MADRID—Lando Norris has potentially put an enormous hole in the wallets of his sponsors after committing the greatest sin in all of sports: drinking something because you want it and not because it’s making you money. The World Champion seems to have let his winning status make him forget that his own desires aren’t important enough to come before profits.

Lando Norris finished third at the Spanish Grand Prix and, in the cooldown room after the race, decided to boldly reach for the world-famous beverage instead of a bottle of water made to look like his special-edition Monster. Someone off-screen, looking only to protect the pockets of their rich CEO, advised Norris against this, to which Norris replied, “I just did a race. So I’m allowed to drink what I would like. Thank you so much.” His politeness somehow adding further to the loss in profits.

“That one drink means my boss won’t be able to get a support yacht for his main yacht,” said the off-camera objector under anonymity due to fear of being fired for failing to take away Norris’ can of Coke. “But there’s no getting through to them. They are divas and have no idea how their actions impact greater society. If we are prevented from lining our pockets, then how are we supposed to make trickle-down economics work?”

Other drivers have started to see Norris’ actions as a sort of protest, joining in to start a movement and rebel against the corporate oppressors that help pay their millionaire salaries. Lance Stroll has been seen drinking Capri Suns in the paddock. Unfortunately, due to a lack of victories or impressive driving, cameras aren’t really capturing him and profits remain unaffected.

It’s unclear how many hundreds of dollars these CEOs have lost because a driver decided to have himself a post-race treat, but if this trend continues, it’s possible Formula 1’s valuation as a whole could collapse from multi-billion dollars to slightly less multi-billion dollars.

MONZA—Kimi Antonelli came from 19th on the grid to become the first Italian to win a home Grand Prix since Scarfiotti in 1966, but Antonelli didn’t find glory in that. Where he did find glory was on the podium when he was handed the trophy dubbed “Fragile” and immediately started carb-loading for the next race with a healthy serving of the national dish, spaghetti.

“I don’t know how I feel about coming back from 19th. Stop asking me that,” said Antonelli mid-fork-twirl. “Have you seen this trophy? Why didn’t anyone tell me these bowls existed? I’ve been eating from regular bowls this whole time, this exists, and no one told me? I will replace every single pasta bowl I own with these.”

Toto Wolff, upset by the all-you-can-eat spaghetti clause he included in Antonelli’s contract, advised the youngster to keep his eye on the prize, but Antonelli quickly retorted by pointing at the trophy as if to say, “Exactly, this is the prize.” Wolff then snuck away to smile proudly out of Russell’s sight so he wouldn’t know he’s not the favorite.

Noticing Antonelli’s excitement, Russell, who finished second, offered to help Antonelli’s replacement pursuits and give him his second-place trophy. Unfortunately, Antonelli declined to take him up on his offer because his trophy is too small and doesn’t quite fit the portions of spaghetti he’s looking to consume.

It’s unclear if Antonelli is looking to replace his pasta bowls by winning Monza once a year for the next decade or if he’s going to pay to have new trophies made, but one thing is for certain: when you come back from 19th, you get to do whatever you want, and also Russell is the new Bottas.

LOS ANGELES—Double-digit arrests were made and hundreds of parents’ cars were impounded when the Los Angeles Police Department completed “Operation Street Sweeper” overnight, busting not one, not two, not three, but four street takeovers.

A fleet of tow trucks descended on the rowdy Los Angeles intersections, leaving the AAA roadside service wait time at approximately eight hours and moving more straight pipe than Stephan, JaAAck Stephan. The tow trucks had to route cars to a higher quantity of impound lots than usual due to lots having a limit on Infinitis they are willing to accept because they are “tired of dealing with all the broccoli heads.”

The LAPD used drones they use to track their exes to track down the takeover events instead of using Instagram like the rest of us and arrived with buses to transport the suspects directly to jail. The use of buses allowed law enforcement to clear the area faster and help the suspects transition into their future mode of transportation. It was reported that seven firearms were recovered as part of the sting, but we are still waiting on reports on how many were lost by officers.

One unintended consequence of the operation is hundreds of parents lost their jobs the next morning after not having cars to get to work.

“I didn’t realize this idiot was taking my car until it wasn’t there this morning,” said Carlos Patino, a now-unemployed father. “I should have known. I’ve replaced tires eight times this year. He probably stole the cats himself too. I didn’t think I was capable of spawning negative IQ. I’m sorry.”

