thanks to Uber’s new immaculate delivery program, which will deliver your food without damage using its talented team of Speed Stars. Not my choice. That’s what they call them.

The program has been in development for a few years now after an underpaid driver was caught watching anime while picking up new fares to make his meager existence more tolerable. Executives noticed a man who goes by the name Takumi effortlessly delivering tofu in a car whose technology is closer to a Flintstones vehicle than anything cars are equipped with today.

“Look, people want cheap, fast, reliable delivery, and it turns out with a little training we can provide the fast and reliable part,” said Uber Executive James Tolleson. “For some reason they don’t think so, but we pay these drivers so much money I think it’s time we get our money’s worth.”

The path to becoming a Speed Star for the taxi giant isn’t an easy one. You have to be certified as the fastest down a mountain while carrying tofu with a full cup of water in the car. It can be any mountain, but you have to be the fastest.

In our research, we found thousands of individuals who legitimately believe they’re fast because they go cruising in the mountains. This program has served as a reality check that they should probably invest in some track time.

“Our Uber Speed Stars are the fastest and smoothest drivers in your area,” said the now-emboldened executive. “If they cause any perceptible damage to your food, they will be relegated to regular deliveries before being given to Lyft to exploit whatever labor remains.”

It’s unclear how well this program will do considering the clear legal violations being encouraged by it, but if it means receiving your fountain drink without soda all over the lid, it’s possible law enforcement might just hold out its hand and wait for Uber to put some money in it.

For now, we wait for our first Touge Delivery and show Takumi what has become of his Initial D fame.

When asked how quickly deliveries would arrive, Uber refused to give a set timeframe, stating simply:

“Faster than anyone else can.”