The LAPD has confirmed that the removal of Infinitis from the road recently has resulted in 96% safer streets, with the remaining 4% achievable through targeted operations on Altimas, Chargers, and Camaros. While it took long enough, the LAPD is finally targeting the real problem instead of us car enthusiasts, but it’s only a matter of time before they come back after realizing the suspects they arrested at these takeovers can’t actually afford the citations.

HAWTHORNE—A local funeral home is revolutionizing the death industry by focusing on car enthusiasts and allowing them to finally take their beloved project car out for one last drive. The funeral home offers tiered options that will take your project car off jack stands, put you in the driver’s seat, and even install that turbo you never got to so you can stu-stu-stu-stu in the afterlife.

“They always say, ‘You can’t take it with you’ to motivate you to finish the car, but now you don’t have to finish it,” said Lead Car Enthusiast Embalmer James Fitzpatrick. “Because with us, you actually can take it with you.”

The funeral home offers a basic option where employees will simply take your car off jack stands and conduct the ceremony with it as-is. The stainless steel package completes the project car for you, puts you in the driver’s seat, and takes you through a short parade before finishing at the cemetery.

For enthusiasts unwilling to compromise, the coveted titanium package completes the project car, installs every part you failed to install, adds remote controls, and takes you through a gymkhana-style funeral procession before the car explodes in an enormous ball of fire. Your ashes are then sent to your family inside a 1:5-scale replica of the car.

Authorities warn that grave robbers have already begun aggressively pursuing an exclusive deal with Bring a Trailer to sell cars they plan on acquiring by completely legal means.

Bring a Trailer denied any relationship with the grave robbers, stating that it has no control over how listed vehicles are acquired. However, our reporters could clearly hear several people in the background discussing reserve prices and asking whether the deceased was buried with service records.

It’s hard to say whether the new service will take off, but early demand has reportedly been fast and furious, but several customers have requested their funerals be postponed because they’re almost positive they are going to finish the car this weekend.

NEW YORK—Over a decade after the last one, GTA VI has finally dropped an extended gameplay look with more details on what you can expect when it releases on November 19th of this year. One of the biggest additions, the blinker, promises to improve the player experience by adding another layer of realism while driving between, or during, crimes in the American underworld. That is, as long as you’re not driving a BMW.

This action-adventure classic took over a decade to make due to developers’ attempts to solve one problem: the BMW turn signal.

“When we added the turn signal to the game we all lost our minds, but the intern noticed that the BMW blinkers didn’t work. We figured it was an easy fix, but we had no idea we were battling 110 years of history,” said lead engineer Mark Gutierrez. “No matter what we did, the blinkers wouldn’t work. There were forces actively fighting us, but we couldn’t figure out what it was.”

The developers had no idea what they were up against. BMW drivers are notorious for treating their cars as if they have blinker deletes. The gas pedal takes care of lane changes after all. The stereotype had grown powerful enough to resist Rockstar’s attempts to code blinkers into the BMWs.

“We went through hundreds of engineers and every QA team found the same problem,” said Gutierrez. “It didn’t change no matter what we did. Well, it did change once, but it was a pop-and-burble tune that we didn’t even add.”

Despite Tesla drivers taking over the Worst Humans on the Road award, BMW’s reputation is clearly going strong. Its impact on the universe can now be felt inside GTA VI, and maybe you’ll think twice before making fun of how long the game took to release.

Rockstar confirmed it has stopped trying to fix the issue, saying any more rounds of development could push the game into the 2060s.

NORCO—The Useless Technicals Institute has dropped its latest findings, and it’s not good for BMW enthusiast homeowners. When selling their homes, they can expect to make much less than their car-enthusiast counterparts, and the reason made everyone go, “Yeah, that makes sense.”

A four-year study followed homeowners who also owned BMWs during that same four-year span, and analysts were initially extremely confused by the findings. Across the nation, BMW owners made 26% less on a home sale on average, with some states getting as high as 33%. There was no clear reason for these findings until the analysts started visiting the homes and saw their driveways.

“We initially thought most BMW owners had black asphalt driveways,” said lead analyst Jaime Cordon. “We were wrong. It was regular concrete and about three barrels of oil.”

Once the problem was discovered, a potential solution was implemented. Hired guns, AKA power washers. This is when the realization of the scale became obvious. It was impossible to power wash every BMW driveway. The demand significantly outweighed the nation’s supply of power washers.

“Our business is exclusively BMW owners,” said Powerwash LLC CEO Steve Bustamante. “We do our best to make sure our customers get top dollar for their homes, but there aren’t enough hours in the day to complete all their driveways. Our waitlist goes out fourteen months. All Bimmerheads.”

The gap in home sale prices did decrease after the power-washing solution was implemented, but even with the solution, the national average only came down to 13%. For home buyers who are handy with a power washer, this is still great news, but for BMW owners, it can mean no longer going to Erewhon.

Companies have started to catch on. A local vinyl-wrapping company has started to market PPF for your driveway that you can remove once you move out. Another company is selling a Leak Defendor, which consists of a cardboard box you place under your BMW to preserve the industrial grey of your driveway. The organic cardboard version is $399.99, with a carbon-fiber version for $799.

There are options for BMW owners, but it does seem like the best option is to no longer be a BMW owner.

ONTARIO—A local cars and coffee might need to look for something else to do from 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. one Sunday a month after failing to appease one of society’s most elite: the Lamborghini owner. The poorly written 1.5-page document suing the automotive event cites “Rudeness,” “Do you know who I am?” and “More than you can afford, pal” as major reasons for the driver’s hurt feelings.

“Can you believe they wouldn’t give me the spot in front of the coffee shop?” asked James Taylor, a Lambo owner who wouldn’t let our reporters talk. “You show them how much better you are than them by arriving in a Lambo while wearing a Rolex, and it’s like they don’t even know what it’s worth. How do they even know who belongs in the front if they don’t know what these cars cost? I shouldn’t have to explain how important I am. That’s why I bought the Lambo.”

The local cars and coffee event is defending itself, stating that the driver arrived 10 minutes before the event was over and that organizers tried everything to accommodate the supercar before realizing they were out of options. “We tried kicking out all the Hondas and BMWs, but James wanted extra space to make sure no one scratched it. Ultimately, the only option was to send him to the overflow lot, but he was furious. We offered to hold his Lamborghini jacket, hat, and purse while he went to park, but he threw his double espresso at us in disgust.”

It’s unclear how frivolous this suit actually is, but the local cars and coffee organizers are clearly worried that other supercar owners won’t come spend $7 on a regular coffee. Taylor is hell-bent on ensuring that the status he’s carved out for himself in society remains at an elite level. He didn’t luck out and make a bunch of money to then buy a gaudy supercar just to be treated like a normie. His words.

We will provide more updates as developments happen, or we won’t. Who cares about Lambos and Cars & Coffee anyway?

WASHINGTON D.C.- The inaugural Freedom 250 Grand Prix marked one of the most important events in American history at a scale not experienced since the White House had a bunch of dudes in their underwear beat each other off an octagon. The problems that plague this country are no match for the greatest antidote of all: doing whatever you can to appease your fearless leader and praising the totally metaphorical and in no way actual merciful king, so we’re all too distracted to do anything about those problems. The event’s importance only increased after the president signed an executive order declaring himself the winner of the historic event.

“The executive order wasn’t necessary. It’s just something I have to do as the president,” said the president, completely unaware that executive orders don’t cover races. “I took a single lap and won the whole thing. It was unbelievable. Everyone had shocked looks on their faces. They had never seen anything as amazing as me.”

Once the actual race finished, Kyle Kirkwood was initially declared the winner, but immediately following the president’s declaration, Roger Penske looked at his MAGA hat proudly and issued a statement.

“Kyle Kirkwood is dead to us. He’s not even that good. The president won the event by a mile. Sure it wasn’t in an IndyCar but he doesn’t fit it one. That’s not his fault. This event is dedicated to Trum… I mean our country. Of course the president would win,” wrote the fangirling Penske. “People like to believe you can’t win a Grand Prix in one lap, but the reality is they aren’t the greatest president in the history of America. Sure, you get wars, a tanking economy, and cyclospora, but you also get to witness a president beat a full grid of race car drivers.”

Suspiciously, no one is challenging the victory. It’s almost as if they fear retaliation or somehow have a bunch of money tied to the president’s relationship with IndyCar. Who knows? Who cares! The president won the Grand Prix and might have a shot at winning the whole championship if he decides to declare that as well.

Would you rather have your president golfing or racing? I mean, it’s an easy answer, and those are the only two choices you get.

MANHATTAN BEACH—Local Accord owner James Tran is red with rage and taking to social media after NSX meet organizers told him his import-tuner Honda Accord was “welcome to join,” but then directed him to an overflow lot. Tran contends his taillights are so similar to theirs that he should be allowed to park near the NSX lineup. Doesn’t even have to be right next to them, but, like, close.

“I’ve owned an NSX since 1991, and everything was great right up until 1998,” said event organizer Samuel Ventura while checking Bring a Trailer for NSX sale prices. “Go take a look at some of our old videos on YouTube. You still see a random Accord ruining the whole video. Somebody said their taillights look like NSX lights, and all of a sudden we’re twins. I paid way more for my shitty Honda than they did. We just can’t stand for it anymore.”

They have definitely started to take a stand. Event organizers have hired armed security that has started to make quick work of removing those pesky Honda Accords. Some organizers have gone as far as hiring a tow truck to remain on-site to remove any cars that OEMs decided to put NSX parts on. There’s a clear civil war brewing in the Honda community resembling David versus Goliath, and I don’t need to remind you who won that. It was David. With a rock.

Meanwhile, in the Accord community, Tran is being hailed as a hero.

“Finally someone is sticking it to those rich assholes,” said r/Accord Reddit mod James McAlister. “If Honda didn’t want us to have car meets together, why would they make the taillights soooo similar? If you’re far enough away, they are basically the same car.”

James Tran is considering legal measures to combat the rise of NSX meets that happen without 1998–2002 Honda Accords. Draft court documents include “The lights are basically the same,” “My last name is stitched on the headrest, that should count for something,” “You know Acura and Honda are same same,” and “Would neon lights help?”

Today, the NSX car meet entry point seems to start at about $100,000, but a judge could send shockwaves across only that very specific and niche community by allowing it to be about $2,000. Fair market value for a 1998 Honda Accord Coupe. It’s up to the courts to decide and potentially change the course of history for anyone who likes Hondas and has a little money saved up.

GARDENA—In what seems like wizardry not seen since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, a crescent wrench has vaporized into thin air after the owner used it on a 10mm bolt since he had already lost track of all his 10mm sockets. Automotive tool experts are baffled by the transitive properties that have come to light on the elusive metric size, and further analysis only unveiled more shocking results.

“666 isn’t the number of the beast. 10mm is,” said Useless Technicals Institute’s biggest tool—expert. “We’ve discovered that if you want something to disappear, you find a way to size it to 10mm. We are carefully analyzing a variety of materials to determine whether they vaporize or end up in a dimension we aren’t aware of.”

This all started with local Gardena man Ivan Delgado, who was approximately eight hours into a thirty-minute job when he discovered all his tool kits were missing their 10mm sockets. He dug through every tool drawer and could only find a crescent wrench. He set it to the size of the bolt, tightened it, but before he could pick it back up to tighten the next bolt, the adjustable wrench was nowhere to be found.

“I was almost done. I was so happy I didn’t have to go buy more tools. I really thought I was in the home stretch. I swear this proves we’re in the Matrix,” said Ivan, now in utter disbelief. “I set the wrench down, looked away, and it was just gone. A simulation is the only explanation. Or gnomes. Those gnomes are sneaky as hell.”

The Useless Technicals Institute went on to spend $60 million testing monkey wrenches, crescent wrenches, AN wrenches, and even sockets made of wood in an attempt to finally identify where in the world they are going. The mystery remains unsolved, and all scientists involved in the research have now disappeared, with some speculating the scientists and the 10mm tools are currently somewhere in the Backrooms.

We reached out to Kane Parsons for confirmation, and he responded with a single cryptic line:

“What are you talking about?”

The mystery continues.

MONTEREY—Dollars are traveling to Monterey Car Week at full throttle in top gear, with a 1996 McLaren F1 GTR around $35 million, a 1964 Shelby Cobra Daytona Coupe shooting above $25 million, and a 1963 Corvette Grand Sport landing around $11–13 million. Monterey approached $500 million in revenue, but the surprise underdog has left everyone else in the dust. They have protected and served their way onto the top of the leaderboard one extremely serious violation at a time. None other than Monterey PD. To the tune of $62 million. And that was by Friday night.

Enthusiasts, driven by the event’s increased popularity with influencers (the elite of our society) have arrived in Monterey in droves, bringing with them a multitude of extremely dangerous violations like pop-and-burble tunes, not installing front license plates, cat-back exhausts, and driving cooler cars than them. Someone had to stop these criminals, and local law enforcement assumed the role of heroes, taking the number one spot in the process.

“We just wanted to ensure everyone’s safety and had no plans to make any money. It’s not like we have quotas. You asked about quotas, right?” said Police Chief James Anderson as he stopped another car for too much PPF. “We had zero intention to make any money. Like, at all. It just kind of happened. We don’t even know what money is.”

Car enthusiasts have a different interpretation.

“This is all a cash grab. How are you going to have a car week and hate all the cars?” said Sam Elliot, a proud owner of an 8-owner Toyota Supra that was suspiciously connected to a laptop.

We caught up with a couple supercar owners and asked for their thoughts on the matter.

“Really? They made that much money? We haven’t even noticed them,” said supercar owner Leandro Capicelli. “They’ve been nothing but kind to us. One gave me a ride to the local steakhouse because I was hungry.”

It could mean the future of Monterey Car Week happens without cars, but at least our heroic cops get to serve suspensions with pay instead of without. That’s just criminal.

DETROIT—Ford’s announcement of a 4-door Mustang has been met with great reception from people that don’t know coupes are cooler, and in the process, financial analysts have concluded that more doors equals more dollars. This is how the 10-door Mustang was born, and Ford is diving head first into the deep end by making GT and Dark Horse variants available.

“We announced the 4-door after our CEO was trying to be funny by putting our cars through AI image services and sending them in Teams messages,” said an overworked and underpaid engineer. “I didn’t want to have to go through the trouble of developing the stupid thing before people shit on it, so we leaked the news with the image. We had no idea people would want it. Like, why? I don’t have time for this.”

Ford quickly realized they might be sitting on a gold mine. The financial team was quick to seek to capitalize on the buzz. “We added two doors, and they kept telling us to shut up and take their money, so logically that means if we add eight more doors, they will throw even more money at us! It makes complete sense.”

The Mustang has outlived the Camaro and continues to humiliate it by selling EV versions that don’t look like it and now achieving more success by just adding more doors. Maybe it has to do with Camaros being the official cars of takeovers while Mustangs are completely harmless unless you’re a curb. The Mustang has survived countless bad decisions and has now demonstrated it is even immune to mutating doors.

The day we lose the Mustang will be a dark day in automotive history, but with this release, Ford has assured that day won’t come in our lifetime. How could it? The Mustang continues to enter new markets, and from the looks of it, the party bus market is in trouble.

LITTLE TOKYO—A bald Southern California man known locally as Dom is experiencing automotive culture shock as he attempts to pursue his passion in the island country. He left everything behind, his mortgage, his store, his team and their bullshit, and moved across the globe in pursuit of freedom in 10 seconds or less, but what he discovered just wasn’t mathing.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time. So that’s what I was expecting, but they kept saying 400, 400, 400, and that just doesn’t make any sense. They are calling the race before the real finish line,” said Dom, with bags under his eyes indicating he hadn’t slept in weeks. “I spray painted a line at the quarter mile mark, but they keep calling the race beforehand and just saying zero-yen, zero-yen. I don’t know what to do.”

This problem isn’t unique to Dom, as it is obvious to the rest of the world that while Americans measure distance in miles, Japan has elected to use kilometers to tie into their global measurement system, which makes way more sense than anything we do here. Unfortunately for Dom, the differences don’t stop there.

“All the cars here are run to shit. I’m going to have to import used cars if I don’t want a car with 200,000 miles. How do they even drive that much?” said Dom, now in complete disbelief. “Also, why do they call miles kms? Must mean killer miles cause of all the miles they put on these cars. I can’t believe we used to overnight parts from this place.”

Dom had nearly given up on life in the land of the rising sun until he discovered their inches are smaller than the ones he was used to back home. He got another 3 months out of telling people he was 9 inches, but that high soon faded after being told by multiple medical facilities he was bringing their averages down.

Since speaking to Dom he has decided to leave after learning they refer to his beloved franchise as “Wild Speed.”

AZUSA—What started as simply organizing a Sunday cruise with a group of friends quickly devolved into an extreme medical emergency after Dan Bootbuilder quickly discovered that the responsibility of being the cruise pace car would also fall on him. The cruise, now comprised of an entire five cars, put the weight of those cars directly on Dan’s rear end. Some believe it a miracle that his rear bumper survived.

This was no ordinary cruise, it had lots of action. Entitled cyclists, slow Teslas, and hikers created an obstacle course for the cruise, ensuring that Bootbuilder would have his work cut out for him. “I literally asked everyone if they wanted to lead, and it was like they all had an excuse ready. I didn’t have one ready. I should have had one ready,” Bootbuilder stated with visible stress in his eyes. “It’s a hefty responsibility, one that I have to take seriously, even if it comes at the expense of my mental health.”

The cruise was doomed before it started, but as if an anxious lead car wasn’t enough, the Teslas made a parking lot of the once mildly quick cruise (We mean mildly quick at besttt). About two miles into the cruise, Dan came up on the bumper of a smug Tesla driver committed to embarrassing him as the leader of the pack. “It slowed us down to a crawl. I was so thankful because now I didn’t need to drive as fast,” said Jon Paez. Jon was one of the most vocal drivers who skirted leadership responsibility when Dan was looking for help.

The ensuing battle earned Bootbuilder the respect of his caravan. The Tesla refused to allow anyone to pass and slowed to 5 MPH, but Bootbuilder remained attached to his bumper as if to say, very politely, “Hey sir, please let us through, we’re just having some fun.” For miles, the Tesla seemed to endure the pressure of five moderate-horsepower, mid-range sports cars, but eventually relented to the dominant display of Bootbuilder and his band of middle-aged misfits.

The cruise carried on, as did Bootbuilder’s anxiety, but the cruise was blessed with a Toyota Yaris on the way down that alleviated stress by forcing everyone to basically meditate down the mountain at about 2 MPH without ever slightly considering pulling over. That level of confidence, lack of awareness, and sheer obliviousness is a lesson to us all to stop stressing because that Yaris wasn’t worried about anything, certainly not the twenty cars they held up for what felt like four hours.

It was thirty minutes, but seriously, it felt like forever.

OXFORDSHIRE—While Williams has assured that the smooth operator, Carlos Sainz, has perfect vision, one fact came to light conveniently after the Hungarian Grand Prix: he is physically incapable of seeing the color blue. A fact he did not have to disclose until now since he ruined Piastri’s race.

The Hungarian Grand Prix brought lots of action, but none more dramatic than what originally appeared to be Sainz ignoring about 17 blue flags and battling with Piastri like his championship was on the line. Piastri, justifiably upset, had nothing positive to say. “They win one World Cup and all of a sudden they think they own the road.”

Sainz immediately went on the defensive. “I can’t see the color blue. Ask Williams. I thought our suits were green. Tell Piastri to stop being mean. This is a real condition.”

Williams declined to comment after simply stating, “He’s colorblind specifically to the color blue but has perfect vision otherwise. No more questions at this time. Thank you. Bye.” A reporter claims to have heard the Williams PR team whispering, “You think they believed it?” We can’t confirm this statement, but we believe them.

Will we ever really know if Carlos Sainz can see the color blue? Maybe not, but if he could see it, don’t you think he would have moved out of the way and let Piastri have his moment instead of getting in his way to keep a slight advantage in his heated and intense back-pack battle? Does that sound like an F1 driver to you?

Checkmate.

We reached out to William’s Teletubby engineers but declined to comment.

TROY—Electric truck startup Slate unveiled its latest marketing campaign Monday centered around a surprisingly controversial design philosophy: making an electric truck that actually looks like a truck.

According to company officials, the slogan was developed after extensive market research revealed consumers had begun accepting the idea that electric trucks were simply destined to resemble large commercial waste containers or toasters from the ‘90s. Researchers also reported a slight increase in Cybertrucks seen on the road around the same time. They insist the two findings are completely unrelated, probably.

“We wanted to challenge that assumption,” said Slate Chief Designer Mark Ellis. “People deserve options. If you want your truck to look like a silver Wi-Fi router, that’s your right. We’re just saying you actually don’t have to. Seriously, why are you doing that?”

Engineers confirmed the truck’s design process involved several revolutionary concepts, including rounded edges, body panels that appear to belong to the same vehicle, and asking test groups whether they would flip off someone driving it.

Automotive analysts praised Slate for taking what they called the bold risk of designing a pickup truck that immediately registers in the human brain as “truck.”

Tesla declined to comment on the campaign but released a statement reminding consumers that almost nobody uses a truck to its full capability anyway.

MOUNTAIN VIEW—One of driving’s oldest traditions is now extinct, confirming GPS navigation has eliminated motorists’ ability to confidently pretend missing their exit was part of the plan all along, or even just not saying anything at all.

According to transportation researchers, generations of drivers once possessed the remarkable ability to miss an exit by several hundred yards before calmly saying things like, “I actually prefer this route,” “There’s less traffic this way,” or the classic, “I know a shortcut.”

“That skill disappeared almost overnight,” said Dr. Michael Casillas of the Useless Technicals Institute. “The second a driver misses an exit today, the GPS immediately announces ‘Recalculating,’ while every passenger simultaneously points out the window and says, ‘Your exit was right there.’ There isn’t even enough time to begin lying anymore.”

Experts say the technology has completely removed the driver’s ability to establish an alternate narrative, with navigation apps now documenting every mistake in real time before the accused has an opportunity to defend themselves.

Google engineers insist this was never the company’s intention.

“We originally designed GPS to help people reach their destination,” said product manager Sarah Kim. “We didn’t realize we were also destroying centuries of social norms by creating an eyewitness that seems strangely eager to call you out on your mistake.”

The problem has reportedly become so severe that newer navigation systems immediately notify passengers of exactly how much time the driver’s mistake will cost before the driver can finish saying, “I was just going to...”

Researchers say the psychological damage doesn’t stop there. Modern GPS systems continue announcing every correction in a calm, emotionless tone that experts describe as “the verbal equivalent of disappointing your parents.”

Several navigation companies are now testing premium features that automatically text everyone you’re meeting to explain you’re late because “the driver thought they knew better,” while one experimental version briefly locks the volume controls so every passenger can hear “Make a U-turn when possible” over and over again at full volume.

Early prototypes reportedly go even further, displaying a slow-motion replay of the missed exit on the dashboard, calculating the statistical probability that the driver’s refusal to listen explains every major decision they’ve ever made, and automatically forwarding the replay to the group chat.

Transportation officials warn that if GPS technology continues advancing at its current pace, drivers may eventually lose the ability to know where they’re going, how they got there, or how to leave.

RIVERSIDE—He spent nearly a year obsessively chasing the perfect flush fitment, local BMW owner Brandon Sanchez confessed Sunday that after buying multiple sets of wheels and tires, experimenting with different spacer combinations, installing adjustable coilovers and suspension arms, rolling his fenders, and repeatedly raising and lowering the car by just a few millimeters at a time, he finally achieved exactly the stance he had envisioned…only to realize he’d never once accounted for the possibility of carrying passengers.

Witnesses say Sanchez proudly volunteered to drive four friends to dinner before the second passenger climbed into the back seat, causing the rear tires to immediately slam into the fenders. By the time a third passenger got in, the suspension had compressed so much that the tires were supporting the weight of the car instead of the suspension. Attempts to leave the parking lot ended moments later after the vehicle reportedly refused to move more than six inches without sounding like when you were little and put a soda can on the rear tire of your bike then went all fast.

“I can’t believe I overlooked this,” said Sanchez while removing fresh rubber from the inside of his quarter panels. “I tested it with a full tank of gas. I tested it with an empty tank. I measured clearances with different tire pressures. I even checked it with my backpack in the trunk. The whole time, I was turning the car into a two-seater.”

Friends say Sanchez has now developed a system that he calls a “simplified transportation strategy,” making multiple trips whenever the group goes anywhere together. While initially confused, they admit the system is a complete waste of time, gas, and tires, but it has dramatically reduced the smell of burning rubber inside the cabin.

“It’s actually pretty efficient,” said friend Tyler Ramirez while waiting for Sanchez to return from dropping off the first passenger. “He takes one of us to the restaurant, comes back for another, and usually gets the last person there just in time for dessert. And we all get a chance at looking really cool.”

Sanchez has also started asking passengers for their approximate weight before offering them a ride, explaining that the information is “strictly for suspension adjustments” and not personal. He keeps a bathroom scale in the garage for situations where estimates appear overly optimistic.

Currently, Sanchez is attempting to solved the issue by replacing the springs in his Ford Fiesta with solid metal cylinders, early tests don’t show any signs success. Hard parked it looks legit though.

EAST RUTHERFORD—Despite receiving what analysts described as “every performance advantage legally and morally available,” Argentina’s twelfth man was unable to generate enough pace Sunday as VAR fell short in its bid to prevent Spain from becoming World Cup champions.

FIFA officials confirmed the video review system entered the match in peak condition after spending months preparing for the final with upgraded cameras, superhuman slow-motion capabilities, and enough processing power to analyze routine shoulder-to-shoulder contact from seventeen different angles before confidently making the wrong call.

“We threw everything we had at Spain,” said VAR while requesting another review. “Frame-by-frame analysis, bad foul calls, and at one point we even reviewed whether Spain’s goal could be retroactively removed. Unfortunately, they just kept playing better.”

According to officials, concerns first surfaced midway through the second half of extra time after VAR spent nearly six minutes searching for a foul in the buildup to Spain’s goal. After exhausting every available camera angle (and several unavailable ones) officials determined there was no evidence to overturn the play before overturning it anyway.

Engineers and referees attempted multiple performance adjustments during the match, including increasing replay sensitivity, recalibrating the “clear and obvious error” threshold, and installing software capable of moving the offside line whenever necessary.

“The hardware wasn’t the issue,” explained FIFA president Gianni Infantino. “The system was operating flawlessly. It successfully found every opportunity I could give Messi. Spain just kept surviving it.”

The effort ultimately proved insufficient as Spain held on to secure the championship, marking the first documented case of a team overcoming what soccer experts simply refer to as “a fix.”

Following the defeat, FIFA announced an offseason development program aimed at improving the system before the next major tournament. Planned upgrades include AI capable of detecting penalties before contact, an algorithm that automatically stops play whenever an Argentine player appears mildly inconvenienced, and a formal request that Lionel Messi remain healthy enough to play in the 2030 World Cup.

DAYTONA BEACH—Looking to introduce stock car racing to a younger generation of fans, NASCAR announced Monday that it has entered into a partnership with the Rolling Stones after an internal marketing intern, who is part of the organization’s senior employment program, concluded that today’s teenagers “don’t know real rock & roll, and they’d lose their minds if they just gave it a chance.” Officials described the collaboration as a strategic move to modernize the sport’s image by introducing millions of first-time viewers to a band that was already around when NASCAR was still running moonshine.

“This is exactly the kind of bold thinking our sport needs,” said NASCAR Chief Marketing Officer David Mitchell while pointing to a PowerPoint presentation consisting of nothing more than a picture of Steve Buscemi with the caption, How Do You Do, Fellow Kids? “Popular trends are cyclical. Vinyl records are back. Film cameras are back. JNCO jeans are back. We figured the logical next step was introducing them to a band that was already selling out stadiums when their grandparents were being born.”

According to NASCAR, focus groups with teenagers produced “overwhelming” reactions after participants described the Rolling Stones as, “Why are you making those poor old people do this? That’s cruel!”

The partnership will feature exclusive race-day performances, limited-edition merchandise, and social media campaigns designed to “meet young fans where they are,” including a series of Reels in which Mick Jagger says, “Hello, fans,” before the video abruptly cuts to an obviously AI-generated version of Jagger dancing and speaking with the energy of someone fifty years younger.

League officials also confirmed they considered partnering with Elvis, the Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens, but all three were ultimately unavailable.

“The Rolling Stones have stood the test of time—for a long time. A long, long time,” Mitchell explained. “If Gen Z gives them a chance, they’ll realize what cool is. These kids just don’t know.”

Sources familiar with the campaign say NASCAR’s next initiative to attract younger viewers includes distributing NetZero Free Internet CDs at race weekends, launching an official MySpace page, and announcing an exclusive content partnership with Blockbuster.